This story, as well as the other you posted, sound like they have good potential.  But I didn't get very far into either one of them, because there is too much text without a break.  The brain physically needs to get a 1 or 2 second break between large chunks of text just to process everything appropriately.  Make more use of the "Enter" key, and you'll be good to go.


Author's Response: Trust me, I've learned my lesson in this area. Don't worry about it.