Reviewer: It Was Me Signed [Report This]
Date: May 06 2024 12:56 AM Title: Divinity Lost

Holy shit! You sure know how to jump back into a story! And this new chapter even featured my goddess of choice, Alexandra!

This more intimate setting gave us a much better look at who Alex is not just as a god but as a person as well. Reading this, I felt like some of my previous theories on the goddess of fear were bolstered, but a few other things stuck out to me as well.

One thing that stuck out for me is how Alexandra uses fear as a means of maintaining control. Not so much control in the sense of ordering people around, but more along the lines of keeping others from noticing her more vulnerable side and, I almost want to say, keeping herself in check, although that's more of a vibe I picked up than something I can say with any certainty.

Take Alex giving Emma the anklet, for example. The word choice to describe Alex's feeling at seeing Emma being happy with the gift. She gave a relieved smile. The thing about being relieved is that it's a feeling you can't experience without first going through some degree of anxiety or nervousness. This is our first hint that Alex isn't just playing around with Emma (despite her claims to the contrary later on); she genuinely cares about the reporter. She even goes so far as to get down and put it on Emma, which the hostess correctly notes is an act of humility. Although I don't think Alex was going all Jesus and washing people's feet or anything like that; I just think she was happy and maybe even a bit excited to see Emma enjoy her gift. Still, that's most definitely something you would expect a goddess to do, especially not a goddess of fear.

However, any thought of Alex showing Emma genuine emotion is quickly forgotten as the goddess feeds off of Emma's fear of ending up like those corporate fucks. Yeah, I think part of Alex's reaction is based on the pleasure she feels from Emma's fear, but, to me, it felt like a way for Alex to maintain control and not let her feelings get the best of her.

Later on, when Alex agrees to Emma's sub pitch, after agreeing to give up control to Emma, the goddess attempts to cease control of the situation by trying to intimidate and terrify Emma into doing a good job. In other words, Alex's natural instincts were to control the situation in which she was giving up control, in which she would open herself up a bit and become vulnerable, in which she would finally surrender to someone else. I feel pretty confident in calling that a defense mechanism.

Another thing that I noticed here (and something I suspected the first time we met Alexandra) was that beneath that terrifying, harsh exterior is a legitimately good person. Any doubt about that went away when she told Emma that she wouldn't punish those plotting against the gods not only because Isabel is a part of it but because, if Melissa is right and a demon is leading them, then it isn't their fault that they went down this path. I know Melissa bent the rules a little last chapter and forgave the people who stopped believing in her in order to be sacrificed (I'm sure her son being among them had nothing to do with that), but I can't see the head of the gods showing that kind of mercy in this situation. The most feared goddess, the one everyone believes is a heartless killer, showed tremendous empathy there.

But Alex hides that good nature under the persona of the goddess of fear. She likes to make people think she's a monster and even goes so far as to prefer feeding off the fear she creates rather than craving the more traditional style of worship the other gods (well, minus Brad, who isn't about worship at all) demand.

So why does she hide her true self behind that dark façade, and why is she so reluctant to show anything that could be construed as weakness in the presence of others?

I still say that she was lied to or taken advantage of somehow in her former life. Maybe someone (or someones) used her for her looks, told her what she wanted to hear and made her feel like there was something real between them only to betray her. Or perhaps she has lived most of her life around "fake" people and feels like she can't open up to anyone, even a little.

I originally thought that maybe she came from a poorer background, given the way she reportedly goes after the rich, but what if it's the opposite? What if she comes from a rich, powerful family and always hated that world? Seeing more of her personality here, I'm kind of getting that vibe more than I do the "came from nothing" one. She comes off very playful and even just a tad bit entitled (not in a divine way, nor in a spoiled way, but it's kind of like she gets bored or slightly disappointed when things don't turn out the way she wants, if that makes sense) but also elegant and sociable as well.

It was a small thing, but I also loved how "Molly" put down Alexandra to Isabel, saying she's not as clever as Melissa. It's incredibly clever to make people underestimate you like that, and it also fits in really well with the rest of her effort to hide her true self from the world.

Oh, and the fact that Isabel was saved from being crushed by Alex's wings by "dumb luck" seems to me like another sign that Alex is being more careful in deciding who she kills than most people think.

You know, I think I said before that deep down Alex wants to be recognized for who she is but isn't going to be forthcoming about it for all of the reasons listed above. Obviously, my thought is that this is the reason she started paying attention to Emma after seeing that the reporter actually seemed to care about "Molly's" work with the homeless. Again, I feel vindicated here.

Like I said above, it became apparent early on that Alex genuinely cares for Emma, and I could even argue that the goddess taking the time show up for dinner is a clear indication of that. Then it was confirmed when Alex declared her love for her "lovely Emma" while pleasuring herself inside the reporter's stomach. But I think we also got to see why Alex feels the way she does about Emma in this chapter as well.

When Alex was laying on thick the thought that she was going to damn both Isabel and Emma herself, Emma was able to see past that and understand what Alex was actually doing. She suppressed her fear, something I don't think she would have been able to do unless she felt pretty good about the threat being a bluff. She saw Alex's true nature there, and continued to do so when she figured out that, not only was Alex not going to eternally torment her sister but that Isabel being her sister was actually a consideration Alex had when deciding how to deal with the anti-god group.

Then there's Emma's intuition during her time dominating and subjugating Alex and Brad. The reporter, on some level, knew what Alex needed to get off with a mortal, what she was really craving this whole time (and Brad was easy enough to figure out just from his words alone). Again, Emma is starting to see past the version of Alex that the goddess wants everyone to see, which is how she could take things so far and never actually be afraid of neglected Alex's threats. I think it's also part of the reason why Alex found the whole thing so hot in the first place.

And by the way, lost in all this rambling of mine is that the smut itself here was fucking incredibly thought out and executed! The idea alone was really hot, but the attitude conveyed by all three parties involved made everything so much better. I just felt like I should point that out, since I've been babbling about character stuff up until now.

But back to Emma for a second. I was happy for both Alex and her that they made this breakthrough of sorts, but I'm also a little worried about Emma as well (well, assuming that she didn't absorb a portion of Brad and Alex's godhood; I'm not even going to speculate on that). While Emma clearly has legit feeling for Alex and obviously enjoyed what they all did together, her thoughts of trying to influence Alex into a kinder direction could come back to bite her. While her intentions are good and I don't think she's simply hoping to use Alex, if she tries it (and assuming I'm even a little right about Alex's background), that may not end so well for her. I don't think Alex would acknowledge those good intentions if she feels like she's being manipulated.

I've already basically written a book, so I won't go too deep into Brad here. But I will say that I love that he just popped up here and that, even when he tries to think like a god, he still ends up pushing that aside to be all too human.

That last segment with Melissa was particularly thought-provoking.

You know, I've always gotten a bit of a different vibe from Melissa than I did from the other gods, but the end of this chapter made the reason why click for me. Each of the other three freshly-minted divinities (even Alex, if my theories on her are even at least partially right) have had their actions as gods motivated in one way or another by their old, mortal wants. Hailee has let herself become obsessed with the mortal that got away, Brad lived his first year of immortality trying to live out the life he thought he wanted when he was human, and Alex, if I'm reading her right, carefully hides her good nature and desire to be seen as she truly is behind a veil of cruelty because of things that happened and/or how people treated her when she was mortal.

By far, Melissa has conducted herself in the most "godlike" fashion throughout the story up until this point, demanding respect and condemning offending mortals while also showing those who believe in her grace, love, and mercy and even providing them with the occasional miracle. And it wasn't until now that the thing that separated her from the other gods hit me.

Unlike them, Melissa is content with what she has.

While the other three are seeking meaningful connection with a mortal, she had that even before becoming a god. Having Alejandro and Carlos in her life left her content where the others remain yearning. Because of that, Melissa has largely compartmentalized her family life from her role as a god. Yeah, she'll use her power around her family for fun or to get creative with a punishment for Carlos, but she would also send Alejandro away before eating nonbelievers and a lot of the hostility shown by  Carlos early on in the story was rooted in the fact that Melissa was off being god and not there for him as a mother enough, something she was actually seeking to correct.

Much like the last part of that sentence suggests, separating her life as a god from her life as a wife/mother has brought her some difficulties, and Alejandro's reaction to finding out his wife is a monster (okay, okay, I threw that in there just to rile you up, but the larger point about her keeping a secret he would hate from him still stands) is certainly a part of that. And we find her confronting her frustration over this at the start of this chapter's last segment.

I found Melissa's brief thought of apologizing to her husband, only to dismiss it and even him to beg for her forgiveness to be quite interesting. I truly believe that she thinks she has done nothing wrong here and that her frustration over Alejandro not understanding her side of things is legitimate. At the same time, however, she hid this part of her from him for a reason. She knew that he would never be able to get this concept through his thick skull, as she put it.

And that's why, deep down, she knows that her first instinct, to beg him for forgiveness, is the best one, even if her divinity can't accept that.

Let's take the moral debate out of the equation for a second and not worry about whether Melissa, as a god, is right to punish unbelievers as harshly as she does. If she wants to reconcile with her husband and keep the kind of relationship she has always had with him, she needs to be the one to apologize. If he comes to see things her way, if he has to beg her to avoid punishment for disagreeing with her, he'll stop being different from all of her other worshippers to her, even if he doesn't realize that yet.

This is because even thought Melissa is a god, she's also not.

Even though she has become god, those human emotions and attachments still exist within her. That's why she was ashamed to tell, let alone show Alejandro what she did with nonbelievers. That's why she lamented not spending enough time with her son. That's why Vanessa using Carlos to get on her good side bothered her so much. She feels differently about her family than she does about every other mortal (and even her fellow gods, I would think).

So when Melissa wondered why the two men of her life couldn't show her the same devotion as the worshipper she flicked with her toe, it became clear that she has forgotten two things.

First, the type of love her followers have for her is different from familial love. The woman at her toe doesn't know anything about Melissa. In fact, I'd go so far as to say that Melissa seems unknowable to her (a common theme in religion). The worshipper doesn't care about what Melissa is feeling unless that feeling is anger or disappointment toward her. She knows nothing about the deity's actual life, her wants or desires, what truly makes her happy. Only people involved in her life, like her husband and son, are able to understand such things.

Second, if Carlos and Alejandro were to become like the worshipper, if they just stopped worrying about the things that bother them about Melissa and devoted themselves to her without question, they would cease to be any different from the worshipper herself. Melissa would lose that connection with them. This is because it's the care and concern that they have for Melissa that makes them judge her actions so critically. Carlos is afraid that he's losing his mother to this new god she's becoming, and Alejandro is obviously worried about how casual his wife really is about taking mortal life (we saw him worrying about her judging other mortals even before finding out judgment entailed). If they stopped worrying about these things, they basically stop worrying about her as a person and view her only as a god, which I think would be even more devastating to her than Alejandro's reaction to her eating people.

In other words, again putting aside the moral debate of her judging mortals, it's in her best interest to be the one to apologize and even try to compromise with Alejandro a bit on how she punishes nonbelievers. Simply deciding that she's owed this because she's a god won't make her any happier, and I'd argue that it will lead her down the same pit of misery that her fellow gods are trying to climb out of.

Because, again, while those three are seeking true connection with mortals, Melissa is starting to push away connections she already has, ironically enough.

Apologies for the long Melissa rant, but I felt like a lot was revealed even in her brief appearance in the chapter.

Lastly, I'm curious if that little headache Melissa had at the end there has to do with Emma or something going on with the demons. That "natural order of things" line seems to imply the former and that maybe Emma got herself a bit of an earthquake-inducing upgrade. Either way, it sounds like interesting times ahead!

Author's Response:

1. We created Alexandra with a backstory that explains her drives and actions. She is callous, but there is empathy and a sweet girl hidden under her tough exterior. I really enjoyed watching her character unfold, even though I initially thought she was going to be more of a vehicle for my fetish. Instead, she’s become an interesting goddess with motivations that have depth.

2. I’m glad you liked the smut XD  Crazy how these characters come to life in my head. They pretty much acted everything out, and I just wrote it down. I really liked how Emma followed Alexandra’s words to heart, in an attempt to impress her.

3. I don’t know if Emma was truly trying to manipulate Alexandra. I believe she’s the kinda person to get on the goddess’s good side, as a means of survival for herself and her sister. But you’re right, Alexandra may take Emma’s actions the wrong way. That would’ve spelled disaster for Emma.

4. YES! Melissa! You get it. She’s the classical goddess. I don’t think what she does is inherently bad. She shows a lot of leniency, in my opinion, before handing out punishments. She gives a lot more chances than any other god would. With all that said, it is interesting that she hides some aspects of her godhood from her husband. This shows she knows her actions are wrong, or could be perceived wrong. Her arc is really interesting, and probably my favorite.

5. I agree Melissa needs to be the one to reconcile with her husband. She kept a secret and his reaction to her—goddess or not—was appropriate. She needs to sit down with him and explain to him, a mortal, as much as possible and ask for his forgiveness.

6. Did Emma absorb any of Alex’s power? I posted the next chapter, and well, that’ll answer your question! :)
 
“It Was Me,” it’s always a pleasure to read your reviews and thoughts about the stories I write. I love how observant you are with the little breadcrumbs I leave behind in my stories. I’m sure I missed some of your points, but I loved reading your comment and theories about what is going on. I hope you continue to enjoy my additions!