Date: August 12 2013 8:48 PM Title: Chapter 1
In general the story is not bad, sadly it lacks in consequences. The guy travels about a day in the girls buttcrack, as a punishment *period* it doesnt seem to get warm there, it doesnt seem to smell, he doesnt seem to get grinded there from her buttocks...nothing. Doesnt seem to be that much of a punishment for him XD
[Report This]Date: March 01 2013 11:16 PM Title: Chapter 1
I to like this story but I also have concern over her (shrink sitter) skills.
hey can I borrow him for a couple of days? sure by. lol terrible (shrink sitter).
shrunken children fight! yes
[Report This]Date: February 13 2013 6:51 PM Title: Chapter 1
Other than the fact that everyone seems kind of "whatever" about what's happening to Magnus, I like this story...Although there were plenty of times that he could have died, like when the cat attacked him, some shrink sitter! And his parents concented to this, all cuz he is a bully.
Date: February 01 2013 9:01 PM Title: Chapter 1
This is my last review for you, I am going to tell you one thing that I've said before. SLOW DOWN. This story is actually not a bad concept to imagine, but don't take it so fast. When you get an idea for a chapter, write the chapter out. But don't post it. Spend some time,whether it be a few minutes here, or an hour two there, to read it over and edit. Add more 'fluffy' description, snappy dialogue, and believable interactions. And I'm gonna just repeat what Jacksmith said. Write it like a story, don't read it like a textbook.
All in all, only time and practice will tell. My main point right now is, slow down.
Peace Out.
[Report This]Date: February 01 2013 6:00 PM Title: Chapter 1
You have some nice ideas here for a story, but they feel really contracted and bound down by the dry textbook-style delivery, at least initially. Try to show us the scenes rather than tell, and expand your concepts outward a little to make it a story rather than a compact summary. Good luck in continuing.
Date: January 31 2013 10:57 PM Title: Chapter 1
I will respond I guess. What we mean is, Separate what the character is saying from just background description and such. Like here's a nice example...
There standing before him was Cherish Seraphim. She was a fellow student, in most of his classes, and the "butt" of most of his jokes. She spoke up.
"Everyday you decided to pick on me."
He then replied, "When?"
See? It's easier to read and more spaced out, looking neater and more efficient. I would have put her long description too for more emphasis, but felt this made the point nice enough. Separate their words from the descriptions, except for things like 'he said' or 'She stated'. You can keep them with the dialogue. But you seem to know that.
Author's Response:
Ah ok. Thanks.
[Report This]Date: January 31 2013 10:34 PM Title: Chapter 1
Nice work so far! You write very well, and I eagerly anticipate the enxt installment.
Date: January 29 2013 6:44 PM Title: Chapter 1
Hey, SLOW DOWN MAN. I'm not disliking the story, but it's kind of fast paced. Also, separate your dialogue from the other text. I was almost turned away when I saw the big block of text. That's probably your biggest problem. Just separate dialogue fro. Everything else. It will make your story much easier to read.