Reviewer: Stubbornstain Signed [Report This]
Date: April 25 2016 3:09 PM Title: Introductions

I have feeling I'll like this story, and I really want your writing to improve. You have a lot of potential. So I've invested my time in typing a few thoughts.

 

Here:

It was true. All of the Galactic Troops from the Second Incursion were women.

 

You seem to be repeating yourself. In the previous paragraph you say they are all women. Why do you need to add “it was true”? You make it sound as those the reader is going to doubt the narrator.

 

My guess is the males from the first incursion were spies. Perhaps they wanted to see what the humans were like? Like the big women not wanting to risk their lives.

 

 

Here:

It's so sad, he thought as he dashed to the basement, that I do not know what I sound like. Not even in my own dreams…

 

You suddenly switch from third person to first person. Really you need speech marks. I know it's just a thought, but I personally would. It'll make it look neater, and the story is from his perfective after all. If you did do the entire story in the first person that would be great because it will feel more personal, but first person is harder to execute successfully than the third person.

 

The paragraph starting with:
The voice was familiar.

 

Are you trying to say that he was dreaming about her? It wasn't quite clear. The paragraph was confusing to me.

 

Here:

There is someone living here, she mused.

 

That should definitely be in speech marks.

Reviewer: SheerForce Signed [Report This]
Date: April 20 2016 3:24 AM Title: Introductions

Seems pretty interesting.

Author's Response: Thanks SheerForce. Gonna keep going on this one!