[Report This]Date: August 13 2017 9:23 AM Title: Chapter 26
Stop agreeing with me with me about your writing sucking. No, wait, I didn’t say your writing sucks. I said “talented”, “skilled”, “professional and interesting.” So you’re not agreeing...wait am I agreeing?
No. Now I’m confused....
You seem to be of the opinion that my criticism comes from my desire for a Hollywood ending. I totally don’t need a happy ending, I need an Eli I can root for. Even one that fails.
I totally know this is a humiliation story, and I totally know Eli has no chance of accomplishing anything. But I want to see him try. He stops being the character you’ve established at critical points in the story, his internal resources just evaporate at random moments and it seems so unnatural. So clunky.
The big characters are stupid, shallow, lazy, feckless, fickle and just plain boring. That’s okay. You have established that everyone who doesn’t have the shrink gene is has anti-social personality disorder. That’s fine.
That means you have no reason to have these strange “gaps” in Eli’s abilities in the story. He’s a song writer and he is insightful, he should be able to communicate in a way that tells your audience he is trying his best.
This last chapter, when Talia was threatening to bind him all he said was “Do whatever you want.” If he had at least attempted to engage her, something like “Don’t you even care about the harm you do?” Being a brainless, sociopath she could completely blow him off and still bind him and humiliate him. But we would know Eli was trying.
There is no way for him to get control, so you don’t need to make him as stupid and shallow as your giant characters. Just keep having them stomp all over him to your hearts content...but give us an Eli who is trying. An Eli who deserves the victory he will never have. Even if he never wins at anything. The power and the lack of character in your thoughtless, uncaring biggies will ensure all the losses you could want.
The idea that his big heart and principles are unnoticed by a bunch of oversized idiots is not a reason to make them stop shining through for us to see.
Infact, the bathroom scene (inspite of the clunkily convenient appearance of Winter and Talia) illustrates my point. Being selfish and stupid they only see a problem, we see someone trying desperately to aid another human being. And since she’s a premie, actually allowing Eli to help Gwen would have gained him nothing, and when the stupid giants saw the blood, they could’ve still come up with some stupid reason to get Eli in trouble.
Make your bad guys work a little and they might be more interesting. Stop making luck Eli’s enemy. Your giant moron brigade is sufficiently undefeatable that they don’t need luck. They have their own lack of brains and empathy to accomplish all the horrors you could want.
I am not expecting anything resembling physical heroics. You’ve made it completely clear that that is just impossible. But, his moral heroics of chapter 25 were such an awesome moment. Eli can try and fail and still be so worthy of your audience. At least until binding hollows him out.
Peace
pix
[Report This]Date: August 11 2017 6:32 AM Title: Chapter 26
No one is going blame me for no new chapter!
If you’re going to throw down the gauntlet like that, I’m going to turn my inner Pauline Kael to “full bitch.” But not all the way to 11...that would be too mean. And yes, I know she was a cinema critic and not a literary critic. Don’t be picky...that’s my job.
I though you were writing a love letter to me with this chapter. Because who doesn’t love being proven right? It’s all here, desperate premies missing binding...Eli getting punishment while Winter gets advancement ....and of course Winter is getting a feeling of justification as she abuses Eli...you might as well give me co-author credit. (By the way, those were not suggestions, those were warnings that your work was getting predicable...just saying.)
Well, truth be told, there is not a lot of new stuff going on in this chapter. You’ve spent the majority of the story emphasizing Eli’s second class citizenship. This is the same story with different costumes.
Since Eli has zero chance of succeeding you have no suspense. Since Winter has no chance of failure you have no suspense.
Since Talia is just another giantess who can’t think and binds Eli, there is nothing new there. Saying she doesn’t bind and binding him twice in the narrative is not really a twist, it is the same old thing. The fact that she is a “level 5“ and so inanely stupid leads one to ask if this is a world where one gets a pilots license by going to Walmart and taking a really tough test. The test has one question: do you want to be a pilot? If you can spell yes, congratulations, you are a pilot. At least the standards aren’t so low they’ve made it multiple choice...yet.
I was impressed with the hospital scene at first. It featured good character work initially, but in the end it was just another “Winter gets what she wants” scene. And it being another “Eli loses” scene, because his kindness feeds Winter’s stalker mentality, is not any kind of bonus.
Eli’s encounter in the latrine was strange and interesting, until you had the two giantesses “just happen” to poke their noses in. You really need to stop relying on silly coincidences.
Coincidence is not a writer’s friend, though it can seem like one. It is hackneyed and tired and obvious. It drags your work down.
Overall this was a chapter without a lot of point, unless you are telling Winter’s story. Which, by every rule of fiction,you are. She is the one making decisions that drive the narrative, she is the one achieving objectives (without effort or risk. ) She is certainly making an effort to be the most boring, unchallenged protagonist in history.
Favoritism, like coincidence, is not a writer’s friend either. Mary Sue is not a way to challenge yourself as a writer. This is not really a new experience to anyone who has played a table top RPG with a certain type of GM.
GM: The road is blocked...it looks like there is a parade in your way.
Eli: Okay, so the road is blocked? I went through the alley.
GM: You encounter a big mugger who wants you to give him your money.
Eli: I pull out my gun and tell him to bugger off.
GM: Your gun is empty.
Everyone at the table: What? No it isnt!
GM: Yes it is: I rolled for it. It’s empty.
Everyone at table: No you didn’t!
GM: Yes I did...it’s definitely empty.
Eli: Well, the mugger doesn’t know that. I haven’t fired at him, It’s just a gun in my hand and I’m telling him to take a hike.
GM: Oh, he knows. He’s an ex-special forces commando who can tell a gun is empty just by looking at it.
Everyone at the table: There’s no way to do that with this model!
GM: Well...he can. It’s a super power.
Eli: A super powered ex-special forces commando hanging out in an alley mugging people? Uh huh....I think I know where this is heading.
GM: What are you going to do?
Eli: I give him my money and my gun..since it’s useless any way...
GM: He shoots you in the leg...
Everyone else at the table: What? You said it was empty!
Eli: Uh huh...
GM: He’s a commando; It works for him. What do you do Eli?
Eli: Lets see...I think I’ll fall down and bleed...oh...and moan “Who will save me?” No, not moan I’ll swoon. Definitely swoon “Who will save me?”
GM: Well by an amazing coincidence...
Everyone else at the table: Aw no...not again...
Eli: Amazing...uh huh...
GM: Winter enters the alley...
Everyone else at the table: Winter? Again? She’s like, 10...
Eli: Great...
GM: Winter disarms the mugger and throws him bodily to the floor....
Eli: Funny how she never seems to have to roll....
GM: I already rolled for her...anyway, she leaps over the fallen mugger and administers first aid to your leg....
Eli: And she just happened to be there...
GM: Who do you think the parade was for?
It seems like you are spending a lot of effort and what you are producing resembles Orwell’s 1984 with Winston Smith portrayed by Wile E. Coyote ...without being funny.
The difference is Y. Eli Coyote loves Big Sister in every chapter lately.
There really is nowhere for Eli to go in this tale. With no chance for success and no ability to initiate any action, he is just going to go deeper into the hole that is his existence.
In the last chapter, he made the right decision, he failed. The consequences of his actions are barely relevant. He has gone from King Leonidas moral courage to King Sisyphus’s punishment in hell. His punishment for failure giving us a view of the rest of his existence. Pointless, repetition. He is in hades, paying the price for his good intentions and courage.
I cannot say he is a victim of his own kindness and good will, I admire that he is willing to take risks to bring those things in himself out, he is more a victim of a malignant destiny, and the magic field of luck that seems to surround all those who mean him harm.
But every person he meets is either going to more powerful than him and in favor of (or simply unconcerned that they are) damaging his soul. Or they will be crazy, weak and useless.
More detail may follow, like having Ashley explain how she forgot they put an object the size of a coke can into her body and she forgot. More of that amnesia I love so much? But really, with no chance of affecting the arc of the story, it has no point. It is simply set dressing behind the story of Winter getting everything she wants handed to her on a silver platter.
From a certain perspective, Eli's tale has been told. He made the right call and paid for it...that was the climax. The rest...well...is not really his story...it is simply detail...it is not his tale, it just happens to him.
Naturally, Eli is the title character, some might argue that he is your protagonist. Well, let’s examine that in light of your message. What are you trying to say through Eli’s experiences. What, for lack of a better term is the apparent moral of your story? What lessons could he have taken to heart to avoid his circumstance. As near as I can tell it’s “don’t question authority,”“conform,” “obey,” “no matter what your situation, not matter how close you are to it, others know about your situation better than you do and will always be right while you are wrong” and of course “if someone needs your help: narc on them.”
That is really different, I haven’t heard such a daring philosophy, such a bold manifesto, since...uh....grade school.
This tale started out so sad and beautiful. The problem is you’re too good a writer. I’m too much on Eli’s side and having a story that amounts to him getting smacked on the nose with a rolled up news paper...again...and again...and again...is turning into a let down. His part of the story now amounts to a whole lot of clunky coincidences for set ups resulting in soap opera payoffs. And I can tolerate him becoming simply a POV character while your protagonists effortlessly cavort. I was one of those people who actually cared about Dr. Watson’s love life. So his demotion is not the end of the world...just ...meh.
There! One mean review...hope you enjoyed. Next time I’ll bring my thwaking stick.
Seriously, though, keep at it. You clearly have a huge talent and are working with great skill. I find your work to be very professional and interesting. Just because I’m that spoil sport who doesn’t appreciate your freewheeling style is no reason to even care what I say. Keep at your passion...tell your tale...you are a creator, no one can take that away from you.
Peace,
pix
Author's Response:
Wow, my longest review ever?
Great points! I really can't argue -- I'm one of the many writers who thinks their own work sucks.
But that's the beauty of it: there's really no ceiling. There's so many possible 'wrong' turns one can take when creating a story...always leaving room for vast improvement.
You argue convincingly on some things, less so on others, but I like being able to learn from opinions and evidence based argument alike.
This particular story is marked with the 'humiliation' tag. Perhaps the tag should be capitalized or listed first. You might have enjoyed the story more if it didn't have/adhere to that tag. It seems you want Eli to 'triumph', overcome humiliation, become independent, etc. To me *that's* Hollywood and predictable. Though I suppose one could argue a humiliation based conclusion would be predicable for this site.
I'm writing a new story on DA called Evening. I'd recommend you aviod reading that as someone has already mentioned they see parallels to Winter. ;)
As usual, I don't know where Evening is going, but I'm sure even without reading it *you* do. :) (haha, ok that was a low blow)
I definitely want to go super deep down the rabbit hole in some story, tragic humiliation to the extreme...if only as a catharsis story.
But I also want to try a story where the protag (e.g. Eli) has more victories in the 'normal' sense, i.e., what most normal readers would consider a victory (e.g., the gun isn't empty and scares the mugger away).
Funny thing is, I actually found your mock story somewhat interesting. Not very, but more than if the gun had caused the mugger to run away.
I'd probably have Eli accidentially shoot the mugger in the arm (hair trigger perhaps and he's not used to guns). The mugger lives, but Eli can't prove self defense. The cops put him in jail. The jail, of course, utilizes the latest miniaturization technology to address overcrowded prison system. Family bails him out but he has to stay small until trial. He's freed on parole and has to do community service painting Winter's toenails for the next year.
Just kidding on that last part! (or am I??!?)
[Report This]Date: July 08 2017 9:44 AM Title: Chapter 26
First. Congratulations on over 100 reviews.
Second. Okay, so it sounds like you want me to post you a mean review? Because it helps inspire you to write? Don't say stuff like that, because you know I'll do it. I will...really.
pix
Author's Response:
You didn't post a mean review and look what happened! No new chapter. :(
Just kidding of course...well, perhaps not about the chapter.
I've got it written but it's missing something. Story is on hold while I work on a different one on DA.
Thanks for all your reviews, even the critical ones! They help me get better as an author.
Date: July 07 2017 1:51 PM Title: Chapter 26
A second chapter within a couple days? What is this, Christmas? That being said, I do agree with some of Pix's concerns. I love the world and characters you've created, especially Eli and Parker, but I will be rather disappointed if this stories ends in Eli losing himself to become a mindless pet.
I'm very afraid that Eli taking the fall for the cutting will lead to more time in Premoria prison. I hope he can get back home again and isn't stuck here forever, because it clearly isn't for him.
I can't believe Talia. As someone who used to be a Premie herself, she should feel some sort of sympathy for them. But instead she's treating them like her own personal pets. It's disgusting.
I feel like it shouldn't be possible for Eli to take the fall for the cutting. What if they bind him and tell him to tell the truth? That's what I would do, if I was them. Then it would all be uncovered.
Hoping for more speedy updates like this one.
Author's Response:
Thanks foreignkanto! Unfortunatly no more speedy updates while the story is on hold. Working on a different one on DA at the moment while I put this one in the slow cooker of my subconscious. :)