Reviewer: Bigdawg K Signed [Report This]
Date: November 27 2018 7:01 PM Title: Chapter 1: The Death of Thomas Waldo

Little trippy but good solid story, when I see Winery I think of an auto-mail mechanic...  But Ed would consider her a Goddess of war as well...

Thank you for your effort and time on this story.

Author's Response:

Thank you for your effort and time on this comment.

Reviewer: Kurogane335 Signed [Report This]
Date: January 31 2018 1:55 AM Title: Chapter 1: The Death of Thomas Waldo

So, now that I've more time (and a little bit of sleep) I'll make a deeper review.

First thing first, Thomas's first "interaction" with a divinity is really incredible. Princesse Mermaid Thingy truly is titanic. her being a child and yet having such an impact on everyone, as implied by the anchor news guy is great. What's terrifying however, is the kind of callous disregard that everyone have to loss of lives in this world. I mean, The Princess clearly couldn't be bothered to even register the hundreds, if not thousands of deaths her crab caused, and she added quite a lot to thise losses with her sheer size and tsunami-like arrival.

Then there is Thomas's interaction with Vivian. I really like where it's going. The spider still is an asshole, clearly, but we are seeing new facters of her personality and that's great. I think that she'll grow more respectful of the human boy. I also really like that Thomas isn't losing sight of his objective. He wants to get back home, and not even the terrible Winrey can make him change his mind. That's actually awesome, how he basically tell her that he wants to return as he left, in a sense, and not "upgraded" without even a second thought.

Speaking of Winrey... I think she had the best sentences to sum up how Gods feels about mortals : "Now if only his mother would hurry up and die. Jordan. That woman smoked at least two packs a day and still hadn’t kicked the bucket! Life was dreadfully boring without her. Plus she actually knew how to bake."

I think it speaks for itself. The value of Thomas's mother isn't in the life she lives but the speed at which she will die so she can become Winrey pet/slave/cook/lover (pick an option and discard the others). There is incredible callousness here, the kind of which really is chilling. The way she treated Vivian was terrible, but at least here, it felt as if she was genuine. With Thomas, it almost comes as fake sympathy, the kind of which you extend to a pet or something to entice it to you. I highly doubt that Winrey actually care for who Jordan is. She clearly seems to care about how Jordan makes her feel, and that's a whole other thing.Her callous disregard for Thomas' fate should he fail to find Luna is also quite telling when it comes to what matters and what doesn't for her.

Now to Rayna. Well, she is clearly a bombshell (I mean, she is a Sun Goddess, and the Sun is basically an enormous nuclear reaction so I guess it's logical), which makes me think that Luna will be a lot lither and leaner than her sister. Rayna also seems to be rather a giant bitch, kind of like her mother in even less diplomatic. She really looks like what you would expect a young goddess born into this life to be... thought I wonder why she wants to mess with Vivian so badly. I suspect that the spider insulted her numerous times, but still. I also find quite telling the fact that Winrey can wisk her own daughter away like that, it really shows how powerful she is.

I suspect that Rayna will be a hindrance in Thomas and Vivian's search for Luna, but as stated by the spiderkin, she isn't the real culprit. Thought I believe that Rayna was either used or duped by the one responsible for Luna's death. It would surprise me if the Sun Goddess became kind of a recurring "enemy" trying to steal Thomas for herself. She seems rather fond of stealing her sister's toys anyway, and clearly, Luna was the most important of the two, so I guess she doesn't want her sister to be found...

Overall, an extremely great chapter. If I may, i would hoever advise you to separate your chapter in two, because while I enjoy reading such long pieces, I'm not sure that it's the case for everybody and it may be daunting to face very long chapters for some. I really want this story to be read, because of the world building, awesome characterisation of your characters and all. But that's just my opinion, you're the sole captain of this ship ! XD

As for a drawing commission, I think i would really like your take on Brenda or Rebecca, or Alejandro, or Shannon or Rayna, or Winrey, haha ^^

Author's Response:

Well thank you for the long review. *clears throat* ....okay. 

First I'll the comment on long chapters. Is this chapter too long?! I had no idea! It was just so fun to write! I was cinsidering a chapter break before when they got to the castle but I felt it ruined the spirit of the chapter which was introducing Thomas to gods or well goddesses. He'll meet a male god eventually too! I'll actually take this feedback into serious consideration. The chapter was even longer at one point, but I cut out scenes of people dying and buildings crumbling when Princess Coral arrived. That was much longer but it made Coral seem to cruel in my mind. She's more an innocent force of nature and not malevolent destroyer. But she'll come back later. Maybe I'll add those parts back in and split this chapter up. I don't know yet. 

Thomas and Vivian....honestly they're the foundation of this story. Both their arcs and perspectives are the main driving force. I hope I'm conveying the subtle changes in character between both of them. They are the most important characters. Luna's basically a maguffin right now! 

You make some great points about Winrey I hadn't considered to much but I feel show her character all the more with that context. It does really speak to her callousness as a god and her selfishness. To me she's a middle ground. An all powerful being that revels in her streingth and attitude, but also knows it's a detriment to herself and wants to change. Not that she will or won't, but it makes her feel better to say she's trying and that's what really matters. She might also be manipulating Thomas. I don't know. He's human it seems like a thing she'd do, but she also loves her daughter and screwing Thomas over would piss her off! Hmmmmmm...? 

Rayna is a more like her mother than even Winrey wanted her to be. More accurately a reflection of Winrey when she was younger. Loud, arrogant, impulsive even (what do you even want Thomas for bitch?). She is the sun after all. Well one of them. If people are wondering what Luna's like then just imagine the exact opposite of Rayna and you'll have a close enough outline. That being said I really like Rayna. She likes humans. She probably wouldn't go terrorizing a district just ot get her pet crab back, but then again she's older and more mature than a centuries old titan class, Princess mermaid who didn't even consider coming by in a more manageable size and shrinking her crab down with her god level powers until after she'd already left. Oops! All I'll say is she'll return, but the stories not about her, to her complete disdain! Did Vivian insult her? She is prone to that, and Rayna is very self absorbed and arrogant, the kind of person where one wrong comment can set her off! A very dangerous combination of personalities. I'd even wager this has probably happened before. Why was Vivian suddenly so scared to come. It couldn't be Winrey. Vivian got off easy with her! Hrrmmmmmmmm.......?

I do sometimes worry if people are reading my stories. I mean they must be right? My read count goes up. Not many comment though and it makes me wonder if my stories (this one in particular, but it's a worry I have with all my stories.) don't have enough impact. Does it not provoke a reaction? I'm sure this is a common worry for authors. Oh well. I just shrug it off and keep writing. Good or bad this is a story I want to tell flaws and all, because it's one I wish I could read! So you gotta keep trucking and trying to improve! Plus this story specifically is helping me fine tune comic ideas. 

Thank you for the comment and the drawing suggestion! I actually think I'll take a swing at drawing Rebecca soon. I don't normally draw more seductive body types and it will be good practice! 

 

Reviewer: MadHatter Signed [Report This]
Date: January 24 2018 11:37 PM Title: Chapter 1: The Death of Thomas Waldo

Well this got far more interesting very fast lol. The first chapter was definitely slow paced, but it did leave me wondering what was to come. Chapter 2 was DEFINITELY full of mystery that just makes me want to read more. Guess i'll have to wait on the next part to see where it goes. So far it's very intriguing.

Author's Response:

Thank you! I hope to maintain your interest level throughout the story! Let me know if it falls off. I'd also like to hear what your thinking so far. That's always fun for me.

Reviewer: Kurogane335 Signed [Report This]
Date: January 24 2018 9:38 AM Title: Chapter 1: The Death of Thomas Waldo

Very intersting first chapter. I feel really bad for poor Thomas, I hope things won't go downhill for him from now on (then again, I guess that it's kind of hard to go more downhill than dying like that, but still). I wonder if we'll see Jenna react to this death, I think she would feel bad about it.

By the way, now that I know you're deviantart name... be prepared to be pestered by me when I'll write ly newt Major/minor spin-off ^^

Author's Response:

Well there are worse things than dying. Thomas will soon discover those things and more. How will Jenna take his sudden death? Probably pretty hard, but lucky for her she has a strong, young, military stud to console her! 

Your characters are actually on a short "I need to draw them" list. Hopefully I'll get to that and do them justice.