Just when the readers thought that the plots couldn’t get any more ridiculous, a major player entered the game, namely a character who could traverse dimensions at will: Aunty Monitor. This mega-villainess stole the storybook projector and used it to project all of DC’s heroes and villains into the pages of storybooks, leaving no characters available on earth-one or earth-two … or any other parallel earth in the DC multiverse for that matter.

Back on earth-prime, the writers of DC Comics held a production meeting and decided that the simplest solution to the absence of any of their characters, was to end the timelines in all their comic book titles, and reinvent new versions from scratch. After all, they’d had plenty of practice at doing such things in the 1950s, the 1985 Crisis on Infinite Earths, the 1994 Zero Hour and 2010 for example.

Meanwhile, the previous versions of DC’s finest were now well and truly living out new lives inside classic literature.

LITTLE RED ROBIN HOOD

Jim Harper asked his nephew Roy to deliver some goodies to Granny Goodness, who was impersonated by the Big Bad Woman, otherwise known as Red Claw.

“My Granny, what big arms you have!” said Roy.

“All the better to hug you with,” said Red Claw, and pulled him onto the bed with one mighty heave and hugged him tightly.

“My Granny, what a big tongue you have!” said Roy, staring into her mouth.

“All the better to lick you with,” said Red Claw, and ran her tongue over his cheek.

“My Granny, what big lips you have,” said Roy.

“All the better to kiss you with!” said Red Claw, and planted a beauty on Roy.

They rolled around, cuddling and kissing for hours (but not fornicating, as this is a Timescribe story, folks).

ATOM THUMB

Mrs Palmer was a widow, which made it rather difficult for her to have children in the conventional way. So she thought she’d just take a walk in the woods until she found one. To her surprise, she found a little boy no bigger than her thumb, called Ray and adopted him.

OLIVER’S TRAVELS

Shipwrecked at sea by villains who sought to appropriate his fortune, Oliver Queen floated on a raft until he came to a large beach. While he was still in the water, he was found by a giant woman who was swimming.

“I’m Hippolyta, Queen of the Amazons. This is the Island of Amazon Giantesses,” said Hippolyta, and you’re in a bit of a predicament. You see, if a man should set foot on our island, we’d have to change the name. I do so hate to break with tradition, so I think I’ll solve the problem by eating you.”

She lifted him off the raft and popped him into her mouth and swallowed him down.

RITA IN WONDERLAND

Rita Farr was out near a jungle, filming one of her movies, when she took a break while they dealt with technical difficulties. She walked through the jungle, and saw Rodney Rabbit run past her.

“Hey, wait up,” she called, “You’d be perfect to play the part of the bunny in our film.”

“Can’t stop. I’m late, I’m late, for a very important date, namely the publication deadline for the  next issue of Wonder Wabbit,” said Rodney and darted down a rabbit hole.

Rita dived in after him and found herself falling down slowly to the ground of a subterranean world. She was in a room or wide hallway of some sort, when she noticed a table with cake and liquid marked ‘eat me’ and ‘drink me’ respectively. After tasting both, she found she’d acquired the permanent ability to grow and shrink at will.

“This is amazing,” she said, “I think I’ll call myself Elasti-Girl.”

“You should see what carrots do to me,” said Rodney.