As I think back on things today, it’s really amazing how easy it is to toy with someone’s emotions and pleasures in order to manipulate them into a situation they’re thrown into.  Rescuing me from one of my deepest fears and all the kind and gentle affection and I had begun to feel different about Hiroshi.  Maybe I didn’t trust her completely, but I was feeling less and less like she was a threat to my life like I’d felt before.  If she kept up this time of being so gentle and careful with me, it might not be so bad. 

I thought more on things as well that night.  I had been left on top of the pillow on the double futon as she slept.  A warm breeze hit me the moment she went unconscious, her breathing reaching me, only one pillow away.  After she had fallen asleep, I sat up and looked at her.  Her hair flowing down the sides of her head and her eyes a comfortable and casual type of shut.  She was even smiling as she slept.  I sat for a long time, just sitting there, wide awake, and watching her. 

‘What now?’ I thought to myself.  For a moment, my mind went back to Rebecca and the life I’d been taken from.  Today had shown that this situation could be somewhat pleasant and not full of fear.  In fact, if I didn’t have Rebecca, I might have been convinced to accept this as my new life.  If she stayed calm, loving, and gentle, it would be a heavenly situation.  It even appealed to me.  The idea of never having to work again and being taken care of definitely had its positives.  Of course, past the possibility of Hiroshi getting rough and hurtful with me again. 

My left palm went over my forehead as I thought to myself.  What could I do?  I was the size of a doll.  Pets are bigger than me.  Children would think I was a doll and probably kidnap me and do much worse than Hiroshi was doing, all by themselves.  I’d probably hurt myself if I tried to go up or down any sets of stairs.  There was nothing I could do.  I was helpless.  All I could do was depend on Hiroshi. 

Or was I?  The more I thought on things, the more I thought about how dependent I was on someone’s help, namely hers.  What could I do?  Nothing that would lead to me being rescued.  It was hopeless to try to leave.  Besides, if I tried, Hiroshi would surely punish me with disastrous results.  I could be made even smaller, or she could squeeze me again and break my limbs out of pure jealous rage.  No, she wouldn’t do that.  Would she? 

My mind was filled with conflict.  That day scrambled my brain more than the eggs.  Would Hiroshi hurt me or wouldn’t she?  Was I helpless or wasn’t I?  Could anything be done about anything?  What if I walked away from Hiroshi and a spider came along?  What if I fell in a hole in the floor and died from the fall?  What if Hiroshi came looking for me and accidentally kicked me across the room?  The worst case scenarios came into my head.  In the darkness of the outer edges of the room, my mind started seeing thing. 

I stared into the blackness and could swear I saw an eight-legged monster just waiting to pounce on me.  It made my whole body shiver.  I kept staring at that one spot.  Looking at the shadows I thought I saw.  Staring and staring, hoping and expecting it to be my imagination and go away.  The more I looked, the more scared I started to get.  I was terrified of spiders and now that some would be bigger than me was too scary to describe.  Before long, I finally looked away from the blackness where I’m sure my fear was creating things that weren’t really there. 

Then I heard a creak from across the room.  My head jerked up with an “Oh, my gosh what was that?!” look.  I stared into the blackness again at hearing the floorboard creak.  My fingers were starting to tremble as thoughts of falling down a hole in the wood entered my head.  Falling and breaking my legs in the fall.  Trapped between floors with no way for Hiroshi to find me.  Only for something…else to find me and not be so kind.  Becoming some animal’s food or just dying of starvation.  My breathing started to increase and get rapid. 

Then I heard a loud thumping sound from far away.  I didn’t feel it, but it sounded like something heavy fell and hit the floor.  What could it be?  A baseball the weight of an anvil?  A book with the same weight as a car?  As soon as the sound entered my mind, I naturally shrieked and got on all fours, scrambled across the pillow I was on.  With each of these images came more fear until I was quaking in fear from my own imagination. 

I went across the pillow and jumped over to the other pillow without any hesitation. I wasn’t really thinking of anything.  I was just moving in fear of spiders, falling, and heavy objects.  I crawled down the pillow and came down around where Hiroshi’s neck was partly against the pillow.  I latched onto her neck, clinging to her as I shook.  I held onto her as tight as I could, feeling the subtle movements as she breathed in her sleep.  I clung my entire body to her and shook. 

I don’t know how long I stayed there.  But I knew that I was terrified and desperately clung to her for my own safety.  As I did so, I could feel the warmth coming from her body warming up mine.  Eventually, I wore myself out and started to drift off to sleep.  As I did so, I started thinking again. 

Thinking that it was okay to stay close to her.  Just for tonight.