The coach blew his whistle. “Alright, men, that’s enough practice for today! Hit the showers!”

Cordelia stopped in the middle of doing a sit-up, staring through the sea of legs as the other football players rose and grumbled their way towards the locker room. “That’s it? We spent the whole practice session running around and doing warm-up exercises?”

“Yup,” Andy said, drenched in Cordelia’s sweat so much that the duct tape was beginning to give way.

“But we didn’t even throw around a ball once!”

“I know.”

“I smell like an ape.”

“I know.”

“And for what!? We didn’t do anything!”

“Welcome to the wonderful world of sports.”

Cordelia dropped her arms to her side. “Football sucks.”

“Cori.”

“Yeah?”

“Get me the hell out of here!” Andy screamed. “I’ve been stuck smelling your sweat for the past three hours and have had nothing to look at but the inside of your ear, which might I add is not a pleasant sight when it looks like it can suck you up at any second! Have you ever heard of a q-tip!?”

“And to think, I thought a man was supposed to love his woman for every part of her body,” Cordelia grumble, rising onto feeble legs. She slowly started limping towards the locker room while trying to ignore Andy’s endless list of complaints.

“…can’t believe… I don’t… this to me! …sometimes… …if you… Never! Not…again… like…smell your underwear!”

“What?”

“You weren’t even listening to me, were you!?”

“I’m kind of glad I wasn’t. You should be too.”

Andy sighed. “Look, I just want out. This day hasn’t exactly been easy on me.”

“Just wait for tonight,” Cordelia gritted her teeth. She walked past the locker room doors, figuring the football team might figure out she wasn’t Andy if she took off her clothes and showered with them, and instead headed for a public payphone on the side of the building. Quickly glancing around and seeing only the coach and the water boy on the field, with their backs to her, she gripped her hands around her helmet and tugged. It slid off slowly, despite the sweat working as a lubricant, and whichever strands of damp hair didn’t cling to the skin of her neck rained down her back. The cool air brushed against her warm face and she sighed deeply, holding the clammy helmet out in front of her like a bucket as she reached in, peeling away the loose tape and picking up Andy by the collar of his shirt. She set him on the metal base of the payphone and dropped the helmet unceremoniously to the trash-ridden ground.

“Sweet mercy!” Andy cried, falling to his knees and kissing the metal floor he stood upon. “Oh, fresh air, fresh earth!”

Cordelia ignored him and searched the ground for loose change. There were pennies galore, but it took kicking over a plastic cup and shooing a swarm of ants to find a quarter, which she quickly plucked up between her fingernails and deposited it into the phone slot.

“Who are you calling?” Andy asked, looking up at her.

“Your parents. I’m going to tell them you’re staying over at my house tonight.”

“They’re never going to say okay.”

“I know,” she said, holding the receiver on her shoulder as she dialed Andy’s home phone number.

“Why don’t you let me talk to them then?”

“They like me more.”

“Fine,” Andy grumbled, trying to put on his sorriest pout face. Cordelia wasn’t buying it. Feeling bored, he decided to explore by climbing the phone cord, as that seemed to be the most intelligent thing to do in his tiny mind.

She watched him as the phone rang once in her ear. “Be careful, idiot.”

“Please, I know what I’m doing,” Andy said, now about thirty feet (size proportionally) up the cord. Cordelia twirled and untwirled the cord around her finger, and though it was a small movement by her, that force caused the cord to rock back and forth. Throwing his weight in movement with her swings, Andy was able to get the cord swaying pretty high, and then leaped off at just the right height in order to land on the coin return lever. Its metal surface caused him to slide, almost off, before he managed to grab hold of the edge and dangle there with his feet wildly thrashing.

“Nevermind, I hope you fall,” Cordelia muttered, listening to the second ring on the phone. She pivoted on her heel, leaning against the payphone so that her shadow covered up Andy.

He managed to pry himself on top of the lever and was hoping Cordelia would congratulate him, but all he could see were the big double zeros of the back of her jersey and her wet hair dangling in front of him.

“Cooori!” he whined, pulling on one of her hair strands.

“Be quiet, I’m on the phone.” The phone clicked on the other end. “Hello, Mr. Andy’s dad?”

“He has a name, you know…”

“Yeah, but I don’t feel like giving you a last name in this story.”

“Fine!” Andy said, yanking on her hair strand. She responded simply by shaking her head, causing Andy to fly towards the jersey, stop, and then sail back and slam into the payphone like Tarzan into a tree. Then he found himself recoiling back towards the jersey, but this time he hurled his body to one side, causing the hair strand to swing around and just brush him past the payphone. He stuck out his legs, like wheels on a landing plane, and scuttled across the flat surface of the face of the phone until suddenly his foot got caught in a hole in the ground (or rather, the wall, since he was on the side of the phone). He was jerked back and slammed against the backside of the hole, losing balance and falling into it—the coin deposit.

Cordelia continued to chat away, but as soon as the words “stay over” left her mouth, there was suddenly a lot of screaming on the other end that made Andy’s shouts for help impossible to hear. How he wished he had cleaned out her ears now.

“I know, Mr. Andy’s dad,” she was trying to say, “but… Yes, I know he’s irresponsible… Yes, I know… Yes… Hello, Mrs. Andy’s mom… Yes, I know…”

“Cooooooooordelia!” Andy shouted from inside the coin deposit. That little sliver of light had just disappeared from above and he was left flailing his arms in darkness.

“Hello, Mrs. Andy’s grandma… Yes, I know he can’t cook. Believe me, I do… Yes, I know he’s not good enough for me…”

“Thanks, grandma,” Andy muttered. At least he could hear Cordelia.

“Hello, Mr. Andy’s grandpa… I thought you were dead… Oh, you came back to tell me that? …Yes, I know. I don’t mind washing the sheets…”

“Okay, now you’re just rubbing it in.”

“Hello again, Mr. Andy’s dad… Yes, you’re welcome… No, I’m sorry. I don’t think he can stay over at my house forever… No, I don’t want to be adopted… Okay, sir… Yes, I know… Have a good day.” Cordelia turned around and hung around the phone. “Well, that was easy.”

She looked around. “Andy?” For a moment, her eyes were wide, fearing he might be lost, but her eyes narrowed into slits when she spotted the coin deposit hole. Sighing, she pressed down on the coin return lever and heard something land in the return slot, followed by a ‘plink!’, and then an, ‘Ow!’ as she pushed the door open with her index finger.

“Got your quarter back!” Andy said, popping his head through the hole with the coin in hand.

Cordelia stared at him, pinched the quarter between her fingers, and let the door slam shut on Andy’s waist. He grunted and wriggled his body the rest of the way through, landing hard on the metal base of the payphone.