• 11 •

The usual suspects gathered at my dorm today. It’s a fun and relaxed evening, as usual, just the alcohol is flowing freely today. It’s the day the results of this semester’s courses were published and we all have a real good reason to celebrate. I scored only top notes and feel plainly splendid! The others are also most pleased with their results and so tonight’s cheerful spirit couldn’t be any better.

Well, maybe the bong we shared an hour ago plays a part in it, too.

“Okay, okay! Next subject: David’s whacked-out shoes. Where for gawd’s sake do you always get this stuff? And, more important: WHY?” Alex somehow acts up as the entertainer and moderator tonight.

All eyes rivet on David’s footwear. Provokingly, he places one shoe on the armrest of my sofa for a better view as he pours himself another drink. Indeed, the boots he’s wearing are extraordinary. Crafted in the style of Japanese tabi-socks, the big toe is separated from the small toes. Made from premium leather and featuring a treaded rubber sole, they must have been quite expensive.

“I dallied over these marvellous examples of craftsmanship and style for weeks. So when I got my results today, I decided to reward myself with them.” He taps his toes demonstrative before he sits down again.

“Craftsmanship – fine with me. But style? What kind of style? Ninja-weekend-warrior style?” Alex is still highly amused.

“Pffff, what do you know about fashion? Jeans, tee and sneakers everyday might be okay for some, but a few of us need a veritable change now and then.” David is superbly confident, far above being defensive when teased by someone.

“I sure like them. Unusual, if not fancy. Accentuated from all the usual mishmash.” Leah still leaps to David’s defence when he’s attacked. Crissie nods approvingly and I also agree with her.

Alex shrugs, rises and opens another bottle of wine.

“What happened to your neck, Kim?” I felt Crissie’s eyes on me constantly this evening and now she utilizes the conversation’s pause.

“Just a little side effect from the new training.” I’d prefer not to tell about my beating and hope to get away with this bit of information.

“What new training? Did I miss something crucial?” David immediately swoops down on my diversion. Of course they would home in on it, how could I have hoped for something else?

“We had a special course in our gym last week, and after...”

“What kind of course?” David probes.

“Hojojutsu. That is, before you ask, a Japanese martial art about fettering an opponent. Whatever, after…”

“You attended a class learning Japanese bondage? Isn’t that called Shibari, not what you said? And does that mean, the two of you are interested in and able to tie up someone into a helpless piece of flesh? I love it! Will you marry me?” Alex bursts out loud and jumps at Leah and me, slouching down unsolicited but with relish across my and Leah’s lap, spraying some wine over both of us. With an annoyed grumble, Leah puts her hand flat on his face, effectively silencing him.

“Ignore that buffoon. Go on!” David again thwarts my plan to just let the subject die away. That nosy little weasel!

“After the course, the teacher and his wife asked us to attend to a special training for selected trainees. That’s what we did on Saturday and Sunday morning.”

“What kind of training is that? No offense, but it sounds like a way to squeeze some more money out of you.” Curious as he might be, David also is genuinely caring about us.

“No, not at all. It’s free and we even got the gym membership free of charge. By principle it’s quite similar to what we did at the gym, just with closer supervision and some more options.” Having said that, I almost feel Leah’s head flying around, her eyes burning a hole into my head with her look of bewildered astonishment.

“Leah seems not to agree…” Crissie giggles.

“Oh, that’s just been the understatement of the year! In fact, we train hardcore combat application of martial arts. It’s without doubt the most intense and finest training one could possibly get!” Leah’s outburst testifies her ardent zeal. In that I’m with her, but I’d prefer to be more discreet about it.

“So you caused the bruise on Kim’s neck?”

“No, we don’t fight each other. There’s always a bunch of opponents we can hit as much and as hard as we’re able to.” If Leah’s former explanation didn’t puzzle our friends, this one sure did.

“What? Living persons you kick and punch and clobber with all strength? What the hell is going on there?” Now David sounds completely perplexed and I can’t even hold it against him.

“You can bet, I’ve been as stunned at first as you are now, so I asked our hosts about these guys. The explanation is strange and striking and a bit weird – but ultimately it’s quite consistent.”

The dramatic pause she’s inserts here causes all our friends to stare at her with open-mouthed tenseness.

“These guys are volunteers they find on the internet. Guys who enjoy to get defeated, beaten and even brutally thrashed, especially by women. They get some training and have to pledge to provide as much of a fight as they can and never be easy prey. But eventually they’re there for Kim and me to beat them up.”

The silence that follows Leah’s disclosure of this – no doubt – bizarre fact, is unnerving.

“Those lucky bastards! Getting to play rough and dirty with two enchanting ladies, what a fantastic idea!” Alex hilarious commentary breaks the tension and all burst out with laughter.

“Ah, will you pummel me one day, too, warrior princess?” With a yearning look at Leah, Alex develops his joke further.

“Why wait, you scamp?” Leah chuckles and playfully twirls Alex’ ears, who writhes in pretended agony.

“But that doesn’t explain Kim’s neck bruise.” David just can’t leave it at that.

Meanwhile, Leah is completely in the ludicrous mood of a cheerful storyteller.

“Oh, right! That wasn’t an opponent but one of our teachers.”

“Is choking the martial arts version of detention or is one of your trainers Homer Simpson?” The grumpy tone David features tells how unhappy he is when one of us gets hurt. Despite his cool and sometimes aloof conduct, he actually is a carebear when it comes to his friends.

“Our Kim here has been pert and Mrs. Grayson doesn’t like pertness, which is obvious for everyone but Kim. So Mrs. Grayson made her stance clear.” Though I know that Leah’s teasing is friendly and just a joke, her mocking tone goads me.

“I had an opinion and wasn’t afraid to advocate it.” Bah, that make me appear more defensive than anything.

“Yaaah! And Mrs. Grayson beat that opinion out of you, given how heartily you pommeled your opponents the next day.”

“I just reconsidered the mentioned arguments, weighed the pros and cons and then adjusted my approach accordingly. That’s epistemology in action!”

“And the key argument was written on the sole of her shoe?”

My attempt to appear grave and scholarly crumbles to dust when I have to explode with laughter, my friends joining in immediately. I stuff another space cake into my mouth, gulp it down with my drink and pour me another one. This evening’s gorgeous, gorgeous, gorgeous!

“Let’s be honest, I did let the old hag defeat me. I easily could have had hosed her!” Get back into the saddle, Kim, show ‘em who’s the number one!

“Sure, lil’ grasshopper, you’ve been in control the whole time. Especially when your eyes rolled back into your head and you went limp like a jellyfish!” Again the room bursts with laughter and mine is among it.

“If I wanted to, I could get rid of her just like this!” I snap my fingers to underline my playfully yelled statement.

“By getting your booty smacked ‘til she breaks down out of pity?” Leah screams back, grinning maniacally.

“Noez, by shrinking her down to the size of a bug and then reducing her to a gory stain under my boot!”

“Yap, that’d count as hosed, I say.” Alex throws in his comment that coolly, that we roll in convulsions of laughter.

“Hosed, hmmm… that reminds me: how’s your project work going, Alex?” David grins broad as he refers to the mysterious academic ‘project’ Alex refers to every now and then.

“Not bad! Precedes well and develops…”

“Ah, you’re a talker! Just admit it, your highfalutin project’s nothing but a lame excuse to idle away whole days! Or is it a procrastination project? In that case, you’re doing great!”

“You’ll see when I publish the results. It’ll be a scientific breakthrough! Green with envy you’ll be. Shouldn’t be at all surprised if I get an award or something.” Alex waves away David’s verbal assault nonchalantly.

“Sh’ya right, I’ll have my second Nobel prize before you publish anything worth noticing.”

Alex abruptly sits up, in the process rolling painfully across my thigh. I squeak and retaliate by snapping sharply against his ear.

“Do you really think you’re a better scientist than me, my dear friend?” Rubbing his struck ear, Alex flashes his eyes at David.

“Lemme think - yes. No, I KNOW I’m a better scientist than you lounger.”

“In your dreams, Scaramouche, only in your wildest dreams!”

“It seems we have a contest!” Crissie blurts out enthusiastically while Alex and David stare each other down grinning. Both sit down on the floor cross-legged, facing each other.

“What about some stake to make it more interesting?” David proposes and Alex nods immediately.

“The loser’s going to be the winner’s drudge and has to do everything he’s been told.” Wow, Crissie develops some nasty streak when she’s drunk and stoned.

“What’s so special about that? I mean, Alex already is my bitch, anyway!” The laughter pays Davis off for his joke.

“Whaaaat? I’ll make you my bitch, friendo!”

“Stop this sandbox play drivel. The loser gets shrunken by Kim and has to be everyone’s bitch!” Leah pats my shoulder as she teases me. Again, everyone’s laughing and this joke goes at my expense.

“Agreed!” I grin and bear it.

“First question, then: what is Gubbinshole Ditch?” Crissie opens with a sincerely odd question.

“What? That’s stupid, I want another question!” David complains, but all others’ heads shake in unison.

“Easy! That’s the trench around a landfill to drain water.” Alex seems pretty confident.

“No way, it’s a shitty lil’ rivulet in… in… England?” David counters doubtfully.

“Is that a question or your answer?” Crissie presses on and receives a nod from David.

“David’s right!” she cheers. David throws up his arms and Alex starts to protest.

“Foul! Foul! He didn’t know, he just guessed!”

“Isn’t that what you engineers are wont to do? Halfway precise guessing?” I couldn’t possible let this chance for a skit go by unused.

“Take it like a man, sissy! David’s right and you’re not.” I like the vigorous Crissie far better than the girlish one.

“Next one’s on me: what’re the first names of H. P. Lovecraft?” Leah comes up with a literature question.

 “C’mon, I don’t read such shit. Hank Paul?” It’s pretty usual for David to grouse when he doesn’t know a thing. His damned vanity!

“It’s Howard Phillips.” Alex says triumphant with a boastful grin into David’s direction.

“Alex’s right!”

His laughter is overbearing while David waves aside disgruntled.

“Standoff! Third and last question is on me. What’s the molar mass of water? Whose answer’s closer wins, question and match.” By sheer coincidence I know this and I guess they don’t. So I let them guess again!

“I say… one.” Alex rubs his chin.

“Eleven point one repetend.” David states with a shrug.

“It’s 18, you dorks! David’s estimation’s closer, David wins!” I shout out as if that were the world’s most common fact. David jumps up rejoicing while Alex slaps his hands before his eyes and falls back over complaining.

“You’re my bitch, pipsqueak! Just as I said! My bi-atch! Obey your master, who‘s me!” He performs a perfect mocking jig while we girls rattle with laughter.

“C’mon Kim, just as you said: shrink him and clinch his humiliation!” With boundless sneer in her voice, Leah again goads me on. An irked pang of injured pride triggers my cutting reaction. I concentrate…

The laughter dies away as everyone stares on the pile of clothes where Alex has been a second before.

“No problem.” No need to hold back my sardonic triumph. You thought I’ve been lying? Think again, friends!

After a moment, a 6-inch-Alex crawls out of his clothing and looks around puzzled. David stumbles back and flops down on the chair, staring doubtfully at his tiny friend.

“Are you okay, dude?”

Alex looks at his arms, down his body and around him once more. He stands up and nods. Suddenly there’s an icy lump in my throat. What the heck have I done? I just revealed my darkest secret to everyone! You managed to keep your secret for more than a week, Kim, congratulations! At this speed, you should be in the international news within a week! Ooh, the nausea…

To everyone’s surprise – and my unending relief – Alex suddenly grins exhilarated and chuckles.

“That’s far out! Now this is a thing you don’t experience every day!” His amused and carefree reaction makes the others smile again.

“How did you do that? Why are you capable of doing that?” Crissie stares at me wide-eyed. Is that just astonishment in her voice? Do I really hear admiration and a glimmer of reverence, or is that what I want to hear. All the others eyes are on me, too. It takes a load off my heart to see only surprised curiosity but no resentment or fear at all.

“Well, it’s pretty simple: my granny was a sorceress and I inherited the capability.” Unwittingly, I speak quietly, as if a loud noise could awaken my friends’ abhorrence and bashfully cast down my eyes.

“Aside from that this should be plainly impossible, it’s great!” It surprises me that Crissie in particular takes this so favourable, if not keen.

“Ah, lovely Kim, so far you had to stand being only second place behind me, but this gives you a certain advantage and I don’t blame you for overhauling me.” Leah puts her arm around my shoulders comforting and cuddles her head against mine.

“In what world have I ever been your inferior?” I ask suspiciously and the ensuing laughter takes away almost all tension from the situation.

I look down as I feel something on my instep. Alex casually leans onto my foot.

“Sorry to break your bragging contest, but you can bring me back normal, can you?” I sincerely admire the insolent way Alex deals with this. I would fully understand if he were a nervous wreck. I hope that results from having true trust in me and this thought warms my heart.

“Why certainly!” I smile assuring and nod. Alex pats my foot satisfied and nods, too.

“Anyway, you shouldn’t be all too confident, Alex. You’re in that situation because you lost the contest and are doomed to be everybody’s bitch, remember?” Crissie’s sardonic allusion casts an amused grin on everyone’s face – except Alex’. All eyes are on the tiny guy at my feet.  

“Hey, hey, whoa – wait a minute! You wouldn’t use my predicament to harass me, would you?” He steps back and gestures defensively with his hands.

“Sorry, you lost, dude. A prize is a prize and I claim mine!” David smiles slyly while Crissie and Leah nod affirmative.

“Kim, protect me from these barbarians!” Alex says as he hides behind my leg.

I bow down and push him gentle but firm towards David.

“In this I’m with them, Alex. You lost and you gotta pay.”

He hangs his head and performs a helpless gesture. Then he looks into the round.

“Okay, fine. What do you want me to do?”

After a moment of thinking, David motions Alex overstated to come to him. With a resigned sigh, Alex shrugs and walks towards him. Standing before his now huge pal, arms akimbo, he grins up defiantly.

“You slandered over my shoes. I want you to pay an excuse – a very serious, very contrite excuse…”

With this, the really strange part of the evening begins!