Reviewer: Trap Signed
Date: August 05 2018
Title: Chapter 1: Chapter 1: Discovery
This is a pretty fun little romp! The characterization is absolutely engaging, and lead to some nice action. The sense that the title character doesn't exactly understand the scope of what she's causing only further enhances the power disparsity. The chapter "Momdom and Chocolate" is probably my favorite, because it draws the most attention to that fundamental disconnect - and I love the descriptions of her accidental actions, and nonchalant reactions afterwards. It's also nice how not every aspect of reality control entirely revolves around worshipping her; you get across a great sense of her personality from how replays of her favorite shows and insistence on health and hygiene float around her idle commands. The whimsical tone, lack of destruction, and mind-controlled happiness everyone's in make you really cheer along, it's like a comfortable visit.
Now, for the constructive criticism: the word "mom" appears 98 times so far in the story, not counting variations like "mommy". This isn't incredibly jarring when the kids are in focus, but it gets a little odd when they're more minor characters: more specifically, upon the founding of Mommyland. If Jenny had found the amulet, would she name the planet "Daughterland", or "Sisterland"? Granted, now that her children are getting an expanded role, I feel like this'll be less apparent.
As well, I think the story could really benefit from a few more juicy, delicious peaks at life in Mommyland. I like what I've seen of that, and you've brought some nice world-shaking changes; and while I love the pacing, taking a moment to pause the action, and really soak in just how much this woman has changed everyday life, how her immense curves look to the world, could really round out the story even fuller.
Overall, top-notch stuff. Very excited to see how the dynamics change with time, both with the extra players involved and the mother getting more used to her role. I love it when the power scales shift, and someone who was below a set of feet is now towering in the clouds!
Author's Response: I really appreciate the review! As someone who's super ammeture and doesn't write very often, I'm really thankful for the big feedback
Right now I'm actually considering taking back the newest chapter, and steering the story in a different direction. Having the next newest chapter be from the perspective of a normal person as they succumb to the whims of their new maternal deity; as well as having the story primarily focus on her. Though I'm definitely going to go through and do a quick edit at some point and replace some of the "mom"'s now that you pointed it out :P
hope you're having an awesome day!