Heyas, really interesting story so far :)  Good themes, character building etc, nothign seems 'mindles' about how you've stylised your characters (Its such a relief to see a story where the two girls arent bimbo cheerleaders or collage room mates with hour-glass figures or some other over-used cliche!).

The dialect/accent thing is interesting, never seen that done well in a story before, it makes you kinda read it in their voices which helps with the immersion.

the layout is nice and fluid, so i would reccomend you keep that up, too many broken up paragraphs is an utter CHORE to read and breaks up the fluid style of a story, but you've done alright here.

Over-all, hope you keep this going :)   All too many terrible stories are spamming updates on this site at the mo, it would be nice to get some quality back into the mix!!

This is good, i would certainly read a seequal of it if you were to make it into a series. Your 'action' scenes with the crushing and the interation and such were really nice paced and had enough description to allow the imagination to fill in anything else the reader may need.

Interactive dialogue was good and didn't bog the story down with dull repetition or needless padding and overall was realistic.

The only issue i would say i have is that you can afford to be a little more liberal with the scene-setting descriptions. People come into a story expecting to be told what the characters look like for example, but we dont have that here, all we know is that your main character had school shoes and white tights on...

Perhaps in future take the time at the start to fully set a scene, it really helps with reader immersion.

Awesome work on the slave girl by the way ;)  That was good fun hehe

Ems.