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Disclaimer: I do not own the Legend Of Zelda franchise or The Legend Of Zelda: The Minish Cap. The Legend Of Zelda franchise is under the ownership of Nintendo; The Legend Of Zelda: The Minish Cap is the property of Nintendo and Capcom. This is merely a form of fanfiction for entertainment purposes.

LINK AND EZLO: REM’S INSIDE STORY


by XanderMartin98


During a seemingly very normal and peaceful day in The Legend Of Zelda: The Minish Cap’s version of Hyrule Castle Town, this glorified slapstick cartoon episode began with Link entering Rem’s shoe store in hopes of getting/purchasing the Pegasus Boots from Rem himself and therefore gaining proper access to Castor Wilds as a result. Unfortunately, however, said shoe maker then immediately fell asleep right in front of Link and weirdly-harmlessly slammed his own rather-amusingly dorky-looking and bespectacled face right into the top of his shoe-making table while he was trying (and failing) to figure out how to properly finish making said pair of boots despite the fact that said pair of boots was quite-literally RIGHT in front of him and was a prime example of something that he was supposed to be EXTREMELY good at making.


“HUH?!” Link rather-loudly gasped as Rem’s aforementioned face-plant knocked a pair of ordinary shoes that had been resting atop the man’s shoe-making table straight down onto the floor of the man’s also-aforementioned shoe store and also caused Link to suddenly notice the ladder that the Town Minish people that lived in said shoe store somehow had built into (in “bird’s eye view” terms) the bottom-right leg of said table. Naturally enough, Link wanted to find a way to climb up said ladder, and he wanted to do so every bit as quickly-yet-quietly as he was able to.


“Hmm…” Ezlo (Link’s hat) interestedly thought to himself as Link gently-and-quietly pushed the aforementioned pair of shoes that Rem had just knocked down onto the floor of his shoe store out of the way of the also-aforementioned ladder that he was about to start climbing straight up and then slowly-but-surely tip-toed his way over to the seemingly-pointlessly upside-down giant pot that was resting on (in “bird’s eye view” terms) the top-left corner of said shoe store’s floor for some good old-fashioned shrinking of both himself and Ezlo. After surprisingly-quietly jumping onto the bottom of said pot, Link then immediately used Ezlo’s strangely awesome magical power(s) to jump straight into the extremely conspicuous “crack hole” that said pot bottom was adorned with and shrink himself until he was the size of a Minish person in the process.


“WHEE!” Link excitedly thought to himself as he surprisingly-calm-lookingly fell straight down through the interior of the aforementioned giant pot that he somehow had just jumped into, bounced off of several weirdly existent giant leaves that were on the “bottom” of said interior, and then finally landed on said “bottom”. Thankfully, Link immediately saw a Minish hole that somehow had been built into the “bottom” of the inner wall of said pot and then very-quickly ran straight through said hole in order to exit said pot after doing so.


“That’s right! Even some human objects are portals to the Minish world!” Ezlo suddenly began explaining to Link as said boy ran straight back out of Rem’s giant upside-down pot and then found himself standing on the floor of what appeared to be one of the largest buildings that he had ever seen as a result of how small he had just caused both himself and Ezlo to become. “Those Minish people may not look like much, but they really are quite crafty!” Ezlo continued explaining to Link while said boy boredly and rather-annoyedly yawned and thought “What is this guy going to remind me about next? Water being quite WET?” to himself in response.


“Hmm…” Link interestedly thought to himself as he immediately walked straight over to the aforementioned Minish ladder that Rem’s shoe-making table somehow featured and then just-as-immediately began climbing straight up said ladder until he finally reached the top of said table. Surely enough, shoe-making tools and shoe-making schematics were QUITE far from being the only things that were on said tabletop, since both Rem’s face and arms and exactly three Town Minish people also were on it.


“Hey, hey! You’re Link, right? You’re the guy who brought your sword to Master Melari!” one of the aforementioned Town Minish people that were standing on Rem’s shoe-making tabletop cheerfully said to Link while said boy was busy extremely-nervous-lookingly trying to ignore how surprisingly intimidating the sleeping giant that was right in front of him as said Town Minish person spoke to him was. “You’re on a quest to save Princess Zelda, aren’t you? I wish that I could go on a quest, but then who would make Rem’s shoes for him?” said Town Minish person increasingly-sad-lookingly said to Link while said boy crossed his arms over his chest and increasingly-mischievous-lookingly smirked at said Town Minish person in response. 


“If you’re talking about Pegasus Boots, then allow ME to ask the three of YOU something; have you guys ever tried simply entering Rem’s head through one of his ears while he is asleep and then sneaking into his brain in order to make HIM make said boots for US?” Ezlo curiously asked the aforementioned Town Minish people that he and Link had just very-expectedly met while Link completely-agreeingly nodded his own head (causing Ezlo to rather-amusingly shake) in response. Understandably enough, said suggestion caused said Town Minish people to very-disapprovingly glare at Ezlo due to how blatantly cartoonish and impossible(?) the thing that it was about was.


“HMPH!” Ezlo indignantly said while “Rem’s little shoe makers” chastised him with their eyes. “At least MY plan is more BRAINY than whatever YOUR plan is!” Ezlo laughingly pointed out while both Link and “Rem’s little shoe makers” highly-annoyed-lookingly rolled their eyes and said “UGH” in response to said pun.


“ANYWAY...if Link came here because he needs Pegasus Boots, then he clearly has arrived JUST in time! We made a pair of said boots just now while Rem was sleeping!” another one of “Rem’s little shoe makers” shruggingly groaned and then begrudgingly told Link and Ezlo in his usual highly-cheerful-sounding voice while indicatively pointing at the sadly not-entirely-finished pair of Pegasus Boots that was resting atop Rem’s shoe-making table using both of his index fingers as he did so. “However, only Rem can put the finishing touches on them…” said Town Minish person utterly-depressed-lookingly admitted while Link and Ezlo smugly grinned in response.


“Ha, ha! That sleepy-headed FOOL is nearly impossible to wake up!” the third and final one of “Rem’s little shoe makers” clutched his belly with his hands and heartily-laughingly began telling Link and Ezlo. “AHEM...if you actually do want to wake Rem back up, then you definitely are going to need to-”


“Go INTO that sleepy head of his? OF COURSE!” Ezlo mockingly interjected, causing the Town Minish person that he had just interrupted the extremely boring expository speech of to rather-worried-lookingly point his right index finger straight up and say “UMM…” to him as Link immediately and very-excited-lookingly ran straight over to Rem’s right hand (which was resting on his shoe-making tabletop, just like his left hand and his face) and then climbed onto the back of said hand in hopes of being able to enter his right ear by climbing his right arm from there. Unfortunately, however, while Link was climbing onto Rem’s right hand, said shoe maker was dreaming about (the fact that he had a rather-adorably intense crush on) Princess Zelda.


“WOW...you...you seriously just grabbed one of my HANDS?” Rem finally stopped looking straight down at the ground and blushingly and adorably-awkward-lookingly asked Princess Zelda while staring directly into her utterly beautiful eyes with his charmingly bespectacled ones as said princess very-gently began holding his right hand with her left hand as one of her ways of showing him how much she loved him while the two of them were standing atop a remarkably large and fluffy cloud in Heaven. Meanwhile, in the “real” world, Rem suddenly lifted his head right back off of his shoe-making tabletop and rather-loudly gasped in surprise while somehow still being incredibly-deeply asleep as his hands continued to similarly rest on said tabletop.


“WHOA!” Link highly-worried-lookingly thought to himself as Rem’s right hand rather-intensely twitched and caused said boy to quite-nearly lose his balance and fall off of the back of itself in the process. Needless to say, Link needed to come up with a new plan and do so very-quickly.


“Tee hee hee! Rem really is such a total DORK!” the aforementioned Town Minish people that were standing on Rem’s shoe-making tabletop looked at Rem (who was blissfully unaware of both their existence and Minish Link’s) and gigglingly said while Link cupped his chin in his own right hand and puzzled-lookingly wondered “how am I supposed to get into Rem’s head NOW?” to himself. Meanwhile, in Rem’s dream, he and Zelda already were about to start kissing each other.


“OF COURSE!” Link pointed his left index finger straight up and very-excited-lookingly thought to himself before then immediately digging into his Hammer Space and pulling a fairy-containing bottle out of it. “Umm...Link, what are you doing right now?” Ezlo worriedly asked Link as said boy released his fairy from said bottle and actually did NOT make said fairy heal anyone in the process.


“Psst, psst, psst…” Link stuffed said bottle back into his aforementioned Hammer Space and then whispered into the left ear of his fairy, causing said fairy to agreeingly nod its head and then immediately fly straight into Rem’s right ear funnel in response while Link and Ezlo proudly watched as it did so. A few seconds later, Link’s fairy began sprinkling its fairy dust onto an extremely specific part of the interior of Rem’s right ear funnel in order to make said part itchy so that Rem would scratch it and unknowingly allow Link to enter his right ear canal in the process.


“UHH...hold on, Zelda; before we start kissing each other, please allow me to take care of the absolutely nasty itch that I suddenly am feeling in my right ear!” Rem blushingly and quite-embarrassedly told Princess Zelda (causing said princess to groaningly roll her eyes in response) as he suddenly stopped holding her hands in order to scratch his right ear. Meanwhile, in the “real” world, Link already had very-tightly grabbed onto Rem’s right index finger in hopes of being accidentally lifted into the man’s right ear as a result and was fearfully shaking as he increasingly-impatiently waited for said accident to happen.


“This guy really is SUCH a total dork…” Zelda crossed her arms over her chest and head-shakingly thought to herself while looking rather depressed in the process as Rem slowly-and-carefully stuck his right index finger into his right ear funnel in order to then slowly-and-awkwardly scratch said ear funnel with said finger while rather-understandably looking quite humiliated as he did so. Meanwhile, in the “real” world, Link used the opportunity that said scratching had just given to him to valiantly jump straight into Rem’s right ear while his fairy used its magical power(s) to ever-so-slightly make him, itself and Ezlo even smaller so that the three of them would become able to properly sneak into the right ear canal of said shoe maker.


“EWW!” the aforementioned Town Minish people that were standing on Rem’s shoe-making tabletop cringingly stuck their tongues out and said as they suddenly realized what Link had just done. Meanwhile, inside Rem’s rather-surprisingly clean right ear canal, Link, Ezlo and Link’s fairy already were very-quietly approaching the man’s right eardrum as said Town Minish people spoke.


“Well, I certainly do hope that some kind of BUG isn’t crawling around in there right now!” Princess Zelda shrugged her shoulders and teasingly-and-gigglingly told Rem, causing said shoe maker to increasingly-worried-lookingly grab back onto her hands and re-ready himself to kiss her as he suddenly began feeling a rather frightening series of highly bug-like footsteps becoming increasingly close to his brain due to the fact that Link was sneaking through his right ear canal. A few rather-painfully long-feeling seconds later, in the “real” world, Link already had somewhat-nauseatedly finished sneaking past Rem’s thankfully-NOT-completely-out-of-control ear hair(s) and earwax in order to reach the right eardrum of said shoe maker and therefore become able to contact him by speaking into it.


“Um...hello?” Link crossed his arms behind his back and adorably-timidly asked Rem in an extremely girlish-sounding voice as he stood right in front of the man’s highly sensitive right eardrum. Thankfully, Rem actually was able to surprisingly-clearly hear said words as a result of said eardrum rather-fascinatingly sending them through his right inner ear and into his brain. Unfortunately, however, Rem was still dreaming and therefore thought that said words were being delivered to him by Princess Zelda rather than being delivered to him by Link.


“Um...HELLO? Rem, seriously, WHAT is bothering you right now? And WHY are you so afraid to TELL me what is doing so?” Princess Zelda frustratedly-but-lovingly asked Rem as the two of them tightly-yet-gently held each other’s hands and increasingly-eagerly brought their faces toward each other’s. However, while Princess Zelda was blushingly smiling, Rem was fearfully-AND-blushingly shaking due to how much danger his brain and his dignity both were in.


“Oh, for CRYING out loud…” Ezlo eye-rollingly thought to himself as he suddenly began readying himself to extremely-loudly shout into Rem’s right eardrum and rather-intensely shook with anger as he so. Meanwhile, Link and his fairy immediately closed their eyes and covered their ears with their hands in response. Unfortunately, however, Rem’s right eardrum really was completely defenseless and was about to experience some QUITE intense pain due to an extremely unfortunate combination of how defenseless it was and how sensitive it was.


“JUST FREAKING WAKE UP ALREADY, YOU LAZY DOLT! WHAT IN THE HELL ARE YOU WAITING FOR?!” Ezlo furiously yelled into Rem’s right eardrum with all of his might, causing both said eardrum and the sound-receiving part(s) of the man’s brain to quite-nearly burst as a result of said yelling while even “Rem’s little shoe makers” very-startledly flinched in response. Needless to say, Rem IMMEDIATELY woke up (while having a quite-intensely ringing right ear) in response.


“UGH...why did that dream have to end RIGHT when my lover and I were about to start kissing each other?” Rem clutched his suddenly rather-intensely aching head with his hands and tiredly-and-annoyedly groaned while his right ear was busy feeling as if it quite-literally was about to start bleeding. Meanwhile, Link, his fairy and Ezlo used the fact that Rem’s words were being sent directly into his brain by his ears as he spoke as a way to hear what he was saying.


“FORGET about your stupid romance fantasies and LISTEN to me before you get FIRED from the incredibly boring-looking job that you currently have!” Ezlo angrily began saying to Rem through his right eardrum while said shoe maker boredy scratched his right ear funnel with his right index finger. “I am one of the mysterious miniature men that do a rather large portion of your shoe-making work for you while you sleep like the lazy bum that you far-too-clearly are, and I am SO freaking tired of you constantly BEING tired that I am about to enter your brain in order to fix said problem!” Ezlo continued ranting into Rem’s right eardrum while said shoe maker (whose aforementioned ear ache was being made even worse by said ranting) cupped his chin in his hands, thought “I really do hate my life SO freaking much” to himself and exasperatedly sighed in response.


“Anyway, would you MIND allowing me to break your right eardrum? It KIND OF is preventing me from going all the way through your right ear right now, if you know what I’m saying...” Ezlo reluctantly asked Rem and explained to him while Link sadistically-grinningly began thinking about the bombs that he somehow was carrying in his Hammer Space in response. Surprisingly enough, Rem actually was NOT afraid to answer said question by basically saying “yes” to Ezlo.


“Well, if you entering my brain actually will cause my life to become a less painful and pathetic one, then go ahead and do whatever you have to do in order to do so. However, if you actually are about to break my right eardrum, then PLEASE try to do so by using a method that is quiet and gent- OWWWWWW!” Rem depressedly cupped his chin in his left hand and began saying to Ezlo before then suddenly rather-loudly screaming in pain and very-tightly-and-angrily clutching his intensely aching head with both of his hands as one of Link’s bombs blew a rather large hole right through his right eardrum due to how much Ezlo yelling directly into said eardrum at the top of his lungs had decreased the amount of structural soundness that said eardrum had. 


“HMPH! Despite how nice of a guy I am and how much work you supposedly have done for me, you really are making me EXTREMELY tempted to start hitting my head with my hands until you FALL out of my right ear, you utterly obnoxious little PEST! Unless you actually ARE planning to FIX my brain rather than simply PLAYING with it, PLEASE get out of my freaking head and leave said brain ALONE!” Rem crossed his arms over his chest and indignantly snarled at Ezlo as Link, his fairy and said hat immediately went straight through the aforementioned hole that Link had just blown through the man’s right eardrum. “Ahh...THANK you…” Rem relaxedly moaned with pleasure as Link’s fairy used its magical power(s) to fix the right eardrum of said shoe maker and therefore get rid of said hole before then immediately following Link and Ezlo into the blatantly Super-Mario-esque “warp” pipe that somehow was right in front of Rem’s right inner ear. Predictably enough, said pipe took Link, his fairy and Ezlo directly into Rem’s brain case.


“WOW...I really was expecting the brain of this utterly pathetic nincompoop to be SO much smaller than it actually is!” Ezlo loudly gasped in surprise after seeing Rem’s rather-oddly large brain (which was intensely pulsating due to the quite literal headache that Ezlo was causing Rem to experience) and then fascinatedly told Link as said boy and his fairy respectively stood on and floated above the inner floor of Rem’s brain case and equally-fascinatedly stared at said brain and how unbelievably massive their basically microscopic sizes were causing it to seem to them. “Well, I certainly do hope that I won’t end up having to leave this place TOO soon…” Link somewhat-nauseatedly thought to himself as he and his fairy looked at Rem’s eyeballs and nostrils and therefore sickly-green-facedly realized how extremely probable them basically having to exit the man’s head by going through his nose after they had finished repairing his brain was.


“Well, I guess that it really IS time for me to climb this giant’s brainstalk after all!” Link gigglingly said as he gleefully ran directly toward Rem’s brain stem in order to then immediately start climbing it as if it was a giant beanstalk. Rather-understandably, Link’s fairy and his hat both eye-rollingly groaned in response to the excruciatingly stupid made-up word that “brainstalk” was.


“UGGGH...whatever the thing that that little guy is doing in my head right now is, said thing really is causing me to feel SO freaking weird...” Rem increasingly-lightheadedly groaned as Link slowly-but-surely climbed his way up the man’s rather-weirdly tall brain stem by using the intensely pulsating and rather large veins that it was adorned with as handholds and footholds that they equally-weirdly had been deliberately designed to be used as. Thankfully, said journey to the top of Rem’s brain stem led Link directly to the exact location of a secret entrance hatch that the bottom of the man’s cerebral cortex somehow featured, and said hatch automatically opened itself after detecting Link, his fairy and Ezlo.


“WOW…” Link, his fairy and Ezlo astonishedly gasped as the aforementioned secret entrance hatch that they had just entered Rem’s rather-amusingly hollow brain by going through automatically closed itself behind them while they increasingly-excitedly looked at the surprisingly numerous brain-cell-transporting wires that they were surrounded by, the ludicrously futuristic and rather massive Central Nervous Super-Computer that Rem’s frontal lobe was the home of, and even the delightfully soft, wrinkly and squishy brain tissue that the walls, floor and ceiling of Rem’s control room were made out of. Meanwhile, Rem increasingly-terrified-lookingly tried to not imagine himself getting fatal brain damage as a result of whatever the self-proclaimed brain surgeon that was inside him was about to start doing to his central nervous system.


“OHHH, this feels so satisfying…” Link intensely-arousedly moaned as he briefly removed his footwear and then held it in his hands in order to bare-footedly walk across the inner floor of Rem’s brain and basically get his feet massaged by said floor in the process due to HOW delightfully soft, wrinkly and squishy said floor was. Meanwhile, Ezlo quite-understandably said “EWW” in response to said fetishistic shamelessness while Link’s fairy immediately began flying directly toward the rather-disturbingly numerous broken/damaged brain-cell-transporting wires that Rem’s life being as mind-numbingly boring and depressing as it was had caused the man’s brain to contain and using its magical power(s) to finally repair and re-connect said wires.


“UGH...FINALLY…” Ezlo nauseatedly and rather-loudly groaned as Link, after finally reaching Rem’s CNSC, rather-hastily placed his footwear back onto his feet and then immediately began sitting on the man’s brain-operating chair. Due to Rem’s CNSC featuring a microphone that allowed its operators to directly communicate with him by speaking into it, Rem rather-surprisedly asked Ezlo “HUH? What are you talking about, Mr. Professional Brain Fixer?” in response. 


“UHH...I FINALLY have found the main source of all of your problems; the giant computer that your brain somehow contains is rather old and needs an extremely large update!” Ezlo nervously explained to Rem while Link was busy logging himself into the man’s CNSC. “Well, feel free to do whatever you want to do with my Central Nervous Super-Computer as long as whatever you want to do with said computer does NOT involve things such as severely damaging it and/or digging into its memory/secret storage folders in order to humiliate me!” Rem shrugged his shoulders and increasingly-worriedly told Link and Ezlo, who both devilishly grinned in response. 


“OOO, what’s in HERE?” Ezlo teasingly asked Rem, causing the man to rather-intensely blush and sweat and quite-frantically start saying “NO, NO, NO, NO, NO” while waving his hands back and forth in response as Link droolingly-excitedly began digging into the man’s memory/secret storage folders in order to find out who his main crush was a crush on. “HA! I KNEW IT! Zelda is your favorite woman in this WHOLE wide world!” Ezlo even-more-teasingly told Rem, causing the man to glowingly-blushingly bury his intensely sweating face in the palms of his hands and cryingly scream “I JUST LIKE HER, OKAY?!” in response as Link lip-lickingly looked at the absolutely massive stash of Princess-Zelda-featuring pornography that the man’s CNSC contained.


“Well, the extremely Zelda-featuring porn stash that I have just found in this man’s brain STRONGLY suggests that he LOVES Zelda, as does the fact that he quite-literally has told me that he was dreaming about ‘his lover’ when Ezlo, my fairy and I snuck into his right ear...” Link mischievously and intensely-smirkingly thought to himself as he immediately began deleting the fact that Ezlo had just discovered how much Rem wanted to have sex with Princess Zelda from the man’s memory bank(s). Once Link had finished removing said memory from Rem’s brain, Rem immediately calmed down and returned to being his normal self as a result of said memory deletion.


“Well, you definitely DO seem to be repairing my brain pretty effectively so far…” Rem cupped his chin in his right hand and somewhat-reluctantly admitted as Link’s fairy finished fixing the man’s brain-cell-transporting wires and caused him to lose his “constantly falling asleep” habit and become much more mentally stable as a result of said brain surgery. “However, PLEASE do not dig into my memory/secret storage folders in order to mock me for who my favorite woman is or any of the other highly embarrassing things that I am hiding inside my brain right now, okay?” Rem crossed his arms over his chest and very-nervous-soundingly asked/begged Ezlo.


“Don’t worry; we DEFINITELY are not going to do an utterly depraved thing such as THAT one…” Ezlo teasingly told Rem as he and Link took a long, hard and satisfying second look at the aforementioned stash of Princess-Zelda-featuring pornography that the man’s brain contained while Link’s fairy was busy hyperactively flying around in said brain in order to make sure that it actually had completely fixed the man’s brain-cell-transporting wires. “Of COURSE you won’t…” Rem sarcastically groaned as Link completely-agreeingly thought “I really am doing an utterly depraved thing right now” to himself and therefore finally got out of the private parts of the man’s mind. 


“AHA!” Link excitedly thought to himself while joyously grinning from ear to ear as he suddenly discovered the “Intelligence Adjuster” program that Rem’s CNSC featured. Naturally enough, Link immediately decided to start using said program as a way to turn Rem into a total genius as a result of said discovery while the man still was busy being distracted from the fact that he needed to finish making his new pair of Pegasus Boots by the fact that Ezlo was inside his brain and (to put it lightly) PROBABLY was not a professional and experienced doctor/surgeon.


“Hmm...I WONDER…” Link curiously thought to himself as he used Rem’s Intelligence Adjuster to cause both the somewhat powerful right (creative) side of the man’s brain and the quite weak left (logical) side of the man’s brain to become almost-superhumanly powerful. Naturally enough, Rem’s brain-cell-transporting wires began to extremely-intensely glow as a result of said intelligence increase, causing Link’s fairy to mesmerizedly think “WOW” to itself as it flew into the exact center of the man’s brain and then gleefully looked at all of the wonderfully bright lights that it had suddenly become surrounded by as an additional result of said intelligence increase.


“REM!” Ezlo yelled at Rem in order to get his attention. “Your brain is-”


“Indeed, my brain actually is VASTLY more powerful than me constantly being forced to spend entire days idly sitting in the EXTREMELY boring shoe store that you and I are in right now has caused it to seem to be!” Rem surprisingly-observantly looked down at the pair of Pegasus Boots that “only he was able to put the finishing touches on” and extremely-smugly began telling Ezlo in a rather-unusually thick British/English Gentleman accent, causing said hat and Link to speechlessly nod their heads in response to said weirdness while Link’s fairy blushingly and intensely-lovingly flew back over to where Link was and thought “he really is SO freaking sexy” to itself about Rem. 


“Despite how completely undeniable the fact that said brain contains a giant super-computer and belongs to a bespectacled professional shoe maker who even has written an entire book whose title is Rem’s Anthology For Sleepless Nights should have caused you to realize that me being smarter than you is, you insufferably-stubbornly REFUSED to admit that you are not as intelligent as you seem to believe that you are...and now, due to the fact that you finally ARE being forced to admit that I am smarter than you, you far-too-clearly are in an absolutely total DILLY of a pickle!” Rem highly-arrogantly and extremely-mockingly told Ezlo, causing both Link and said hat to increasingly-angrily growl in response to said bragging while Link’s fairy intensely-arousedly thought “if Ezlo is an utterly obnoxious little PEST, Rem can SAY so” to itself.


“NO, I’M NOT; I’M IN YOUR FREAKING-” Ezlo extremely-annoyedly began yelling at Rem before then immediately being cut off by said shoe maker. “You’re IN my BRAIN! Ha, ha, ha! I honestly cannot BLAME a miniscule INSECT such as you for the fact that you have been wanting to see, touch and TASTE the inner workings of such a MESMERIZINGLY beauteous work of organic ART, you comically pitiful little PEASANT! Why don’t you try MASTURBATING to how much larger and more intricate my brain is when compared to yours, you utterly revolting, worthless and ugly FREAK?!” Rem hatefully sneered at Ezlo, who became steam-producingly red due to how angry he was becoming in response to said utterly obnoxious display of an unbelievably massive amount of arrogance while Link also did so. Amusingly enough, Rem had just said something that was SO infuriatingly pretentious and disrespectful that it actually caused Link’s fairy to go from being about to have an orgasm to mostly just disgustedly, speechlessly and head-shakingly agreeing with Link and Ezlo about the fact that Link really had just turned Rem into an absolutely complete douche.


“REM, IF YOU DO NOT SHUT YOUR FREAKING MOUTH AND PUT THE FINISHING TOUCHES ON YOUR NEW PAIR OF PEGASUS BOOTS RIGHT NOW, THEN I AM GOING TO START TURNING THIS PRECIOUS LITTLE BRAIN OF YOURS INTO AN ‘UTTERLY’ WORTHLESS PILE OF BLOODY PIECES WITH MY BARE FREAKING HANDS!” Ezlo furiously screamed at Rem, causing said man to become speechlessly frozen with fear in response while Link and his fairy wincingly covered their ears with their hands due to how loudly said hat was screaming. Needless to say, Rem did NOT hesitate to do the thing that Ezlo had just told him to do.


ONE “FASCINATINGLY SOPHISTICATED SHOE-ENHANCING PROCEDURE” LATER…


“AHH...after my numerous largely unsuccessful attempts to do so, I FINALLY have figured out how to make THE most absolutely perfect version of the Pegasus Boots that I am capable of making!” Rem triumphantly and extremely-relievedly wiped his sweat off of his forehead with his right arm and told Ezlo as he finally finished turning his new pair of Pegasus Boots into a pair of Speed Boosters that would allow Link to run on both swamp water and normal water and even would surround the body of said boy with magical energy that would allow him to add new holes to quite a few types of walls by charging directly into examples of said wall types with all of his might. Thankfully, Ezlo nodded his head and said “thank you” to Rem in response while Link and his fairy were busy rather-intensely yet surprisingly-quietly drooling over how utterly amazing Rem’s new Speed Boosters looked.


“Well, said version of the Pegasus Boots certainly does look EXTREMELY impressive, but are you SURE that it actually IS going to be as impressive as it looks?” Ezlo rather-worriedly asked Rem while Link and his fairy agreeingly stopped drooling and started thinking in response. “Don’t worry about that, you adorable little scamp; since my brain now is in tip-top condition due to how effectively you have repaired it, I COMPLETELY know what I am doing! I’M the BRAINS of this OUTFIT now, REMEMBER?” Rem crossed his arms over his chest, smirkingly closed his eyes and insufferably-smugly told/teased Ezlo, causing both said hat and Link’s fairy to eye-rollingly groan in response while Link rather-angrily went back into Rem’s memory bank(s) in order to cause the man to completely forget about the fact that his head had just been entered by “a mysterious miniature man whose voice sounded absolutely-exactly like Ezlo’s voice”.


“OH ho ho ho ho...I REMEMBER!” Ezlo mockingly-and-smugly told Rem; once Ezlo had finished delivering said hilariously massive load of sass to Rem, Link immediately deleted the fact that the man’s head was being used as a playground from the man’s memory bank(s) before then also-immediately logging himself out of the man’s CNSC and quickly-yet-quietly exiting the man’s brain through the exact same hidden floor hatch that he had entered it through. Meanwhile, Link’s fairy quite-literally KISSED AND LICKED the inner floor of Rem’s brain (in order to say “goodbye” and “I really do love you SO freaking much” to said brain without having to actually speak) and then somewhat-reluctantly and intensely-blushingly followed Link and Ezlo back out of said brain after finally getting to literally taste the source of Rem’s intelligence.


“WOW...what has HAPPENED to me today? Why am I suddenly so SMART?” Rem bewilderedly thought to himself as Link manually opened his brain’s secret exit hatch and then immediately began climbing straight back down his big, long, veiny and throbbing brain stem. “Also, why do I suddenly feel so extremely dizzy and WEAK?” Rem increasingly-lightheadedly thought to himself as Link slowly-but-surely climbed all the way back down onto the floor of the man’s brain case while his brain’s secret entrance hatch automatically closed itself in response to said descension. Once Link had finally finished climbing back down onto the aforementioned floor of Rem’s brain case, Link’s fairy quickly-yet-carefully sprinkled its fairy dust into the eyeballs of said shoe maker so that said shoe maker, who already was unable to see Minish people and the like despite evidently being able to hear them, would become equally unable to see fairies and the like.


“Well, here goes nothing…” Link nauseatedly thought to himself as he immediately ran straight into Rem’s right nostril while his fairy equally-immediately encased him and Ezlo in a magical force field that made falling damage non-existent and then began sprinkling its fairy dust into both of Rem’s nostrils in order to cause the man to violently sneeze his head’s new intruders straight back out of his body. As Link’s fairy immediately saw after flying out of Rem’s head through his left nostril, said plan definitely was working quite well (probably TOO well, in fact).


“AHH...AHHH...AHHHHHH…” Rem began increasingly-loudly moaning in discomfort as the aforementioned fairy dust that Link’s fairy had just sprinkled into his nostrils intensely tickled and irritated said nostrils until his nose absolutely was not able to tolerate any more of said torment. Meanwhile, the Town Minish people that had been standing on said tabletop immediately began hiding on the ladder that they had built into Rem’s shoe-making table so that Rem hopefully wouldn’t be able to accidentally kill any of them with the hilariously intense sneeze that far-too-clearly was about to come out of him.


 “AHHHHHH-CHOOOOOO!” Rem very-tightly grabbed the least useful one of the shoe-making schematic sheets that were on his shoe-making tabletop using both of his hands and then absurdly-violently sneezed directly into said sheet, blowing a rather large hole right through said sheet and sending Link and Ezlo flying STRAIGHT down into his shoe-making tabletop at a horrifyingly fast speed as a result of said sneeze. Meanwhile, Link’s fairy increasingly-worriedly waited for Rem to finish doing said thing and then immediately flew over to where Link and Ezlo had thankfully-unharmedly landed (right next to Rem’s new Speed Boosters, predictably enough) as the aforementioned force field that said fairy had just encased the two of them in suddenly disappeared a few seconds after said landing due to how much damage said landing had dealt to it.


“OOOGH…” Link very-reluctantly wiped a rather small portion of the rather large amount of nasal mucus that had just fallen onto him and Ezlo as a result of his/Ezlo’s force field suddenly vanishing off of himself and said hat with his bare hands and intensely-nauseatedly groaned as his fairy flew straight over to him and then immediately used its magical power(s) to instantly clean ALL of the ear germs, brain germs and nasal mucus that had just gotten onto him, itself and Ezlo off of the three of them and then equally-instantly enlarge the three of them back to their “normal” Minish sizes. Meanwhile, Rem very-frustratedly threw the aforementioned (and basically ruined) shoe-making schematic sheet that he had just very-foolishly used as tissue paper and then weirdly-gently crumpled into a ball with his hands onto the part of his shoe store’s floor that was right behind his shoe-making table and then surprisingly-calmly-and-patiently began waiting for someone to buy his new Speed Boosters. 


“We really do need a bath SO freaking badly right now…” Link and Ezlo exhaustedly thought to themselves as Link surprisingly-quickly got back up onto his feet and then immediately pulled the bottle that he had freed his fairy from back out of his Hammer Space before then equally-immediately sending said fairy back into said bottle and then tightly closing said bottle. “However, the hilariously bizarre and mischievous things that we have just done really were incredibly fun and interesting…” Link and Ezlo awkwardly-smilingly thought to themselves as Link immediately stuffed his bottled fairy back into his Hammer Space while the Town Minish people that had been hiding on the ladder that he was about to climb back down suddenly climbed back up onto Rem’s shoe-making tabletop in order to make sure that said shoe maker was okay.


“If the quality level of Rem’s new Speed Boosters doesn’t live up to how much utterly crazy stuff I have just done just to get them and how completely perfect he currently seems to think that they are, then I definitely am NOT going to be happy…” Link angrily and quite-worriedly thought to himself as he quickly-yet-carefully climbed back down the ladder that he had gotten onto Rem’s shoe-making tabletop by climbing up. Meanwhile, on said shoe-making tabletop, “Rem’s little shoe makers” STILL were dumbfoundedly trying to figure out exactly WHAT had just happened inside Rem’s brain as they looked up at the extremely intelligent and consistently awake new man that Link, his fairy and Ezlo somehow had just transformed said shoe maker into.       


“HUH?! Where in the sodding Hell did YOU just come from, you utterly adorable little rapscallion?” Rem bewilderedly asked Link as the normal-sized version of said Ezlo-wearing boy suddenly jumped out of the pot that he basically had shrunken himself by jumping into and then immediately ran straight over to the man’s shoe-making table in order to buy his new Speed Boosters. “Well, as long as you genuinely DO want to buy these absolutely FABULOUS new shoes of mine, I suppose that wondering where you came from is a rather pointless thing for me to be doing right now…” Rem shrugged his shoulders and somewhat-reluctantly admitted while Link droolingly-and-blushingly stared at said Speed Boosters as if he wanted to marry them.


“Give those Speed Boosters to me RIGHT now, or else I will freaking KILL you.” Link suddenly pointed his sword (which he had just-as-suddenly pulled out of his Hammer Space) directly at the front of Rem’s neck and extremely-coldly told the man, causing the man to put his hands up and become totally frozen with fear in response. “OKAY, OKAY! If you actually do need my new Speed Boosters THIS freaking much, then feel free to purchase them for 500 Rupees!” Rem intensely-sweatingly and fearfully-shakingly stammered, causing Link to quite-angrily growl at the man in response to the man revealing how annoyingly high the price of his new Speed Boosters was to him.


“Meh...personally, I think that I would enjoy healing myself with my bottled fairy for ZERO Rupees and then immediately leaving this utterly boring place considerably more.” Link deftly stuffed his sword straight back into his Hammer Space and teasingly told Rem before then immediately pulling his fairy-containing bottle right back out of said Hammer Space and then equally-immediately re-releasing the fairy that it contained from it while mischievously winking at said fairy as he did so. After pretending to fly around Link in a circular motion in order to heal said boy (since the extremely temporary “inability to see fairies and the like” that it had given to Rem’s eyeballs rather-clearly was wearing off as a result of said eyeballs naturally cleaning the fairy dust that it had sprinkled into them out of themselves), Link’s fairy caused itself to instantly “disappear” by magically shrinking itself to a basically microscopic size. 


While Rem was rather-puzzledly scratching his head with his left index finger and extremely-curiously wondering exactly where Link’s fairy had just gone as a result of the intelligence-insultingly blatant magic trick that said boy had just performed right in front of him, said fairy immediately flew straight back into the man’s brain case through his right nostril and then equally-immediately flew straight back into the man’s actual brain from there. Meanwhile, once Link’s fairy had finished “disappearing”, said boy empty-bottle-holdingly and weirdly-nonchalantly walked straight back out of Rem’s shoe store in order to extremely-excitedly wait for said fairy to finish playing with the man’s brain and then fly straight back into the bottle that he had been keeping it in.


“Personally, I think that I am going to GREATLY enjoy changing the mind of this man and will enjoy FUCKING with his brain even more!” Link’s fairy snickeringly thought to itself as it immediately logged itself into Rem’s Central Nervous Super-Computer and then very-excitedly went straight into the man’s memory bank(s) in order to equally-immediately change “Rem saying that the Speed Boosters cost 500 Rupees” to “Rem saying that the Speed Boosters cost 0 Rupees” while lecherously-and-droolingly looking at all of the utterly delicious-looking brain meat that it was surrounded by as it did so. Meanwhile, Rem confusedly scratched his head with his right index finger and was blissfully unaware of the extremely immoral things that Link’s fairy was doing inside said noggin.


“WHY is my fairy STILL not done with the EXTREMELY simple thing that it currently is supposed to be doing yet? Does it seriously have a freaking BRAIN fetish?!” Link bewilderedly, bottle-holdingly and increasingly-impatiently stood right next to the entrance of Rem’s shoe store, looked into said store and thought to himself. Naturally enough, while Link was busy wondering said thing(s) to himself, his fairy already had rather-hastily thrown its clothing onto the inner floor of Rem’s brain and was wildly, nakedly and intensely-moaningly flying all over the inside of the man’s brain case while lovingly rubbing and licking numerous parts of both the man’s brain stem and the outer and inner surfaces of the man’s cerebrum as it did so. Naturally enough, said brain massage caused Rem to increasingly-dizzily moan with pleasure and quite-nearly faint as a result of itself, causing Link to quite-nearly vomit in response to said reaction blatantly being a result of his fairy doing extremely gross and kinky things to Rem’s brain.


“Unfortunately and EXTREMELY-disgustingly, I’m pretty sure that your fairy has decided to have actual sex with Rem’s brain…” Ezlo quite-nauseatedly whispered to Link, causing said boy to equally-nauseatedly nod his head and think “well, at least it presumably enjoyed having said sex” to himself in response to said information. Meanwhile, inside Rem’s brain, Link’s extremely-hastily reclothed-by-itself fairy immediately and intensely-blushingly deleted the incredibly literal “mind fuck” that it had just given to the man from the man’s memory bank(s) and then very-loudly and intensely-sweatingly wiped its forehead with its left arm and said “PHEW” in response to said memory deletion. Meanwhile, Rem very-lightheadedly shrugged his shoulders and continued to quite-understandably have absolutely no idea what was going on. 


“Now, I just need to make sure that Rem won’t be able to see me flying back out of his head…” Link’s fairy somewhat-nervously thought to itself as it immediately logged itself back out of Rem’s CNSC, flew back out of the man’s brain once again and then sprinkled its fairy dust into the man’s eyeballs once again so that the man wouldn’t be able to see it as it expelled itself from his body once again. “I really do love playing with Rem’s brain SO freaking much…” Link’s fairy droolingly-arousedly thought to itself as it flew back out of Rem’s head through his left nostril, enlarged itself back to its normal size and then immediately flew straight back out of Rem’s shoe store and into the bottle that Link (despite how intensely it had just disturbed and disgusted him) had extremely-reluctantly decided to continue keeping it in due to how useful of a pet it was.


“PERFECT…” Link devilishly-laughingly thought to himself while smugly grinning from ear to ear as he very-quickly stuffed his bottled fairy straight back into his Hammer Space and then equally-quickly walked straight back into Rem’s shoe store so that he would be able to purchase the man’s new Speed Boosters before anyone else did. Thankfully, Samus Aran was not aware of the existence of said shoes.


“Hello, sir; I want to purchase these new shoes of yours and therefore need to know how many Rupees you want me to give to you in order to do so.” Link surprisingly-politely told Rem while indicatively pointing at the man’s new Speed Boosters with his left index finger as he did so. “ZERO! Just go ahead and take them!” Rem threw his arms out beside himself and surprisingly-merrily laughed in response to said information, causing Link to immediately grab said shoes in response to said completely-impossible-to-refuse offer and then very-excitedly begin wearing them in order to find out exactly how powerful they actually were.


“WHEEEEEE!” Link yelled with excitement as he activated his new Speed Boosters and therefore quite-literally ran straight through the back wall of Rem’s shoe store, causing said wall to suddenly feature a rather large new hole as a result of how forcefully Link had just charged straight into it while also causing Rem to surprisingly-nonchalantly shake his head back and forth and think “seriously, what in the actual Hell is WRONG with kids these days?” to himself in response to said property damage as if he was too bored and depressed to even care about money anymore. After witnessing the QUITE-excessively manly and cool-looking way in which Link had just added a back door to his shoe store, however, Rem rather-quickly began to realize how painfully-extremely valuable the shoes that he had just given away for free actually were.


“Wait a minute...did I seriously just give an item that is THAT powerful to some random freaking kid for FREE? I really should think about how much money that boy SHOULD have given to me in order to purchase those boots…” Rem intensely-sweatingly and fearfully-shakingly thought to himself as he suddenly began to increasingly-intensely wonder what had been going on in his brain. As for what the worst financial mistake of his entire life was, however, he basically had just made said mistake.


“HYAAAGGGH!” Rem extremely-tightly clutched his intensely aching head using both of his hands and resoundingly screamed in abject horror as he suddenly realized that the shoes that he had just given to Link for free actually WERE, in fact, worth at LEAST 500 (if not 900) Rupees. Due to the fact that Link quite-literally had just stolen Rem’s first pair of Speed Boosters from him, said shoe maker then extremely-depressedly buried his face in the palms of his hands and began crying (causing “Rem’s little shoe makers” to equally-depressedly think “poor thing” to themselves in response as they stood on his shoe-making tabletop and looked at him) while the screen that this glorified slapstick cartoon episode was being displayed on finally began fading to black.


THE END     



 

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