Once upon a time, hundreds of years before global warming made it unsafe for children to be out walking forests and climbing beanstalks in the middle of the day, there was a 13 ½ year old boy named Jack. He was on the brink of adolescence, and lived alone in a house just outside the town. Jack had his eye on a wealthy young girl in the nearby town named Gretel.

Sadly, Gretel’s mother had remarried to a man who didn’t spend much time with the children, which left Gretel with lots of issues. Gretel was still dealing with her baggage at the time that Jack began asking her out. As Jack was poor like her stepfather, she wondered if Jack was just trying to stake an advanced claim on a future marriage for money, just as she thought her stepfather might have done. So she refused to date Jack until he could come up with some signs of independent wealth.

So, in desperation, Jack walked into the town with his last cow, and met the town inventor Wee Willie Tinkerer in the marketplace. He was peddling his various inventions. He had several fascinating items still available.

“Sir, I have only one cow,” said Jack.

“For that, most of my creations might be out of your price range, but I’ll trade you my Wonder Beans for your cow,” said Willie Tinkerer, “Do you have a farm?”

“Yes,” said Jack, “The soil’s good.”

“Then just plant your Wonder Beans and they’ll bring you good fortune,” said Willie.

Jack made the trade and carried the Beans in his pouch. Then he went to call on Gretel. The door was answered by her younger brother Hansel, who was more sympathetic to visitors. Hansel fetched Gretel to the door, where she saw that Jack had come to call on her.

“I have the means to make my fortune now,” said Jack, “If you would like to come on a picnic in the field beyond the woods outside the town tomorrow, I will show them to you.”

“I shall be there,” said Gretel, and she turned up the next day as promised, walking out of the town, through the woods and into the field, where Jack was already opening the picnic basket on the rug where he sat.

Gretel sat down to join him for ham and cucumber sandwiches and enjoyed her lunch for a while.

When they had finished eating, Jack put his arm around her, hoping to see where things would go.

“So, err … tell me how you came into such good fortune,” said Gretel.

“With these,” said Jack, and opened his pouch and poured the Wonder Beans into her hand, “These are Wonder Beans.”

“You’ve probably been conned by someone, if you think you’re going to get rich with beans!” said Gretel, throwing them into the field, “I don’t want to see you again until you’re filthy rich!”

Gretel got up and stormed away, leaving Jack in despair. He lay down on the rug in the noon day sun and dozed off to sleep.

Having been left at home with his big sister out on a picnic and his parents otherwise occupied, Hansel, being a boy of eight, decided to go for a walk in the woods, which were just near their house on the edge of town. He remembered his sister’s advice on ways to keep from getting lost in the woods.

“I don’t think I’ll waste time on any crumby ideas like that,” thought Hansel, and quickened his pace and walked deep into the woods, further than he’d gone before, until he came to a timber-wood cottage.

The front fence had been decorated with gingerbread biscuits and other tasty items. Hansel was feeling quite peckish and decided to indulge himself. He nibbled gingerbread for several minutes, before a woman in her fifties opened the front door of the cottage and came out. Even at the tender young age of eight, Hansel was as capable as this author was of noticing that there was something quite pretty about her. Her lips were only of medium depth, but her cheeks were round in a way that made Hansel keen to snuggle against them and give her a cuddle.

Hansel noticed something else about the woman. She was looking at him, frequently licking her lips, and the sight of her tongue’s movements were making a confusingly enervating impression on the boy.