The way the situation was going today, I hadn't even begun to think that I was depriving Rebecca of her independence and freedom to do things on her own. Now that I think back, I did a few things for her, in a way. Earlier, when we were getting things set up with the couch, I picked her up and put her up their, much to her own frustration. Then again when I interpreted and guessed what she was about to say, answering a question that she had yet to ask. While I was in the process of doing things, I didn't really think about what that was making her feel. I just like doing things for her, and the assumption thing sorta just came out.

Now she's off, getting back to the couch, so we can continue our race. Did she really just want to talk for that short amount of time? She definitely got her point out, when she told me she didn't want me to do everything for her. I guess what she really means is that she doesn't want me to help her with anything, unless she's in dire need of help. It makes sense, now that I think about it. She's always had a little attitude about her, and the drive to do things on her own, denying or resisting the help I am able to provide for her. Sometimes, she's been fine without it, and sometimes, she's gotten hurt because of it.

I suppose my main problem is my desires to help her. Both of these times, when I've helped her, I haven't been all that polite about it. I didn't ask if she needed help. I've just assumed things and done actions on instinct. I guess I feel that, since she's becoming a friend and the fact that we're both living in my house, I can do these things with her. Maybe that's not it, though. Maybe I'm just drawn to being close to her, for some reason or another. On some level, maybe I want to be closer to her and, by touching her and helping her with things, I can feel closer. That might be it.

As these ideas and theories flow through my brain, I start thinking about Melissa. She did things with Rebecca because she felt entitled to. She did things without Rebecca's permission, one thing that would likely scar the woman for the rest of her life. Slowly pushing myself up from the floor, I think on this. If I keep doing things on instinct and without asking her if she needs help, will I start acting like Melissa? Even if I don't, would Rebecca start to feel differently about me? Would she start seeing parts of Melissa in me, and not want to be around me as much because of it?

She stays in my mind as I stand behind the couch. I don't know what Melissa looks like. Her mental image is nothing but a faceless body, yet I know some things about her. Thanks to Rebecca, I know what she did to the poor woman. Since I know this information, I feel like I can almost know Melissa, and picture her in my head. The thought about Rebecca seeing parts of Melissa in me makes me slow down. My breathing starts to get longer and my vision blurs out. I focus on the thought, and I almost seem to become absorbed into it. I have feelings on this matter, and they're not peachy ones, either. My stomach starts to tingle on the inside from these thoughts.

It's a nervous feeling, an anxious one. Were Rebecca to start seeing Melissa in me, she might not only want less time around me, but she might want to leave. She went through so much bad stuff with Melissa, and I wouldn't blame her for wanting to leave. If I start to act like Melissa, and I were in Rebecca's shoes, I'd probably want to leave, too. It would be safer to leave, rather than to stay and risk that memory of rape repeating itself. The very thought of Rebecca leaving, though, makes me feel nervous. It's not something I want. It's something that I very much do not want to happen.

I'm not sure what the full reason is, but the more I think about Rebecca leaving, the stronger the tingling in my stomach starts to feel like some sort of gentle or light shock. My body is trying to tell me something, and I can already tell what it is. I don't want Rebecca to leave. My body is just showing it a lot more, right now, than my mental being is. Something is changing inside me, to be feeling all of this. Rebecca is just a visitor. She is a rather small visitor, and one I've shared a lot of time with, but she's just a person, right? When someone comes to visit me, like friends or family, I never feel like this when I think about them leaving.

This is different, though. I can't fully explain this, even to myself, but it feels like I can't have her leaving. My life is going through a lot of changes, lately, and I feel like she is the primary factor to all of those changes. She has become an important part of my life, a central part of it, even. We do a lot together, Rebecca and I, and my entire day-to-day schedule has changed. Sure, I still get my reports sent via email, but everything else is different now. It all has to do with her. Everything I do has to do with her. Having that factor suddenly gone, what would I do? Would I just go back to the way things were? Logically, I would say yes. This feeling, however, makes me want to say that it wouldn't be that simple.

I don't know what to call all of the feelings I have right now. It almost feels like I won't be able to go on with my day-to-day life, as it is, were she to leave. I have definitely grown attached to her, over the past couple months, but I never thought about how strongly that attachment has grown until now. I don't want her to leave. I desperately don't want her to leave, in fact. This is giving me a realization that I may be much fonder of her than I realized. Not wanting her to leave, feeling like I can't just go back to how things were, were she gone?

The thought was broken as reality came back, a voice coming to my head. “Trent? Hey, Trent! What are you standing around for? It looks like you're lost in la-la land or something!” The current situation reestablishes itself as I see Rebecca standing on the couch. She looks at me, her eyebrow raised. I must have looked strange, just standing there, my mind elsewhere. The thoughts of her leaving are pushed out. Right now, she's here, and that's all that matters to me. “Oh, sorry! I guess I got lost in thought.” Walking around the couch, I sit down, next to her, and we continue our race...