The guard turned away just enough to provide me a window to dash past, as he consistently had for the past three nights. I sprinted from the curtain wall to the palace, stopping myself against the hard stone. Not a single head turned in my direction thanks to the sound-dampening potion I had painted over all my equipment. It cost a pretty penny, but would be a drop in the bucket compared to my payment for this score.
My target was through an open window, fifty feet straight up. Scaling this wall would be too risky, so I reached into the potion bandolier concealed beneath my belt. I slipped out a small vial filled with a bright blue liquid and brought it to my mouth. Using my teeth I pulled the cork free, then spat it into my open hand before drinking it in a draught. This small dose of levitation potion would only last a minute, but that would be enough to get me inside.
When the potion was in my stomach I felt myself become weightless, and willed myself upward. I had never done this before, and did not fully trust that I could remain steady. Cautiously I placed my hands against the wall for stability and made sure they stayed in contact during the whole ascent. Any second if a guard so much as looked up they would spot me and I would have to abort my mission.
Fortunately, I reached the window without anyone noticing, and pulled myself in. My boots set down on the hard wood floor right when the potion wore off, and I could once again feel the weight of my body and the small amount of equipment I carried. I took a moment to get used to the feeling of gravity again before scoping out my surroundings.
I was surprised with how well-lit and empty the room was. A pair of torches flanked the door, spewing bright orange light, and behind me a stone glowed with the same color. Aside from that the only other object was a dark chest, richly decorated and engraved, with the imperial crest on top and a simple brass lock facing me. For the imperial treasure trove it was remarkably sparse, not to mention poorly secured.
Everything about this had been too easy, but I was not about to look a gift horse in the mouth. I crept toward the chest, slipping a set of picks from my belt as I did so. Slowly I knelt and regarded the lock. Absolutely plain. Sensing something was up, I pulled out a compact I had added to my kit years ago when I started getting jobs liberating items from wizard towers. With a quick dab I applied a fine layer of powder to the lock, revealing none of the arcane runes I expected. Years of being unopposed had made the Rhemari complacent, and it would cost them dearly.
Gingerly I slipped my picks into the keyhole and fiddled with the tumblers inside. There was nothing exceptional about the lock: I had a more secure one on my safehouse. In no time the tumblers lined up, and I slid the device open. I took a second to relish the moment. In mere seconds the Rhemari crown jewels would be in my bag, and I would be world-famous in the criminal underworld. The platinum and jewels in the tiara were worth a fortune even without the political significance associated with them, and I would have the wealth to accompany my fame.
With a great heave I tossed the lid open, ready to scoop up the treasures inside. A bright flash greeted me inside the chest and my ears were assaulted by a rush of eldritch syllables. Blindly I groped forward for the chest, but found nothing. Instead, my face landed on cold, hard wood with a light thud. Though undignified I decided this would be the best way to wait for my vision to return, and hopefully my hearing would clear by then too.
After several minutes I began to see dark and light shapes which quickly gave way to blurred reality. In front of me was an enormous wooden building with no apparent entrance, tinged orange by some light beside me. I looked up and saw a parapet wrapping around the whole structure, partially blocking my view of the overcast sky. This building was easily the size of the palace I had snuck into if not larger, and I wondered how they managed to conceal this so easily. The only explanation was that flash had teleported me somewhere as an ingenious defense mechanism.
I looked around to get my bearings, and suddenly another explanation seemed far more likely. My worn and discarded picks laid on the ground some distance away, large enough for me to sit on them as if they were benches. Clearly I had been shrunk instead of teleported. Judging by my picks this was no mere cantrip, either: the longest was about an inch, and I was half its length. At the very least, this would allow me to escape unnoticed.
The ground beneath me shook. Rhemar had no known seismic activity, and the night outside was dreadfully boring, leaving me perplexed as to what had caused it. Another quake, stronger this time, followed by a third, and I realized that they were footsteps. Someone was coming, even though this area was supposed to be empty at this hour. There must have been an alarm spell in there as well. Quickly I looked for somewhere to hide, but saw that the chest was flush with the floor, without enough space for even my shrunken body to squeeze under.
The door grumbled, and after another thud swung inward. In strode a terrifyingly large woman, her black boots clicking on the floor with each rumbling step. The leather boots ran up to her knees, leaving a little bit of her tanned thighs exposed before the purple, metal-studded tunic’s skirting, and a long train of purple embroidered fabric ran from her waist and trailed behind her steps. I could just make out the base of the imperial crest on her ample chest. A red braid flipped back and forth while she scanned the floor with her cold blue eyes. The empress herself.
I bolted toward the window, not wanting to be spotted by the titanic and no doubt furious empress. My focus was entirely on my goal, and I subconsciously hopped over the gaps between floorboards each time I came to one. I was so absorbed by my goal it was a shock when the world in front of me went dark and my ears were overwhelmed by a tremendous crash. The ground violently quaked and I pitched forward into hard leather.
A horrifying chuckle came from above. “And just where do you think you’re going?” the empress asked, her voice low like rumbling thunder. I managed to look up and saw her in a statuesque pose, arms crossed beneath her ample bosom. She fixed me with a smug look, her air of superiority never wavering. “We’d like to have a chat.”
In a flash she had stooped over and swung an arm down toward me. Her fingertips briefly scraped against the floor before slamming into me, pressing me against her boot. Quickly she scooped me up and laid her gigantic thumb across me, securing my tiny body in her grip. My organs turned while she stood back up, and I felt the extreme velocity of the ascent. When the ride stopped her hand was pointed upward, and she moved her thumb to release me. I slid down the length of her fingers while she leveled out her hand, causing me to come to a stop in the middle of her palm.
I surveyed what little I could of the world from the empress’s grip. The soft skin I stood on contrasted with the dark, calloused flesh I rolled over on the trip down her fingers. Behind me, her fingers remained poised, curling in toward me like an enormous cage of skin and bone. In front I saw the Empress’s monolithic face looming over me as I stared up from the smooth point of her chin, and realized the gigantic statue of her at the palace gates was a faithful rendition. Curiosity danced in her cold eyes while she looked me over, and I was sure she was regarding me too.
“First off, we want to thank you,” she began. This close I saw each movement and contour of her remarkably delicate and soft lips as it heralded the sonic assault of her explosive voice. “No one has ever been dumb enough to steal from us, so this was the first test of our trap. We’ll have to give the tiny wizard who engineered it our congratulations.” Her lips pulled back into a self-congratulatory, smug smile before she continued. “Before you ask, unlike the blindness this is quite permanent, so we’re sorry but your thieving days are over.”
She smacked her lips with a loud crack, flecking me with some spittle. “Now, as to the real reason we didn’t simply crush you earlier. Who is after our crown jewels?” The empress batted her long eyelashes at me in an attempt to melt my heart.
It did not work. “Lots of people,” I answered coyly. It was the truth: several groups had expressed interest, but only one had been able to cover my fees. She was not going to get anything from me if I could help it.
Her lips pulled back again in a fake smile. “We’re only going to ask you nicely one more time,” she said. “Who paid you to steal our crown jewels?”
I snorted. “Some guy. Wore a cool hat. I think he was your dad.”
The empress grinned mischievously. “We’re so glad you’ve decided to resist. There are interrogation techniques that only work on tiny people and it’s been so long since we’ve gotten to use them.” Her mouth opened wider and the hand holding me rushed forward like a catapult. It hit her mouth and launched me from her palm and between her teeth to land on her tongue. I bounced once before coming to a stop in the middle of the pink behemoth.
Her lips snap shut, leaving me in absolute darkness. The cavernous chamber of the empress’s mouth was moist all over, with her saliva already soaking my clothes, and unbearably hot. My skin burned from the saliva, making it even hotter, and I began to panic. I tried to push myself off the enormous tongue I was on, but it was too spongy and my hands simply pressed further into it. In desperation I tried pushing myself back, but had no more success.
Suddenly her tongue lifted up, slamming me into the roof of her mouth. Slowly she ran the tip back, deeper into her maw, rubbing me against her ridged palate. Each bump hit me several times, grinding into my bones from how hard she was pushing me against it. Instead of continuing to drag me onto the smooth plain to her uvula she reversed, putting me through the wringer again. It was like being thrown against a gigantic, slimy washboard.
When I was back at the front the rest of her tongue came up and pressed against the roof of her mouth. My head was caught between the two expanses of soft skin, and I found myself unable to breathe. Saliva rushed past me while she subtly worked her tongue back and forth, rubbing me raw while she sucked on me. I felt my torso being pulled away from my legs and grunted in pain, the only thing I was able to do without air. A sickening squelch came from behind me when her gullet opened.
Her tongue dropped, and a small window opened in her lips, allowing a tiny amount of light to stream through. A wet thud and a rush of air, and I was forced through the hole to land back into the empress’s palm along with a glob of saliva. I brushed the fluid from my nose and mouth and breathed in deeply, filling my burning lungs with air. It took a few seconds for my vision to clear, and when it did I saw that smug smile filling my view.
“We hope that jogged your memory,” the empress boomed, making my tender ribs quiver. “So, who paid you to do this?”
I coughed, spitting up some saliva whose owner I was unsure of. I looked at that tremendous mouth, pursed to take me in again, and my defiant streak flared up. “What’s it matter, anyway?” I shouted. “It’s just a couple pieces of tin, you should be thanking me for taking it!”
Without saying anything this time her lips parted, revealing the stark white teeth behind them. Her hand shot up, slapping against her mouth and tossing me inside again. I hit her tongue mid-arc, then it swung down and slammed me into her frenulum. Scrambling, I tried to get away, but the weight of her tongue was too great, and I remained trapped beneath its tip.
Slowly the empress’s tongue dragged me backward, pushing me deeper into the soft, pulsating skin. I tried to fight, but my limbs only pressed harmlessly into the delicate flesh around me. Thrashing only drove me deeper while her tongue pressed on me with all its weight, and I realized there was no air in the tiny pocket beneath her tongue. With renewed ferocity I fought to get free, but found that I was no match for the empress’s mighty tongue.
She lifted her tongue, allowing a rush of hot air before digging her tongue into the pliable skin before me. The tip flicked up, tossing me into the hard bone of her incisors. I rolled along her palate until coming back down onto her waiting tongue. Exhausted, I simply lay there, waiting for the next oral assault form the empress.
To my surprise light poured in again as she parted her lips, and the gigantic tentacle I was on stiffened and pushed forward. On the way out I saw the gaping maw behind me, saliva dripping from her palate like stalactites, and the enormous teeth that could tear me asunder. By the time I was passing between her pink, delicate lips I was shaking at the thought of being put in there again.
Before I could rejoice at the majesty of being outside once more, the empress’s digits set upon me. In an instant I was plucked up between her thumb and forefinger and lifted off her tongue. She held me between her eyes and looked me over carefully, no doubt noting my panic. My eyes kept flashing to the pit below, concealed behind a pair of seductive lips where I had almost met my demise twice.
“Now that you and our tongue are intimately familiar,” she began, her voice powerful enough to knock me over if she had not been holding me, “we’d like to get to know yours. Who paid you to steal the symbols of our rule?”
I wanted to spit into one of her eyes but did not think I had the range. The question hung in the air while I thought of some other way to brush it off. Briefly the empress rolled her eyes, then began tilting her head back. Her monumental face fell out of view until I was even with the tip of her nose. Below me her full lips churned back and forth, as though trying to get comfortable. The tip of her monstrous tongue peeked out and ran across each lip, leaving behind a thin film of saliva before retreating.
“If we have to ask again you’re going to find out all sorts of things we can do with our tongue,” the empress purred, her breath drifting up to me in a cloud of hot air.
Any resistance I had melted away. “It was the king of Rosimar!” I blurted. “He paid me half a mil up front, and promised another mil when I delivered! Just please don’t pop me in your mouth again!” I hoped my pleading would sway her; my life was entirely in her hands.
“Rosimar?” the empress repeated, buffeting me with her breath again. I furiously nodded while dangling over her mouth. “Interesting. They’ve been our allies as long as anyone can remember, maybe it’s time to break that.” She grinned, and I breathed a sigh of relief.
“You’ve done us a good turn, thief. We’re glad you’ll die an honest morsel.” Before I could protest the fingers holding me opened, dropping me toward her mouth. Her lips parted, and whatever words I had turned into a scream as I plummeted between her lips. I landed hard on her tongue and rolled back until I came to rest on a hard ring of tissue. The light died as her lips closed again, and saliva rushed in to pool around me.
The ring below me opened and I slipped into a solid wall of muscle along with the saliva. In a rush the empress’s throat muscles conveyed me down her throat while I struggled futilely to get out. At the base of the esophagus I dropped into a wide open, sweltering chamber with a pool of acid in the bottom. I screamed upon contact – the burning here was much worse than in her mouth. A few seconds later I was unable to scream at all and passed out, never to wake again as the empress digested me.
Empress Fulda felt the thief thrashing in her throat and stomach, reveling in the feeling. His abject terror as he was inexorably sent to his fate was only rivaled by the pleasure she felt as his pathetic struggles died. She took a moment to savor the taste and feeling before striding back to her chambers. She had a war against Rosimar to plan, and she had a feeling they would absolutely crush their enemies.