Reviewer: Frizzle Signed [Report This]
Date: September 03 2018 9:23 PM Title: New Owner

Alright so you've got some potential as a writer and there isn't a whole lot of feedback being given so I'm going to give you some pointers!

First off, you switched from third to first person and back a few times. Here's an example... "Though now I had to come back to reality as he heard Beth knock loudly on a door."

"He" Should have been replaced with "I" to maintain a single perspective, otherwise you'll just confuse the reader. It's a habit I had a long time ago when I first started, so you'll have to proactively look out for those kinds of mistakes.

 

Next, you have several spelling errors. What program do you use to write? Microsoft word or google docs are the recommended because they have spell check, which you should regularly use while proof reading your stories to fix all errors which can lose the immersion of the reader.

 

Finally theres a plothole in your chapter here. Jack says he hates Beth as Beth convinces Kayla that he simply LOVES to be used as a sex toy, which I assume is intended to be a reason that Jack is unable to be free of this cycle of being passed around... However you also make it quite clear that Jack is fully capable of speaking on his own behalf, so why wouldn't he just tell Kayla the truth? It's a pretty steep plothole and you gotta look out for that kind of stuff.

 

You have a solid writing style however and you seem to have a fresh pot of story ideas and that means you've got potential to do some seriously solid writing! Just work on the above points I've made and you'll write some very notable pieces on this site for sure!

 

If you ever want me to help you proof read any of your chapters before posting just email me at giantess9669@gmail.com and I'd be more than glad to help you out on my free time :D

 

Good chapter! Now I'll read the second :D

Author's Response:

Yeah I keep subconsciously switching to third person, I usually catch it but I guess some slip through. I've never done a first person story so it just happens. 

As for the plot hole, the explanation in my mind is that none of his other captors have listened to him and at this point he's basically void of trying to rationalize. I probably should've mentioned it at some point but I'm saving on fleshing out his backstory for later chapters. 

Thanks for the review though! My main goal is to improve and any feedback helps.