Date: April 14 2025 11:03 PM Title: Chapter 1 The Morning After
I really liked it so far. I liked that Morgan seems like he genuinely cares and the girls themselves also seem to actually like him and have their own personalities. You set up some good intrigue too And I liked the book-ending with Amber and her situation. It sounds like the girls have all been giving him blowjobs and maybe not much else. Which, if true, makes me wonder if the effect from doing something uhhh, different, will be different too. Or more extreme.There were a few parts where dialogue could’ve been structured better in my opinion, one I wanted to focus in on since it works as a good example:
She took a deep breath, which was bad news his fears confirmed, he felt his stress soar to new heights.
“Look I just came here to say I'm sorry for running off the other night” Codi began.
“You know how the show biz is, no warning no nothing all of a sudden I have to be somewhere else and…”
She looked at the leftover water at the bottom of the cup, swirling it around.
She looked up at Morgan.
“Can I have some more?”
She gave him a brief awkward smile.
“In any case ummm… the family situation I told you about it's… escalated and, well let's just say my mom isn't leaving the hospital any time soon so…”
“You had to go see her, I understand”
“I really like you” it flew out of her, yet doubling down Codi continued as Morgan poured her more water.
“Not just your huge cock and the growth spurts from… you know, I actually really like you! Idk if I see you as a longtime friend or something more.
But I definitely want you in my life”
Morgan nodded slowly as he gave her the cup back.
Some of this might be the site's jankiness not putting in paragraph braeaks where you wanted them, so it all looks like one giant block, But generally speaking, dialogue and its bridging descriptions should be in a single paragraph if it’s all the same speaker and not have every new piece be on a new line and thus new paagraph. Unless the paragraph starts gettng way too huge, say, anything beyond 7 sentences. Then it makes sense to create a new paragraph to split based on concept, scene, or something else. That’s where it gets a little more artsy.
Likewise, if a new person speaks, their dialogue and/or lead up thereof should be on a new paragraph. This helps readers keep track of who’s speaking and what the focus is.
One way to restructure this snippet for clarity would be this:
She took a deep breath, which was bad news his fears confirmed, he felt his stress soar to new heights. “Look I just came here to say I'm sorry for running off the other night” Codi began. “You know how the show biz is, no warning no nothing all of a sudden I have to be somewhere else and…” She looked at the leftover water at the bottom of the cup, swirling it around.
She looked up at Morgan. “Can I have some more?” She gave him a brief awkward smile. “In any case ummm… the family situation I told you about it's… escalated and, well let's just say my mom isn't leaving the hospital any time soon so…”
“You had to go see her, I understand”
“I really like you” it flew out of her, yet doubling down Codi continued as Morgan poured her more water. “Not just your huge cock and the growth spurts from… you know, I actually really like you! Idk if I see you as a longtime friend or something more. But I definitely want you in my life”
Morgan nodded slowly as he gave her the cup back.
It’s not the only way, depending on what effect you want for the reader you might cut it differently, maybe adding or removing description to enhance that effect. The site's occasionally janky formatting doesn't help for sure, but that's the general rule for clarity. Oh and this section:
"[...] I actually really like you! Idk if I see you as a longtime friend or something more.
But I definitely want you in my life”
You should always write out full words unless it's something like a text message or similar, or done for effect in a story. Which this doesn’t seem to be as far as I can tell. Any spelling errors or structural things like this seemed to all be in the first third of the chapter so maybe this is all because of the deadline you’d put yourself under to get this out, rather than anything else.
Overall I really liked it and look forward to seeing more, I'm leaving this review unrated since you said you'd probably be editing this anyways. So I'll rate it after you've touched it up to your liking. Hopefully my review was helpful.