Date: September 25 2014 8:06 AM Title: Lisa
Twentythirty, I really enjoyed this story, and I have to echo what Takomaru said: I at times forgot that I was reading a story and not actually in it. The first-person style that you employed is very cool and I think you executed brilliantly. I particularly enjoyed all the starts and stops of the protagonist's thoughts. I also really enjoyed the ending line, as well as the parallelism you set up between the beginning and the end.
As for constructive criticism, honestly I don't have much. I think some of the descriptions and language could be better, but on the other hand this story is written from the perspective of a kid, and the diction you used was likely intentional given the narrator. Perhaps you could engage our other senses a bit more. You did mention that the smell inside of the flat was "rancid," but perhaps there could be more of such descriptions, including how hot and humid it was in there and how the narrator speculated that the flat had been worn for quite some time or whatever.
Either way, the story was fantastic overall. It was extremely immersive, and I had a great time reading it. Looking forward to more!
Date: September 23 2014 12:59 PM Title: Lisa
I really enjoyed this story! It felt extremely real from beginning to end! To be totally truthful, at one point I forgot that I was reading a story and not actually in it. Partially because I had similar experiences as this student when I was in school. Bravo! I hope to see more.