Reviewer: J - Vader Signed [Report This]
Date: September 12 2023 4:41 AM Title: Chapter 9. Reunion.

Hey me again I wanted to offer some feedback for the story added with some ideas for future chapters and plot development for this incredible story you have.

Pure Fetish 

Okay right off the bat I’ll just say the pure fetish and fan service chapter have been amazing the way you describe them has been amazing rather it is about Feet, Boobs, butts, and ect they all have been great. I’ll say it would be nice to get a chapter that focuses on odor and farts again like in “Lisa’s Victims” (which I hope we get a sequel or another like that again by the way) but that is just my personal favorite fetish type (Ordor - Burps/Farts, Butts, and tomboyish stuff) Regardless you've been doing great there. 

If I had to rank what been your best fetish descriptions so far in the story not say you need to focus on this more than others but what has worked the most description-wise. 

1 - Butt/Ass

2 - Feet

3 - Breast

4 - vore/mouth play 

5 - Entrapment 

Some fetishes I think would be fun additions to the story You don’t have to add them of course but just a suggestion or ideas to further Appeal to other fetishes 

• Unaware 

• BBW

• Nose

• Burps

• Scat

Okay Now that we got that out the way I’ll get to more story based feedback

The Good

Relationship - So far the relationship between Leon and Ana has been so good to borderline perfect the care, trust and love they have for each other has felt so natural and almost realistic excluding the part where there no giants in real life and people don’t get married Immediately when they first meet but still very good. Hell, I’ll even say Emily and John’s relationship has been good and they have barely been in the story lol. Overall this is by far my favorite part of the whole story.

Politics/Strategies - The explanation of the politics, laws, and how things are run in each country of been so good they feel so real and really flow with the story so far and you have shown the consequences of each choice and decision characters make so well and added well to the tension keeping me on edge. The battle strategies have also been a major highlight too they feel so well thought out.

Mortality/Moral conflicts  - The way you describe how the wars and Battle are not black and white and that there is a grey area for all the conflict in the story have been by far the best aspect of this story. How Ana is forced to kill to show the strength of her leadership and what she will do to protect her kingdom and its people and how Leon thinks about what happens after the war is hopefully won and what will happen next has been very thought-provoking and super throughout.

The Mix 

The Main Antagonists/ Villains - I’m going to be honest the main threat of Marvialasia has been a lack of better terms alright. The motivations have been pretty good if I’m being honest I’m just not really feeling the threat that they're supposed to present. I understand Vascar was more of a miner threat or just a pawn in the Marvialasia’s plans so that’s okay but I just feel like we need more from Marvialasia. I also don’t feel like I understand what they plan to do to attack Ranate (was it a using a deadly curse on them?) If you haven’t explained the plan yet then that's fine I’ll wait If you did explain their plan in a chapter could you explain it or summarize it? Then I understand the Prince hasn’t been introduced yet as a character fully but he really needs to bring it as an antagonist. Also, why is he called the prince if he is the sole ruler of Marvialasia Should he be the king unless his father or mother, or both are still alive?

The Bad

The Creators/animals/beast - This is more of Nitpick I feel like the craters haven’t been utilities that well I feel like they should have a present in a magical world. The dragons, Fairies, or other beasts that have yet to be introduced should have a presence kind like the dragons in How to Train Your Dragon or other fantasy-based movies or shows that show how Majestic, Beautiful, and mind-blowing/unbelievable the fantasy world and it’s creatures are. But again that is just a nitpick Honestly you don’t have to change that aspect of the story.

But that mine Good, Mix, and Bad for the story aspect I hope this feedback is helpful.

Here are some ideas/suggestions that could improve the story a bit help with certain aspects of the story and bring it up a level.

Ideas and Suggestions

1 - I think when you introduce the prince of Marvialasia it should show how truly cruel he is but also show he is smart, cunning, Manipulative, and unpredictable for our main characters to show that he is willing to win at any cost. Also maybe shows he is a great fighter and maybe loves combat testing his strength but shows rage knowing he could never defeat a giant single-handedly. Probably would be good to show he well knowledge and is a powerful mana/magic user as well.

2 - Another aspect you could do for the Prince shows his upbringing either he had a cruel father training him and abusing him and maybe his mother or he was always told he was a Disappointment by his no matter how hard he tried parents to show how his past shaped him to be this way and rule his kingdom with an iron fist or maybe his was born to be cruel and evil regardless of his childhood and past.

3 - Another cool idea you could do is that during his thirst for power and his intentions to destroy all of Ranate and its people he seeks Dark, unnatural, forbidden ways that no human or non-human has dared to seek. For example - for years he has tried to find more ways to crush the giantess of Ranate and finds ancient text that speaks of a Dark and demonic powers cable of granting the power and strength to spilled Mountains called (Dark magic or Dark Mana or something like that) that was sealed away. Although granted great power it also Corrupts the mind, soul, and body into demon-like monsters. He sees this as a way to bring victory not only to his kingdom but to mankind across the world and rule it like a god. Finding this power he merges with it and is able to control it making his eyes glow and his skin turn pure black with horns sticking out his head. He then gives this power to his strongest soldiers/generals and sends them to Ranate borders to test their newfound power. I think this or something similar would massively help bring the threat of the prince and Marvialasia to a whole new level and make the audience feel the threat truly.

 

4 - Another way to bring some more tension or more motivation for Leon to stop and end the war is maybe to show a former friend and/or lover for Leon before he meets Ana. She was a childhood friend who was kind to him and had feelings for him to the point where she wanted to marry him. Then she joins him and his former rebellion against Vascar Throne but on a mission that goes wrong, Leon believes she died sacrificing herself for him, and others living with him believe she died. When actually she was captured and sold off to Marvialasia and after weeks in a cage he was picked by the prince to be her sex slave becoming his favorite toy for months. When Leon gets words of this his anger and rage for the Prince increase making it personal and maybe causing some drama between Leon and Ana but not too much it ruins their marriage.

5 - Following the previous idea after Leon, Ana, Ranate, and other alliance armies defeat Marvialasia and the prince Leon is too late to save his former friend and lover from before he becomes king of Ranate but also find out why she was still alive with the prince. She had his child a baby boy and a future heir to the kingdom of Marvialasia by blood right. While she dies in Leon's arms she makes him promise to take care of her child and raise him to be a better man and person than his father. Leon agrees and promises to raise him as his own and she finally passes away. I think this would be an amazing twist that puts Leon in a tough situation of how to raise and learn to love a child of your worst enemy but also the child of her former lover and friend that also include Ana. It would also be a fun idea for a sequel or spin-off story in this world.

Just some ideas that don’t require a paragraph to explain and me just spitballing some ideas

1 - More Humans with unnatural or superhuman strength. 

2 - Introduce Giant Hunter people who train and breed to hunt and kill Giants with no issues knowing their weaknesses and weak points and equipped with tools and weapons to kill them with ease. Kinda like Attack on Titan.

3 - Showing more of Leon in leadership roles showing he can lead both humans and nonhumans like Ana.

4 - I think It would be good for Leon to have a moment where he gives an Encouraging speech to his fellow humans of Vascar/ and former soldiers of Marvialasia showing he is good at Uniting people and giving them hope as a hidden skill or something like that.

5 - Have Leon form a fellowship of humans and no humans alike kind like lord of the Rings.

I hope this feedback and some of these ideas and suggestions were helpful and gave you some inspiration for future chapters and spin-offs set in this world of course. So thanks for reading and or responding and good luck for your future chapters and stories I know they’ll be great.

Author's Response:

Thanks so much for the feedback! 

I know I say it quite a bit every couple of chapters but really feedback helps a lot, and I do enjoy reading it. So just for taking the time to write a lengthy bit of feedback I have to thank you. 

To start off with, the good. These 3 areas are roughly the parts I’ve focused on the most for this story. So I’m glad to hear you’ve enjoyed them. Namely the politics. I will admit that I think I could have done the relationship a bit better still. However, the politics and moral conflicts were really the main appeal of this arc of the story. 

Now for the mix. The antagonist figure. I actually think you’ve given a generous rating of this as a “in the mixed” category. I personally don’t think I’ve done that much for them yet, and yes while there is room to expand on them, I didn’t actually begin this story in mind with an extreme amount of detail planned surrounding the Prince. A lot of this comes from inexperience as a writer, I hadn’t thought of ways to actually go about this. So, the reality is that the antagonist for this arc may really end up being lacklustre following the story plan I’m going off of.  However, that being said, it has come to my attention that I should write more for the Prince and about their upbringing and how this all came to be on their side. They are however not technically the sole antagonist figure for the arc, as people that oppose Ana’s rule such as Lisa for example can also be apart of this conflict. I’m hoping to expand on these aspects a bit, but I am aware that they may come across a bit lacklustre.

Now for the bad. Utilisation of the more fantasy elements of the story like magical beasts. The biggest reason I’ve avoided them here is really because they didn’t fit in to the current narrative of the story. Or this current arc I should say. That isn’t to say the story will definitely go way beyond this arc, but for the Marvialasian conflict I didn’t see much place to add them in. 

Some clarifications, the plans on how Marvialasia was planning to attack hasn’t been properly revealed yet. The Prince is also a Prince rather than a king or queen simply due to how his principality style country works, where the person in charge is given the position of a prince or princess. Which is different to how Ranate operates at this point in the story where their highest position is Queen. You can roughy extrapolate the influence and power or a country with this, where emperor and empress mean well off country, and Prince and Princess can mean from a smaller or less established country. 

As for the suggestions. I like the idea of point 1 and 2, but I don’t think Leon is at the stage to be doing point 3,4 and 5 just yet. To expand on point 2, it’d have to be somehow related to magic and magecraft. 

As for the praise surrounding the fetish content itself. Thanks a lot! I really like how the butt crush scenes turned out, personally though I’m not a fan of foot stuff so I’m glad people still enjoyed it. I’ve been working on another side story to try and appeal to other niches of the fetish too, though it isn’t close to being done. Once again, I really appreciate the feedback. Sorry if i couldn’t respond to everything, but I will definitely consider some of this stuff going into writing.