Reviewer: breastclimber Signed [Report This]
Date: April 12 2024 6:22 PM Title: Chapter 6 - Land of the Colossus

I think that putting in more physical descriptions of things would be nice.   For example at the end when the soldier of the queen enters at the end, there is no description of her appearance.   No description of what Jonas saw as she stepped on him.  No feelings of how Jonas felt as she intimidated him with her foot, or how he felt after she made her statement.  Putting in more thoughts of the protagonist helps the reader empathize more with the main character, and draws a connection.   That way the stakes of the main character's success become more important to the reader.

I like the plot so far, which is why I'm trying to help!

Author's Response: I understand. I'm being helped by a great writer who also said that my biggest problem is being too direct when describing certain details. Anyway, I will try to improve this aspect in the next chapters. After all, you need to write a floop to be able to write a hit. Anyway, thanks for your feedback :D