Date: January 31 2014 6:34 PM Title: Miss Silva
Much Better! The spacing isn't so hard on my eye's, and it's much easier to follow.
Is English your regular language, or second? Some sentences are slightly broken, but not, too bad...
Ex:(You wrote) Ben walked in and decided to sit in the back wanting to watch her. As soon as he sat down he heard Ms Silva speak to him.
___Try it like this...
Ben walked directly to the back of the class, he wanted to be able to watch this pretty teacher without anyone else noticing. As soon as he was comfortably seated, he heard her tantilizing voice, as she directly asked him his name.
"Excuse me, what is your name?", she asked.
"Um, my name is... Ben", he whispered.
"Ben, I want you sitting up here!", she firmly spoke, pointing out one of the desks at the very front of the row and directly in front of her desk.
- Just smooth it out a little more, and keep each person speaking on a seperate line, all of their own...
* I really liked the way that she took a seat on the edge of his desk, and pointed out her hips! NICE! I'd be in detention all the time! Ha!
Keep going Tom, I'd like to see more, before I actually rate, but your getting alot better!
Author's Response: Thanks, I will hopefully get better as a writer. Thanks for the tips. You made my sentences look much better with your example. Technically, yes, English is my 2nd language since my parents used to talk around the house in a foreign language which I grew accustomed to until pre-school. My main language is English, but I kinda started late I guess. This is my first story on any website, book, or anthing. Right now im kind of focused on content. Once again, thanks. I appreciated the review.