[Report This]Date: October 12 2015 12:34 PM Title: Chapter 1
I just read chapter 1, and sampled some of the last chapter. It's clear you've put an incredible amount of work into this story, and so far the plot elements are quite intriguing. However, the prose is a bit hard to read in its current state.
I'm going to provide some constructive criticism, which I hope you find useful. You clearly have no trouble writing prose, what the story needs is a ton of editing. Make more passes yourself, or find someone who can help you edit your stories (I volunteer, newmark42 at gmail.com). Besides fixing grammatical mistakes, here are some other improvements which I think could make this or future stories much easier to read:
Avoid repeating the same word or phrase too frequently. As just one example, in chapter 1 you use the word "forest" far too much. At one point, you use it six times in two paragraphs. The reader knows they are in the forest. Usually these types of repitions can be completely removed by phrasing differently.
Avoid jumping around with short micro-chapters, or micro-POV changes. They hurt reader flow and make it hard to follow what is happening, and more importantly, *why* it is happening.
Less is more. If the words or events are not essential to advance the story or characters in the eyes of the *reader*, considering cutting them or having them occur "off-screen". Much like the word-repitition, there is soo much concept repitition in the eyes of the reader. For example, when Maria smells Joseph, you tell us she's memorizing his scent, then a moment later she tells Joseph in dialog that she was memorizing his scent. We only needed one of these. This kind of duplication adds up and hurts flow. Reading a 750k word epic is awesome, but reading a 200k word story in 750k words is laborious.
[Report This]Date: June 11 2014 3:25 PM Title: Chapter 1
Okay took me a couple weeks but I finally read it all! A good story through and through, and I could definitely see some evolution and changes in your writing style as it went on.
Too much content to really comment on but I will say I hope you do write an epilogue of sorts as I felt the end was a bit abrupt. While most of the major issues were resolved or in the process of being resolved perhaps a look in once Joseph’s project was finished would be nice.
Author's Response:
Thanks for the review I'm glad you enjoyed it enough to finish reading considering the length of the story. An epilogue is possible but not likely for the moment. I have other concepts I want to write on a bit more. Besides I spent few years on hunger so I'm a bit fatigued of that setting.
Date: May 22 2014 5:49 PM Title: Chapter 1
I don't know dude, this story is REALLY good but I think youd get more people interested if you paced the updates instead of uploading in large chunks. The only reason I even read this when I saw the word count was because it was YOU writting it, and I've been a big fan. Otherwise I would have seen the word count and been like "yeah, I don't got time to read all that..."
I just think most people on this site, myself included, get REALLY intimidated when we see 300,000 plus words. If you paced the updates, like say: a chapter a day or something I think people would be more inclined to read it, and even give you feedback on a per-chapter basis.
This story deserves the attention, but I'm not sure your gonna get it by updating in large, intimidating chunks like this. Of course that depends on whether or not you care about that kind of thing. It shouldn't be that way but these are just things I've noticed from being on this site for a long time.
Author's Response:
You're probably correct but I get the bulk of my feed back from my deviantart account. This story has been finished for several months now actually and I only just recently began to post it here. I wasn't sure if I should due to the very slow rate at which Maria grows. Plus this story does delve a bit into my interest in super fems.
With most of the stories I posted here I had to wait quite a while for feed back so I became use to it. Plus I feel like a bit of a jerk when I keep one of my stories on the front page by posting slowly. Posting several stories feels pretty awkward as well. Feels like I'm taking up too much advertisement.
[Report This]Date: May 22 2014 5:09 PM Title: Chapter 1
Really solid story. Ive gotten as far as chapter6 and its quite the read! Youve created an entire culture to the beast women thats really well thought out and I enjoy discovering almost as much as I like the story itself. My only complaint is when the story switches perspectives...a line or a double space would have been appreachiated. Ill give more feedback as I continue reading!
Author's Response:
Thanks. It's nice knowing that people are enjoying the story. I hope to get more of it posted tomorrow. The story itself is actually finished. I can't remember what chapter it's in but I believe later in the story I begin seperating different locations with a line of *. My writing style changed a bit while I was working on this story and recieving feed back.
Date: May 22 2014 9:05 AM Title: Chapter 1
Chapter 2 could really use some formatting. It's just a giant wall of text and is really hard to read.
Author's Response:
Thanks for letting me know. I hate it when that happens. Several chapters were messed up for some reason which is odd as they all came from the same document.