Reviewer: Stubbornstain Signed [Report This]
Date: August 19 2015 6:53 AM Title: Chapter 1: The Dream

Interesting. According to your profile your name is Tom too. Hi Tom!

You claim men and women have different cognitive abilities and speak differently, but I don't think this was emphasized enough in this chapter. Tom has been using, and can understand, some advanced words. Second, the dream I think is too detailed to be a dream I think. Surely Tom cannot remember all that, especially with his limited mental capabilities.

I thought we were going to be introduced to this daughter. It's nice that you've sort of set the scene I suppose though. However, I feel as though there would probably be a more efficient way of doing it. You seem to have dumped most of Tom's life story on us without really telling us all that much about the world around him. However, there is just enough so that I may infer. What you've provided us with is decent.

Here:

As if in a dream, he felt his hand reaching up to hers,

Did you forgot that Tom was already supposed to be dreaming? He is in a dream according to this line:

That night, he dreamed about painful memories he had tried to bury long ago.

And I don't understand what all this tongue stuff is about. Is it simply so a man can pleasure a woman without getting their penis out? I assume the evolution is different in this world and that would play a part in proceedings. Your writing skills are good though. There were just a few minor things I had trouble with.