[Report This]Date: July 19 2016 10:55 PM Title: Miami Ultras
So I quickly gave this story a read. Here are my thoughts:
The flashback chapter, chapter 5 was it? That could have been handled better. The transition from the current timeline to the flashback and back was barely noticeable. I was reading and then all of a sudden I was like, "Wait what? How did we get here from the past chapter? And then after some backreading I realized it was a flashback." I suppose the little summary said: How I met Jade, but it was still not very obvious imo.
So far Jade seems like an uninteresting character. And the main character feels more like a camera than a character. Jade just doesn't get any response from me, whether good or bad. She just feels 'meh'. Not sure why that is. So far all we've seen of her displays the bare minimum of character if that makes any sense. She just plays a role. The role of antagonist, but doesn't really offer much in terms of character.
The MC, have we even got a name for her yet, not sure? So far she also has basically no personality of her own other than reacting to the world around her and being the readers eyes in this story. I think this escape stuff might be a good chance to give her some character if handled right...
These are just my observations/suggestions so far. I will say your descriptions are really effective and create pictures in my mind easily. Description is definitely your strong suit as a writer, so keep that up! Just flesh the characters out a bit more, maybe introduce some new characters that are a real part of the story (know about the shrunken stuff or are shrunken) and not just background. So far the only 2 "real" actors in this story are the Main Character and Jade. Some other regularly occuring characters to interact with would also help with fleshing out you're current characters.
Hope this helps and keep it up!
Author's Response: Thank You for this long review. I understand Your complaints addressing the protagonist's lack of a personality, I didn't give her one so the reader was capable of inserting themselves into the story more easily. I think that how I am handling Jade is within my vision, she is supposed to be distant and hard to understand, do You know what I am trying to say? I think boty characters show a lot of personality in chapter two, however. The next chapter will certainly flesh out the protagonist more, and another character will be introduced in chapter nine, and another in chapter ten. I hope you enjoy that. Thank You.