[Report This]Date: March 12 2017 10:06 AM Title: DONT CUM 2 HOUSTON
I want to address what I've read so far. I do like this story, in general.
Specifically, I like how you focus on the real and gritty nature shrinking stories can have. You do a good job making everything seem alien and dangerous from the main character's perspective.
I typically ignore those things, because it makes it easier for me to write my stories, so good on you for focusing on those aspects.
One thing I'm not as sold on is the story's pacing, or maybe how it flows from chapter to chapter. Sometimes, I find it a bit hard to follow the events of the story, and it sometimes feels almost episodic.
For example, I felt like there was something missing between the end of Chapter 3 and the beginning of Chapter 4. I just couldn't figure out how those events connected.
Also, was Chapter 2 a flashback? I assumed so but I wasn't too sure. Another thing about Chapter 2 was that it got a bit confusing to figure out which person was speaking. Maybe placing identifiers in front of each line of dialog could help readers understand which person was talking throughout the chapter? It wouldn't look all that nice, but it would be effective.
And I'm not certain on how the relationship between Jade and the girl is supposed to work, because they don't really act like you'd expect best friends to act. I don't know if that will be expanded upon later on, since I'm stopping part way to leave my thoughts. I guess you'll explain some of the other plot elements before the story ends, like how or why the girl shrunk, since this is a finished work.
Also, did you specify their ages or anything? I don't know if I missed it as I read, so I'm just going off of the tag.
I'll try and finish reading the story eventually, and hopefully give you a clearer and more finalized review.
Author's Response: Hi. I understand your criticism with the pacing, I regret some of it as well. In specific, I wish that I had not even included chapters 1 and 3. I had a major change in direction on where I wanted the story to go after I started chapter4. I feel that after that it's fine for me. The chapters were intended to be episodic as well, with small sections between each instead of each continuing from where the other left off. Some insight into these areas is given later in the story. Let's just say that between chapters 3 and 4, Jade wasn't happy with the girl's reaction and chapter 4 is a sort of punishment. Chapter 2 is a flashback, it's the last conversation Jade and the girl had before the girl woke up shrunken. There are indeed more revelations with the plot and the relationship between Jade and the girl. So maybe wait until chapter 10 to fully comment on it. All characters in the story are in the ballpark of 18 to 19. Thanks for reading.
[Report This]Date: July 22 2016 8:56 AM Title: DONT CUM 2 HOUSTON
Hear are my thoughts through the first 8 chapters.
First, this is a slow roller, sort of like a freight train when it goes from a stand still to moving. It did pique my curiosity early. Some of the other reviewers have commented on the somewhat abstract interaction and personality aspects of the story, but I think you actually really make it work.
I am curious why you changed to a 2nd person point of view in chapter 7, then returned to 1st person in chapter 8.
I enjoyed 7 and 8 the most: very descriptive and evokes some reader empathy. This goes back to the freight train analogy: once it gets rolling it's going fast and heavy.
Now that I am all caught up I'll continue to read as you update.
Date: July 21 2016 6:34 AM Title: DONT CUM 2 HOUSTON
Jade's little trick at the end shows that, on some level, she still thinks of her captive as a person (or something that used to be a person and still retains person-like traits that can be exploited). Jade must therefore have some internal justification for why she can treat a (former) friend like a plaything. Looking forward to learning what that justification might be.