Reviewer: Zaximus Signed [Report This]
Date: October 28 2020 5:07 AM Title: Intermission the Second

God I fucking LOVE this story!!! THAT. ENDING. I just....the pace of the this chapter was quite interesting considering it seemed pretty removed from our normal setting at first glance and of course the subject matter therein but that twist? I didn’t see that coming, holy shit I’m still reeling from it. I think I scared my co-worker when I read it! XD 

I will admit to a little confusion. At the end I couldn’t exactly tell if Aelia had actually died as you use the words “might have died” in the last paragraph and I’m not sure if Volkhard was Adelhard (the last part of the name suggests yes) or was merely pretending to be him. Or maybe this was a flashback of his past he was having in the present. Like I said, it wasn’t exactly clear to me specifically but the simple fact that this seemed to be his backstory was enough to send my mind rocketing and I love it! 

Also I noticed you said you were looking for ways to make interactions between Teagan and her Tomkin victims refreshing. Might I suggest more descriptions of the events as well as more of their interactions from the Tomkins perspective? Seeing what they see, feeling what they feel as they watch Teagan descend upon them and massacre their people, that could keep it fresh and bring a kind of frightening aspect to it that could help underline the nature of what’s happening. That or also describing the carnage through Teagan’s state of mind. It seems a lot of it is written in 3rd person (at least the last chapter I read, admittedly it’s been some months since I binged this story) but what if you used the time to have Teagan also reflecting on the deeds, what she felt, why she acted in the specific way she did to kill a particular Tomkin, stuff like that. It would help give us a deeper look into her psychology which I believe would be very valuable.

As far as the descriptions some of them seem to run pretty short, like “Teagan popped them in her mouth” and that being it to end that particular groups lives. Let it go on for a bit. Describe it, let us see it! Emphasize what is happening and why it’s important we should care!

You’ve got an amazing story here that I love to read and can’t wait to see progress! Excellent work!

 

PS: I got home and saw there was another chapter. ARE YOU SERIOUS!? 3 New Chapters in almost a single week!?! SQUEAL!!! I CAN'T WAIT!!!!

Please keep writing this! At this point, if you write it, I'll read it!

Author's Response:

Ok, so, first of all, THANK YOU SO MUCH for the tips. I will absolutely try to use them to my fullest extent, since while I think I'm an adequate writer overall, god, its just so hard for me to get the fetish scenes down right, since I've sadly never got to learn the intricacies of writing vore in my creative writing class

And yeah, Aelia definitely died. Volkhard is just in complete denial of the fact, and thought it was her talking to him while he killed Adelaide. Originally I wasn't going to include a name change from Adelhard to Volkhard, but I figured it would fit well here: Volkhard means "strength of the people", and is a part of the mantle he took unto himself after he joined tomkin society. He also, of course, abandoned Adelhard due to the similarity it had to his sister's name. The name change was a figurative act of sorts signalling his change from human to tomkin.

I guess I have to keep writing chapters anyhow, since if I stop writing, how will I continue having the absolute definite undisputably best end notes on this website?