Well after that fucking ominous remark about the guy not being deaf but unable to hear me we dove into the books. We hit nothing but dead ends. The only story that could be found came from legends of the Zulu tribe in Africa. According to legends there was a race of perfectly formed people, about a half inch tall, who would appear to young and pure of heart women. It barely took a second to decided Emily didn’t qualify as pure of heart, she even agreed. Don’t get me wrong, Emily is one of the kindest and most amazing person I know, but you don’t know her like I do. She is way too mischievous to count as pure of heart. So we kept searching until we had exhausted all of the books, nothing else about tiny people ever popped up. We did however find plenty of legends about giantesses. I’ve never really noticed before but giantesses have had a literally huge part of ancient mythology. I guess there have always been weirdos like myself who’ve fantasized about giant women. Come to think about it, that’s probably why movies like Attack of the 50ft Woman exist in the first place.

I’m getting off topic. The point is we found nothing and had to call it quits after about two hours.

“Well that was a complete waste of time,” Emily lamented outside the store.

I looked up at her from where I sat inside of her purse. “Maybe not a complete waste of time.” I spoke up. “Anyone for Fro Yo?”

I had been to the shopping center where Barnes & Noble was plenty of times. All it was was one big parking lot surrounded on all sides by different stores, and one of them was the Frozen Yogurt Factory. If you’ve never been there it’s pretty much one huge bar where you can custom make your own dessert. First you pour the ice cream of your choice, then add on any amount of topping. Did I mention there were a lot of toppings? Because there were A LOT of toppings. After you’re done creating your masterpiece you bring it up to the register where you’re cup is weighted and you’re charged appropriately for it’s weight. Emily constructed her ice cream to be of fruity flavor, including real fruit and candy fruit, whereas Tara went for a chocolate candy theme.

Emily left her bag laying on it’s side so that I could walk in and out whenever I wanted to. I sat at the very edge of the bag, scooping up ice cream off of a spoon with my bare hands and then wiping them on a piece of napkin. About halfway through my ice cream I looked up and nearly panicked.

“Oh shit,” I muttered to myself. Whipping my hands on the napkin I ran deep inside the purse.

Tara lowered her head to peek inside at me. “What are you doing?”

“Shhh! Just close the bag!” I whispered as urgently as I could.

Tara did as I asked. No sooner than the purse was closed that I heard a muffled voice come from outside. “Hey girls. What are the odds of seeing you here?”

“Oh, hi Tim,” Emily said.

Tim Gonzales was Emily’s second cousin and lives somewhere locally. He’s about six feet tall with a little bit of muscle on his bones, but for the most part he’s pretty skinny. He has blond hair he likes to spike in the front, blue eyes, and dark skin he got from his Hispanic father. Even though Tim is Emily’s second cousin I really didn’t want him to see me. Tim doesn’t really like me . . . at all. Tim has a bit of a superiority complex. Because he’s so tall he likes to show off his athletic skills a lot. Beating him at sports is like beating a hipster at video games. It’s not hard to do but they’ll always think you won because of some bullshit excuse they make up.

A few years ago at Emily’s birthday party all of us organized a football game. The rules were standard except there was no tackling allowed. Instead it was two-handed touch football, boys and girls were evenly split into teams. Just as my friend Freddy handed the ball of to me and I started running Tim came up on my right side and decked me to the ground. As I said before Tim is about six feet tall, whereas I stand at five feet seven inches. I landed on my ass pretty hard but I held onto the ball. Of course he helped me up, apologized, and said he was just messing around. I didn’t want to be petty or anything so I decided to brush it off and accept his apology like it was no big deal.

Then he did it a second time. He helped me up, claimed this time it was an accident, and promised to not do it again. But when he tackled me a third time I was ready for it. Just as Tim came up on my right he lowered his head down so that he could hit me with his right shoulder. Remember when I kept mentioning I wrestled for six years? That meant that this was not going to end well for Tim. Just as he came on me I tossed the ball to Freddy and dropped down on my right knee. I grabbed his wrist with my left hand and wrapped my other arm around his right leg. Then, with only a minor amount of strength I flipped him right over me, needless to say he landed on his back pretty fucking hard. But I didn’t stop there. Just as he landed I spun around and got him into a headlock, making sure I wrapped my arms around his right arm as well as his neck. This meant that he was in no danger of being choked out, but with one of his arms trapped he had no hope of escaping on his own.

Now in wrestling a headlock is not a move that is generally encouraged, mostly because there are many different ways of getting out. Tim didn’t wrestle though, so he just tried to break out by brute force alone. Even if he had use of both arms I’m actually much stronger than Tim is so he wasn’t going anywhere unless I said so. Of course everyone crowded around the two of us as Tim flailed his arms and legs uselessly and pretty much everyone was smiling. Did I mention everyone thought Tim was arrogant? Anyway I let him up after about a minute and he pushed me away as soon as I unlocked my arms, as if that push was what won him the fight. After that he stormed off inside and the rest of us kept on playing. What surprised me though was when Emily’s parents pulled me aside and apologized to me for Tim’s behavior. The whole time I was working out an apology to them.

The moral of the story is that Tim’s not a nice guy which is exactly why he can never see me like this.

“What are you two doing here?” I heard him ask.

Tara answered this time. “Just getting some dessert after work.”

“Oh nice,” he said. “I just got back from my little brother’s baseball game.”

“That’s cool,” Emily said. “How was it?”

“He’s doing great out there. In fact the coaches have asked that I teach some of the other kids. You know, help them with catching, throwing, and batting. Stuff like that.”

I rolled my eyes so hard I almost got dizzy.

“I’m sure you’ll do great at teaching,” Tara responded.

“Yeah,” there was a pause before Tim spoke again. “Hey, your friend Peter isn’t here, is he? I’m told you guys usually hang out together.”

This is the part where my heart normally would have been beating its way out of my chest. But by now I had endured so much I was almost starting to get used to it. Besides, I had complete faith in Emily and Tara. I knew they’d protect me.

“Peter?” Emily asked. “Oh yeah, he’s here.”

Ok, faith is gone. Why Emily? Why!

“He had to step out though,” she continued. “He had to run over to CVS and pick something up. He should be back any minute.”

There was another pause before Tim spoke. “Oh, um, too bad. I just stopped in to say hi to you. I really got to get home and start working on my training schedule. Tell him I said hi thought.”

“We will,” Tara called out.

After a few moments the purse opened up again and I saw Tara’s grinning face. “Tim said hi.”

*****

After laughing to ourselves and finishing our ice cream Emily dropped Tara off at her house and then drove us home. She left me on the leather couch in the basement while she went upstairs to change. Emily came down after a few minutes wearing a flannel pair of pajama pants and a white T-shirt. She stopped just as she reached the couch and peered down at me.

“I hope there’s room on that couch for me,” she said.

I grinned as I walked over to the far left cushion and sat down. “I apologize for my fat ass. I hope that’s enough room for you.”

“Oh my, you’re such a gentleman.” she smirked. Emily turned to sit down on the far right cushion. But just as she was about to sit she shifted her body entirely and came down sitting on me. Just as with Tara everything from my chest down was trapped underneath of her butt while my arms, neck, and head remained unharmed. I struggled to claw my way out but it was useless.

“Uh . . . Emily?”

I heard her voice carry down to me quite clearly. “You ok back there?”

“Um, yeah. Yeah I’m alright.”

“Good,” was all she said. I heard the TV turn on.

“Uh . . . Emily?” I asked. “What the fuck?”

I heard her voice carry down to me quite clearly. “Remember when I said I’d get you back for tickling me at work?”

Hmmmm, now that I think about it, how the hell did I not see this coming? “Haha, ok . . . Good one Emily . . . Now if you could just . . . remove yourself from my body . . . I’d very much appreciate that.” I spoke between struggles to break free.

In response to that her butt shifted back and forth a bit. “Oh I’ll get off, when it’s dinner time.”

I perked up. “And when’s dinner?”

“In an hour,” she answered.

I fell back against the leather feeling deflated. An entire hour trapped beneath Emily’s, surprisingly firm, butt. This was going to feel like a long time, I could already tell.

“So?” she asked. “Is there anything on TV you want to watch.”

I groaned.