About two days after going to work with Emily and Tara I found myself in the strangest predicament I’ve ever found myself in.

The day started with Emily getting ready for work. When she asked if I would be tagging along I declined. I didn’t feel like leaving the house that day. So she left and I spent the day hanging around in my Cave, which had been moved back to her room right beside her bed. I killed time by reading over everything I had written in my journal and adding to it. Once I had finished with that I decided to take my guitar out and practice outside. I sat on the draw bridge door, looking out at the room as I played through whatever songs I knew how to play. At some point Joseph even came outside and sat beside me as I played.

Just as I got done playing the unplugged version of Layla when Joseph stood up and began clicking. I didn’t need to ask what that meant, I had already learned weeks ago and I trusted his accuracy. My Bat Cave was right next to the head of Emily’s bed, about halfway down a spider came out from under it. Not just any spider, the spider. I could tell because the thing was fucking huge for a spider. Not to mention it’s pretty hard to forget what a spider looks like when it’s as big as you are and trying to kill you.

I will be very honest with you, I almost pissed myself. Seriously, for all of my talk of training and getting back at the spider it was an entirely different thing to be here looking right at it. I wish I could tell you I faced it down calmly because I’m a badass. The truth is I was too shocked to make any noise and too scared to make any sudden movements. All I could do was set my guitar aside and stand up. After about a minute of just comprehending that the situation was indeed happening right now I remembered that I had my staff slung on my back. Drawing it I pointed inside.

“Joseph, get inside now.” was all I could force out.

I didn’t look to see if he actually understood, I couldn’t look away from the spider. So far he made no move at all, I don’t know why though. Maybe he remembered the sight of my staff and was playing this just as cautiously as I was . . . are bugs supposed to be that smart? Granted I know it’s an arachnid, but is that supposed to make a difference? I shook my head to clear away all of the stray thoughts, I had to think clearly here. This thing was big, it came up to about chest height for me, it was probably strong, it could climb walls, and it was fucking fast. The only thing  I had on my side was a questionably superior mind, two weeks of quarterstaff practice, and an adrenalin rush. Speaking of which, once that adrenalin hit my system my mind started racing. It was then I had an idea. Very slowly I sheathed my quarterstaff and then took off towards the TV at a dead sprint.

The day after going to the bookstore Emily had the idea to test out a science experiment using me. She went down to the crawl space and pulled out every single LEGO piece her little brother owned. She brought the massive bucket of LEGO bricks to her room and set about constructing a maze for me to walk through. I’m not even joking, we actually did this. Hell, the LEGO bricks were small enough that I even helped build the thing. Of course I could only build up to chest height and the maze needed to be way over my head, but I wasn’t useless for once. Emily outlined where the walls would go and I started stacking bricks. It took us a while but we completed one hell of an extensive maze. After that we spent the rest of the day playing different games. Emily timed me to see how fast I could get out on my own. My record was about three minutes, the maze is literally so extensive I could not get out in under three minutes. Then she put a cube of cheddar cheese somewhere in the maze just to see if I could sniff it out, I swear I’m not making this up. And yes I was able to find it somewhere in the far left corner. I even got to race Joseph through. It took me three tries to figure out he was just climbing over the walls and then walking over to the exit when he heard me approaching.

Anyway I ran for the entrance to the maze as fast as my adrenalin fuel legs could carry me. I lucked out by getting there before the spider came on me. He must not have ran after me from the start, or else his eight legs would have allowed him to reach me long before I made it to the maze. But as I got to the entrance I looked behind me and saw the spider wasn’t as far back as I thought. Without wasting another moment I ran straight into the maze trying to get good and lost. After going through a few twists and turns I put my back to the wall as I drew my staff and peered around the corner. Less than ten feet away from me was another passageway where I could hear tap noises coming from. Sure enough I saw the tip of one of the spiders legs slowly come into sight. Without hesitation I ran straight at it and brought my staff down on that leg with all of the strength in my upper body. I heard as well as felt the snap of it’s leg when I hit it. The spider probably hissed in pain but I was freaking out too much to notice. As soon as I hit the leg I took off running down an intersecting hallway. Just as before I hid behind a corner and waited for it to come to me. This time when it came around I saw it’s head first, so when I swung I hit it right in the face. I must have taken out two of three of it’s smaller eyes. Once I hit it I turned right around and ran down the hallway I just came from, going deeper and deeper into the maze. After stopping to catch my breath for a second I listened. I began to feel faith vibrations on the wall my back was up against. When I peered around the nearest corner I saw the spider crawling on the right hand wall, it’s left front leg was the one I took out. Once he saw me that son of a bitch didn’t hesitate to charge, breaking his leg might have hurt him, but taking out his eyes just pissed him off.

So it’s a good thing that when he came at me I took out his other front leg with another swing of my staff. Taking out that leg messed up his grip on the wall enough that he actually fell off and landed on the floor with a THUD. But I didn’t stop to laugh, I ran. I kept on running until I found the exit, and even after that I kept on running until I was out in the middle of Emily’s wide open floor. Only then did I stop and look behind me. The spider was limping it’s way out of the maze and after me, using his other six legs to carry him. All in all we were right back to where we started, only now I had seriously cut down on his speed advantage, as well as blind a few of his eyes.

Just as when this whole brouhaha (it’s a word, Google it) started I was still scared to death. The only reason I stood facing this thing down was that now I had a new kind of confidence going for me. I just sucker punched it three times and got away, and now it was much slower because of that. Plus I kept on thinking about everything else I’ve survived so far, like the mouse, as well as Mrs Wright trying to crush me. If I could avoid her foot falls I could stay ahead of this ugly little bastard. So that’s exactly what I did. As soon as the spider was right on me I dive rolled to the side, came up on my feet and smacked it with my staff. I did that a few times, maybe I was wearing it down, maybe I was pissing it off. After the fourth or fifth time I swung and took out another one of it’s. As the spider hissed out in pain I took the chance to get a little distance between the two of us. When it turned to face me it hissed for all it was worth and charged. It’s charge was a little slowed down though, Using five legs when it’s so used to eight must really be cumbersome to him. This gave me an idea.

I slid my hand down till it was in the center of my staff while my left hand gripped the top. Once the spider closed the distance I slipped the tip of my staff right under him, braced myself, and then hoisted the tip up against his face while at the same time twisting my legs away from it. To the spider that must have felt like an uppercut punch to the jaw because the spider staggered. The freaking spider actually staggered. I didn’t waste time on being surprised though. Having a giant spider right in front of you, even if it is dazed, if fucking terrifying! So I raised my staff up and brought it down over his head with all of the strength I had left in my body.

The nightmare of a bug collapsed in a heap of legs and fangs. I had just knocked a giant fucking spider out cold.

Just as that thought hit me I dropped to my knees in complete and utter exhaustion. All of that running, swinging, rolling, and the adrenalin, it all caught up with me. And it hurt. My lungs were burning with the effort to breath, my legs felt like hot lead, and I could barely raise my arms. After a minute even my knees gave out and I fell on my back. I don’t think I passed out but then again I don’t remember getting up at all. Somewhere in the back of my mind I could have sworn I was floating, but then my body started to shake.

“ . . . . peter . . .”

I heard a voice somewhere off in a far distance. Almost sounded like . . .

“PETER!” Emily screamed.

I bolted up immediately, not quite sure what was going on. “I’m awake! I’m awake!” I shouted. “What time is it!”

Emily placed a hand to her chest. “Jesus Christ, don’t scare me like that.” Walking over she got down on her knees and surveyed the scene. “Oh my God. Is that the spider you told me about?”

I looked up at her confused, until I looked next to me. I must have been even more tired than I thought because it took my brain a full thirty seconds to process that that was indeed a giant spider lying unconscious right next to me.

“Oh yeah,” I said. “That happened.”

“What happened?” she asked. “Did you actually kill it?”

“No,” I said slowly. “I think I just knocked it out.”

“Ew,” she exclaimed. “The things creepy. Give me a minute.” Emily stood up and left the room. She came back a few second later with a tissue and disposed of the fucker once and for all.

Rather than tell her the full story as soon as she came back I told her I needed to wash up first. So I took another Dixie Cup bath and even washed my staff as well. That thing was so disgusting I did not want to have to carry around my staff unless it was washed thoroughly. After everything was cleaned and I paid a quick visit to Joseph to make sure her was alright I told Emily the whole story. We sat on her bed as I told her everything that happened. I would have reenacted it for her but I was way to tired to do any like that again. I’m actually surprised she believed me, I guess I was so tired my exhaustion itself was proof. When I was done Emily shook her head.

“How the hell do you do stuff like this?” she asked.

“What are you talking about?”

“Everything,” she exclaimed. “You just faced down a giant spider and you won. I’ve never heard of anyone doing anything like that.”

“Emily,” I smiled as I shook my head. “I didn’t face down a spider I ran for my life. The only reason it didn’t catch me was that it didn’t chase me right away. Once it started the only thing that kept me going was fear. I was so scared I almost shit a brick.” I explained. “And I didn’t fight it either, I sucker punched and crippled it. And then I ran some more. The only time I actually faced it down was after it was half blind, and three of it’s legs were broken.” I shrugged. “Even then it took everything I had just to knock it out.”

With a frown Emily picked my tiny body up with her thumb and finger. She held me up to her face. “Don’t act like you didn’t do something brave Peter. What you did took more guts than anything I’ve ever seen before.”

She brought me right over to her mouth and, with as much care as she possibly could, kissed my entire upper body.

It wasn’t a long or passionate kiss, more like a kiss on the cheek a girl gives a guy for doing something nice and gentlemanlike. Never the less it made my whole body feel warm, just to be pressed up against her soft lips like that. It was like hugging a cloud.

She pulled me away from her lips and eyes me up and down. “Feeling sore?” she asked.

I nodded.

“Here,” she said. “I’ve got the perfect reward for you.”

She bought me over and placed me right in between the big and second toe of her right foot.

She giggled. “You’ve given me a few good foot massages before. Now it’s time that my feet massage you.”

Emily moved her toes back and forth over my body, slowly, and gently. Her toes were so soft they actually felt incredible as they rubbed over my chest and back. There was a little pain but it was that good pain you feel when you know your muscles are getting a nice and thorough massage. I groaned a little with relief.

“How does that feel?” she asked.

“Unbelievable,” I said. “Go a tiny bit harder.”

“Ok.”

It must have taken some serious control on her part not to rub too hard but somehow she did it. The pressure increased just enough that it felt amazing without actually hurting me. I felt my joints crack a bit but that too felt good. As Emily continued to rub I let my head rest against her big toe and I began to kiss it a bit. This produced a few giggles from her.

“I love it when you do that,” she said.

“So do I,” I said.

It went on like that for a little while, I never wanted it to end. At some point I began to think the spider really killed me and I was just experiencing Heaven. But sadly Emily removed me from in between her toes and said it was time to eat something. Even though I was completely starving I still wanted it to continue.

That night I never had any nightmares, I was too worn out to remember any of them. What I do remember is what Emily said before I fell asleep. "Good night my little hero."