Quick show of hands: how many of you have ever been so bored you almost died? As it turns out that’s what it’s like in the Bat Cave. Well not technically the Bat Cave, more like a plastic imitation but you get the point. Anyway it was only the day after I found myself shrunken in my best friend’s room and already I was losing my mind. Yesterday was spent getting me set up inside my new home. A large piece of cloth was folded several times to make a bed in the main “computer room” where I slept. My “bathroom” was a shortened Dixie cup in the room right next to my bedroom. The jail cell was my panic room in the event that anyone aside from Emily comes in. Lucky for me Emily said no one but her ever comes in her room.

So I sat propped against a railing on the roof, my Riddler quarterstaff laid across my lap, staring off at nothing. I’ve been doing this for most of the day. Emily was at work and there was no one else in the house. Not that I could have talked to anyone else considering how I made Emily promise not to tell anyone. Once Emily left to go to her job at Barns & Noble I slept in for as long as I could simply to kill some time. Once it hit 12pm I couldn’t sleep anymore and began nibbling on the granola bar chunk Emily had left me for breakfast and probably lunch. Afterwards I spent a few hours teaching myself how to wield a quarterstaff. It wasn’t exactly complicated but I would clearly have to practice for hours each day if I ever hoped to protect myself from anything bigger than a dust mite. I practiced spinning it from one hand to the other, which I only succeeded in one time out of every twenty tries, and striking properly. After doing that for a few hours I became bored, extremely bored. Which is where I made my first mistake, walking right out the fucking front door.

At the time it seemed like a cool idea. I’d grown up watching Tom and Jerry, which is still one of my favorite shows to this day. In every episode Jerry seems to have so much fun exploring a world bigger than him. Everywhere he goes he’s surrounded by giant wonders that he maneuvers around with skill enough to make it look easy.

Emily’s room was perfect for that.

Now don’t get me wrong, Emily is no slob. But apparently a little clutter doesn’t bother her. On the floor over by her bookcase were a bunch of scattered novels, a stuffed animal or two on the ground, loose change, pencils, clothes, shoes, makeup items, and crumpled up pieces of paper. There wasn’t so much that the room looked completely messy but there were plenty of things on the floor to make it worth exploring. So I hefted my staff, lowered the front door, and began my expedition.

At first I was having a blast getting to see everything. The sheer size of objects that I had always dismissed as mundane blew my mind. The stuffed animals were big enough for me to use as a king sized bed. In fact I almost fell asleep on one of them.

I spent a fair amount of time inside one of her discarded sneakers. The smell from her feet still lingered a bit and filled my head. I know this probably sounds creepy but I loved it. And hey if it does sound creepy then just remember, you’re the one reading this.

Back to my adventures, the book stacks were fun to climb. I had to leave my staff at the bottom but there wasn’t really anything for me to use it on. So I ran up one book that was propped against the stack forming a ramp and climbed the rest of them. Once at the top I realized I could probably reach the second level of the bookcase if I wanted to, but I decided that that adventure would be for another day. So I climbed down till my feet touched the ramp and slid the rest of the way down on my socks.

With an entire room left to explore I was feeling pretty excited, maybe being this small wouldn’t be as bad as I thought . . . that is until I saw an ant.

It was surprisingly small, even for me. It was about the size of a small dog and it moved pretty fast. I flinched a little when I first saw it come towards me. But it stopped as soon as I moved and just stood there staring at me, and I it. It was kind of fascinating, getting such an up close and personal look at something I’ve never really paid much mind to most of my life. Its eyes though were unsettling, pitch black and creepy. It came a few steps closer to me while making weird clicking sounds and I back away again. It seemed that was enough to convince the thing I wasn’t a threat because it turned left and headed into the mass of discarded books. Well I wasn’t about to take that from an ant so, with quarterstaff in hand, I ran after it. All of the books lying on the floor were either opened facing up or down, making them into tunnels. I ran through the literary maze searching for the little bastard when I heard its clicking noises.

I emerged from one of the paperbacked tunnels into a corner of the room where the ant was tangled up by some wires. At first all I did was watch it, not sure if I should help it out or not. On one hand the thing scared me. I don’t know if the ant could identify me as human or not but I sure as hell wasn’t about to take the chance. I had killed hundreds of ants so far in my life and this was the first time I had seen an ant completely capable of killing me. Even as small as they are ants are incredibly strong and their exoskeleton made them tough. All in all this thing was very capable of scaling the walls of my cave and ripping my skin off while I slept with its mandibles.

On the other hand it was pretty damn adorable for being the size of a beagle. Plus it sounded scared to death being caught like that. I suppose if I was to spend my life the size of an ant I might as well make amends for my sins against ant-kind. So, lifting my quarterstaff like a baseball bat, I swung hard and snapped the wires all around the helpless bug. It ran a few steps away from the corner just as soon as the last wire was cut where it stopped and turned to look at me.

“Hmph, is that your idea of a ‘thank you’?” I asked it.

In response the ant began to make more clicking sounds while shaking its front two legs in the air. “Now that’s more like it,” I said. It wasn’t until I turned around that I saw the spider . . . and I very nearly coughed up my own heart.

It was huge. Only coming up to my stomach in height, but it was wide and bigger than any dog I’ve ever seen in person. It stood there on the wall watching me with eight dark, empty, freighting eyes. The ant behind me kept on clicking but I couldn’t hear it, I didn’t dare turn around to look at it. All of my attention was put on the spider just fifteen feet up the wall. I couldn’t move, my legs might as well have been roots for all the good they did me. I couldn’t even swallow, my throat had gone completely dry.

Then it began to descend the wall, slowly, all the while its eyes never seemed to stop looking at me. That was enough to get my mind racing again, and I only needed one thought to figure out what to do. Get the hell out of here you dumbass! And so I took off running. All the while fighting it never even entered my mind. I was a two inch tall poser thinking that a few hours of swinging a stick made me a warrior. What the hell was I thinking?

With all thoughts of self defense out of my head I took to sprinting through the maze of books. Here’s a little back story on me, I’m not a track runner at all. I have, however, been wrestling from seventh to twelfth grade and you’re required to do a lot of cardio in wrestling. Was I going to turn around and fight this beast like an epic Spartan soldier from 300? Fuck no. Was I going to use every ounce of strength I had to keep running and not leave a trail of urine for it to follow? Fuck yes. I kept up my ridiculous pace ducking under some books and hopping over others. Once I finally made it through it became a mad dash straight for the Bat Cave. Last night Emily had the presence of mind to push the play set against the wall so that the entire back of the cave was covered by the wall. I don’t know if you’ve played much with these kinds of play sets but they never have a back to them, it’s completely open so that kids can interact with their toys. But with the Cave pressed against the wall the only way to get in was through the front door.

For one frightening second I looked over my shoulder and was instantly motivated to double my speed. The spider was running right after me using all eight of its legs, and it was moving pretty damn fast! The only reason I was so far ahead of it was because of those cumbersome books it had to climb through. Adrenaline hit my system as soon as I saw how close it was getting, this was my last chance to survive. Using almost everything I had left I sprinted right through the door and barely stopped myself from running right into the wall. Rather I ran into the wall but was somehow able to push off of it. I had done that plenty of times in wrestling practice whenever I had to sprint back and forth between walls, it was a little trick I used to stay slightly ahead of most of the other guys. Anyway I kicked off the wall and landed facing the door which was still opened up like a draw bridge, and the spider was still coming right for me!

I was so scared I almost forgot Emily had tied a string to the top of the door. It took a decent amount of strength to close but the spider provided just the right amount of motivation. The door shut firmly a few moments before the spider came upon it. As I had hoped there was no way for the thing to get through. The unsettling part was it kept gazing at me with those soulless beady eyes. Eventually it seemed to give up and it walked out of sight. At that point I was ready to just collapse and pass out for the rest of the day, it seemed like a pretty good idea to me. Until some familiar clicking noises snapped me out of my daze. In all of the panic I had completely forgotten about the ant I had saved, apparently he had followed me inside and I never even noticed. Granted ants, even giant ones, become hard to notice in the presence of giant spiders. Oddly enough though I was no longer unnerved by it, it seemed harmless compared to the things I just barely escaped from. As a matter of fact it seemed kind of cute considering it was like a little dog. So I knelt down and gave its antenni a gentle pet.

“I guess we showed him,” I said.

But the ant just kept clicking in that same panicky way as when we first saw the spider. Then a thought crept into my head and I sprinted for the ladder. Like I said before, there is no ladder leading from the second level to the roof so I had to kick off a wall and grab for it. With my quarterstaff tucked in the back of my shirt I hauled myself up to the roof and ran for the railing. My stomach dropped about as low as the floor. The freaking spider was climbing up the side of the cave! And it looked pissed! Don’t ask me how I could tell, given how there was no emotion in its eyes, I just could.

Without me even realizing it the ant was right beside me clicking for all it was worth. I wasn’t sure what I should do. I mean, what the hell are you supposed to do with a freaking giant spider climbing up the side of your house to kill you? It’s not something you can Google and expect to find serious results for.

By now the spider was almost at the top and I needed to do something. So naturally I waited until the very last second to do anything, if that doesn’t define my entire four years of high school I don’t know what does. I watched as its front legs gripped the railing, I was so close I could see the jagged spines sticking out that allowed it to grab onto the wall and walk up. The spider hauled itself high enough for its head to be above the railing.

Until I brought my quarterstaff down on its head hard enough that it lost its grip entirely. The spider fell and landed hard against the wooden floor. I could hardly believe that I had actually pulled it off I almost cried out in joy, but then I saw it get up.

It didn’t try its luck climbing back up again, instead it just looked up at me. Two of its smaller front eyes were shut, probably blind from the hit. But as it gazed up at me I lost the urge to cheer. I don’t know how I could tell, it’s not like this was a movie to me anymore, but somehow I could tell that this wouldn’t be the last I would see of this fucker. I just hope next time won’t be very soon. I watched from the top of my cave as the spider walked away. Even after it was out of sight I kept on watching.

“You think he’ll be back?” I asked the ant, who still had not left. The only response I got was a few clicks. “Yeah,” I replied. “I thought so too.”

I turned my head to study the ant one more time, and he in turn studied me.

“Well,” I said after a minute. “If you want to leave you’re free to go.” I gestured to the railing since I knew he couldn’t understand me. But rather than move the ant just kept looking up at me, not even making anymore clicking noises.

“Look it’s not that you’re not cute. I just don’t see this working out at all, me with a pet ant. Besides don’t you have friends somewhere?”

No reaction, it just kept staring. So I actually thought it over. I was going to be small for an undetermined amount of time, a companion my size might be comforting whenever Emily goes to work. Plus he warned me about the spider climbing up the walls, I might need warning like that again.

I shrugged. “Ok then. But if you’re going to stay with me you’re going to need a name just like any other pet.” I considered one for a while. My dad had a dog when he was a kid growing up, now what was his name again . . . . I smiled. “Joseph. How does that sound?” I got a click in response. “Joseph it is.”

And that’s how I ended up sitting on the roof, quarterstaff on my lap and an ant sitting by my side, staring out at the vast room. I felt the vibrations from Emily’s approach the same time as Joseph. He stood up immediately and began to click as she walked in through the door. So I reached over and pet him on the head. “Shhh shhh, it’s ok. Emily’s a friend of mine. She’s not going to hurt you.”

That seemed to calm him down as Emily removed her shoes and walked over to the Bat Cave. I couldn’t help but notice how she didn’t wear socks this time. In fact, try as hard as I could, I couldn’t stop glancing as her giant bare feet padded over to us. She stood over me and raised an eyebrow. “Peter, are you petting an ant?” she asked.

I nodded. “His name’s Joseph.”

“Joseph?”

“Well it was either that or come up with a catchy pun instead. Ant-tony didn’t sound all that catchy to me.”

Emily just nodded. “Makes sense.” And that folks is one of the reasons why she’s my closest friend. Whether I’m shrunken and petting an ant, or arriving to her house dressed as Robin Hood with pizza (it’s a long story) she just goes along with it like it’s nothing out of the ordinary. And her feet were just amazing. Pale and soft looking like silk. I remember how she once told me she disliked her big feet. At least they were big for her, they were a size nine. I told her she was exaggerating and her feet weren’t really that big. But hell if they didn’t look huge now! I began to vision her lifting her foot up again like she did last time, only without the sock on. Looking down at me, small and helpless, she was divine.

“ . . . . .Peter!”

The sound of her voice made me jump as I snapped out of my little fantasy world. “What?”

She quirked an eyebrow as she looked down on me. “You ok Pete? You’re zoning out on me.” As she said that she lifted her toes and gave them a wiggle. Could she have noticed me staring? No, no there was no way. Not when she was so big and I was so far down below her. It was probably just a coincidence. Either way I still had to answer her. “Oh, uh sorry Emily. I’ve just had a rough day here, that’s all.”

Emily sat down next to the Bat Cave with her legs spread out in front of her and crossed. “You want to talk about it?”

So I told her all about what I had done today as I continued to pet Joseph. Occasionally I would cast glances at her crossed feet as she spread her toes and flexed them. When I was done she looked at me in amazement. “And that spider’s still here? In my room!” I nodded.

“Oh my God, I have to kill it!” she sounded almost hysterical. “I hate spiders!”

“Hey hey hey, take it easy.” I said. “I’ve already sent it packing. Most likely it won’t come out for a while now.” Then my tone became more serious. “And besides that spider’s mine. I could tell he wanted a round two and I’m going to deliver.”

“You’re going to fight a fucking spider?” she asked doubtfully.

In response I spun my quarterstaff the way I had practiced all that morning. It wasn’t an actual fighting technique but it was flashy, which was what I was going for. I twirled it in front of me a few times before I slammed one end on the ground. “No, I’m going to kill a fucking spider.”

A wide grin broke out over Emily’s face. “Ok. That was pretty badass.” Before I could stop myself from ruining the moment a grin spread across my face as well.

*****

Emily left to go to dinner and came back with two smuggled pieces of steak in her hand, one for me and one for Joseph. She also brought a Dixie cup of water and we ate while watching TV with her. Somewhere after 2am Emily turned the TV off and we said good night. I climbed down off the roof and walked to my bed. Just as I sat down on my bed of folded cloth I felt something next to me. When my eyes fully adjusted to the dark I saw what it was. Two sets of outfits and a leather bound book with a pen . . . all of which were my size.

For a minute I thought my eyes were playing tricks on me and this was the after effect of all of that adrenaline. I grabbed some of the clothes and held them up; they were definitely real, as was the book and pen. The book was blank from what I could tell, nothing written in any of the clean white pages.

I couldn’t wrap my head around this. Where did any of these things come from? How were they my size? I knew this couldn’t have come from Emily. Where would she even get items this small and how could she have snuck it into my room without me noticing?

“Joseph did you see who put these here?” I asked as I turned towards him. But Joseph had gone to sleep already. So I just sat down on my bed, flipped the book open to the first page, and began to write.