What would you picture if you were in my place?  You’re the size of a doll and your captor talks about getting stuff you need.  Even better, imagine if your lover had been born the size of a doll and they remained that way.  What would you get to help make him or her more comfortable with living?  What would you get to lower the dangers of the outside world so you could always keep them safe?  Would you have them live inside a doll house?  Would you start building tiny stairways and other methods of transportation so they didn’t always have to have you carrying them places? 

It would be more interesting to me if I hadn’t been the one going through that, and with someone who probably didn’t truly love me the way you’re supposed to love someone.  No, I was forced into that situation and was just sitting and looking at Hiroshi, wondering and pondering.  I wondered what she was buying for me.  I wondered what she thought I needed.  True, I needed a lot.  I was like a Barbie doll, for crying out loud.  It’s hard to find all your needs at 5 feet tall, let alone this size.  Before long, I called up to her, asking her what she was getting. 

“Oh, don’t you worry about it, little one.  You’re getting everything you need, okay?”

That didn’t answer my question, but it’s what I got.  My mind went to a lot of things.  A dollhouse is something I could live in.  Sure, it would be like a regular house, except for everything being made of plastic.  What else was there besides that and clothes?  I guess she could find toy silverware for me to use with food, or small toy cars to make me feel like I still actually have a car and places to go.  This was all on my mind, though.  I had no idea what Hiroshi had in mind.  And I wasn’t going to find out. 

I just dropped my head down and let out a sigh.  Whatever she was buying was probably something that could help me.  The only way for me to find out was to wait until they got delivered.  Though that was a depressing thought at the time.  It entered my mind and I entered my first really down and sad spell since Hiroshi’s attitude changed.  These things had to take days to be delivered.  That, alone got me down because it made me realize that I would still be here with her in days and days to come. 

That really depressed me.  Was this really my life now?  That thought ran through my head more times than I could count.  Right after my life had been saved, I didn’t care much about it.  But now I did.  I could feel a tingling in the top of my nose as I thought about it.  I was really stuck there.  Doll-sized with Hiroshi.  Cut off from my home.  Cut off from Rebecca.  Cut off from everything but Hiroshi.  The more I thought about being cut off from everyone, the worse I seemed to feel. 

It didn’t take much to bring me down when things were going south.  This instance was proving it.  My breathing got slower as I tried to keep from showing my feelings.  Every time this happened, I knew that my body wanted to break down and cry.  So I fought it as best I could.  Deeper breathing.  Wiping my forehead.  Trying to think about anything else.  For years and years, I had cry spells that I had to fight.  I had learned many ways to fight it, but when it got so bad, it just couldn’t be fought at all.  And that moment felt the worst I’d felt in a very long time. 

I worked hard on my breathing, but it felt like the more I breathed, the worse it got.  I could feel it getting closer every second when I just wanted it to go away.  Night time.  Night was the perfect time for this to happen because no one would see it.  But it wasn’t night time.  It was the middle of the day and one moment, I am trying my hardest not to cry and the next thing I know, I fall over on my side and start shaking all over.  There is no feeling of cold.  No feeling of being sick.  Just the thought of being ripped away from my home dominating my mind and throwing me down.  My arms, legs, fingers, toes.  All of them began to shake uncontrollably and I started sobbing into the desk.    

“Hmm?  What are you doing, little one?”

That only made the shaking worse.  Hiroshi saw me move over on my side.  She could see me right now.  Could she see me crying?  Could she see me shaking?  No, of course not.  I was curled up.  So I rolled to face the inside of the desk.  To the point where she couldn’t see my face.  That would work, right?  My panicking mind thought so.  ‘You’ll just look like you’re tired, that’s all’ I told myself.  How ridiculous of a thought, but it was there.  So I stared at the back of the desk, feeling rivers of tears running down my face and onto the desk I was laying on. 

I cried and cried and cried.  It was like a life time of sorrow coming out all at once.  I didn’t wail or make noise, but tears kept rolling down.  That’s how I have always been with crying.  No screaming.  No moaning.  Just being silent and tears running down my face.  I thought that could have worked to my advantage right then.  After all, if she couldn’t hear me crying, she wouldn’t think I was crying.  It made sense.  It still makes sense now.  I just had my hopes up a little bit too high. 

Those hopes were up too high because this was Hiroshi I was dealing with.  I sobbed and sobbed, and soon found myself being lifted up into the air.  Of course she wouldn’t just assume I was tired.  She did say she wanted to take care of me, after all.  As much as I didn’t want it, my face was soon right up in front of her, every tear and every reddened mark on my face clearly visible.  There was no hiding something like that from her.  If only I had been one of those people that rarely ever cried at all. 

“What’s wrong?  Why are you crying, little one?”

Now there was a question I knew I couldn’t answer.  In my crying state, I always just want to get everything off my chest, but I knew I couldn’t.  If I told her what was really going on, I’d be in hot water.  I had gotten to the point where she thought I was accepting this.  Heck, even I thought I was accepting this.  Throwing that out to her now would only have bad results.  Who knows how upset she might get upon saying that I still wanted to leave and go back to Rebecca.  I didn’t even want to think about that. 

So, the question was how to avoid answering the question.  It didn’t take me long before I just buried my face in her thumb and kept sobbing.  ‘That’s it.  Just keep sobbing uncontrollably.  She’ll just comfort me and I can get out of this question’.  It was like something a little kid would think up to do.  I didn’t care.  I just wanted to avoid the question.  That’s all that mattered.  Except, that didn’t work.  Because she just moved her thumb and pushed my head up to look at hers. 

“Do you not want to tell me?  Don’t you trust me, little one?”