Neverquest – Part 129

Characters: Duchess May, Bob, Guy, Russell, Wallace, The Rat

Location: In the kitchen of the House of Femmington

Time: Day 5 – Dawn

“You know what the best part of a cow is?” Duchess May asked, raising the glass to her lips.

Bob and Guy stared up at her, like they had been all through breakfast.

“Umm…the part that goes moo?” Bob guessed.

“Not quite,” she said, taking a sip that was as gentle as her touch. “It’s knowing that after you’re done with the milk, you can still eat the cow.” Then she paused. “I like to think everything has a purpose, you know? Like we’re all taking our turns to keep the cycle of life turning.”

Guy bobbed up and down in the milk. “Yeah, I like to think I’m doing the world a service by being alive.”

“Yeah… No, you’re not.” She set the glass down on the table and picked up her fork again. “Your purpose belongs to a higher life form now. Namely, me.”

“At least you’re a pretty higher life form.”

“I couldn’t do it without Men like you,” she smiled. “You complete me.”

“Awww….”

“Those idiots,” Russell muttered, watching from the sink. “What was I thinking when I hired them?”

Wallace looked at him. “Your pocketbook. They were willing to work for table scraps.”

“I guess you get what you pay for.”

“I don’t think so, sir… If we don’t do something quick, they’re going to pay in ways I can’t even imagine.”

“But what can we do? Look at her. She’s huge.”

Wallace nodded. She was huge. And yet, compared to the lavish furniture in the room, she was rather petite. She had small arms, but they were bare and tan like the month of June. And she sat with her feet firmly on the floor, keeping her legs as straight as a redwood, while she leaned over her plate with her back to them. But they could see her, through her messy slings of brown hair, and they hated her.

“Hey, guys,” she laughed with her mouth full of dripping eggs. “You want to see what you’re going to look like soon?” Without waiting for an answer, she stuck out her tongue and crossed her eyes, as if she could look down at the mesh of white slop in front of her face. Then she pushed it back into her mouth with her thumb, slowly running her fingernail across the outer rim of her lips. “…I think it’ll be a definite improvement.”

Bob and Guy swallowed.

“You r-really don’t want to eat us,” Bob stammered.

“Especially after what I just did in the milk,” Guy said. “…Twice.”

“What I ‘want’ to do?” May asked, cocking her head to the side as she did one more lap around her lips. “This isn’t about me. I don’t want to eat you at all.”

“…You don’t?”

“Of course not. You’re Men—filthy, loathsome creatures, all of you. You aren’t fit to clean my servants’ bathwater. And Dai Celesta knows where you’ve been. Probably crawling around in the sewers, looking to feast on whatever the bugs haven’t gotten to already.” She began to peel the crust from her toast and eat it in strands. “Some things aren’t fit for living. Some things are only useful when they’re turned into something else. You know what I mean?”

They shook their heads.

She leaned forward. “Take my skin, for example. It’s beautiful, isn’t it?”

They nodded.

“Do you know how many Men and veggies I had to consume to keep it so soft and flawless?” She smiled. “…A lot of Men and half as many veggies. You see, as living beings, you make me sick. Really sick. But as nutrients, as protein for my body, you are just what I need.”

“I should’ve known you only wanted me for my body,” Bob said.

“Ha… That’s about all you’re good for.”

“Oh, yeah!?” Guy threatened. “Well, we never trusted you since you purposely run us over in your carriage!”

“Yeah, you’re just a big, fat meanie,” Bob agreed.

May dropped her fork. “…Did you just call me fat?”

“Yeah!”

“A big, mean one,” Guy chimed in.

“I don’t workout for three hours a day to be called fat by my breakfast,” May said. “We’ll see who’s fat when your remains are sitting in my flesh.”

“In your big, fat flesh!”

Bob high-fived him. Then they found themselves banging against the side of the glass as May tilted it over her lips and began chugging. A torrent of white washed over them. They screamed and tried to swim against the current, but May tipped back in her chair until her glass was aimed almost directly at the ceiling. Bob and Guy lost against gravity. They fell and grabbed hold of her lips.

“Your big, fat lips,” Guy hollered through the sea of milk.

May dropped the chair to the floor and lowered the glass an inch. Then she belched, just a little bit, before pushing Bob and Guy back into the glass with her tongue. They landed in a puddle of leftover milk.

“Never…” she hissed. “Never…ever…call me fat.”

But Bob and Guy were too busy choking to pay much attention to what she had to say.

“At least she didn’t eat us,” Bob said.

“Oh, I’m going to eat you,” May snapped, picking up the fork again. “But first I’m going to finish these eggs so you have a nice little cushion of pain to sit on as my acids tear you apart. Then you’ll see what natural selection is all about and why you were chosen to be the losers this time around. Good luck in reincarnation, you worthless pigs.”

Guy leaned into Bob’s ear. “I think she’s angry.”

“Our ingenious plan is working. Soon she’ll be so exhausted that she’ll fall asleep and forget all about eating.”

“We’re too smart.”

“I know. We should get our own TV show or something.”

“Eggs are done!” May said, swiping her arm across the table. The plate shattered to the floor and she wrapped her fingers around the glass again. Then she brought her other hand around and interlocked her fingers, sealing the men between a wall of glass and human flesh. “And now, so are you.”

“Wait, wait, this isn’t part of the script.”

“At least, no script we wrote into the game,” Bob said.

“Well, allow me to tell you how it ends,” May said, bringing the glass to eye level. “…You lose.”

“Sir, we have to do something,” Wallace said.

“There’s nothing we can do for them.”

“…And she lives happily ever after,” May said, opening her mouth. That dark cavern, rank with the fresh stench of eggs and milk, welcomed Bob and Guy before it smiled and closed on them forever. They watched their world darken and knew nothing of the other side. Then, before they could scream, the invisible hands of fate seemed to grab them and pull them down her gullet.

Sighing, May reached for a napkin and politely dabbed the corners of her lips. “I do so love happy endings.”

Russell and Wallace looked on in horror. Then they dropped back into the sink and, for the first time, realized how big the world around them really was.

“Madness…” Wallace said. “She really ate them, sir. With no concern about who they were or might have been.”

But the expression of terror still hadn’t left Russell’s face. “What kind of game have I created here…?”

“I don’t think it’s a game anymore, sir. Without parents, these children can do whatever they want.”

“But they’re not real! We created them. We’re their parents.”

“With all due respect, sir, we’ve long since lost control of them…”

Russell shook his head. “We better abort the mission. Bob and Guy will be fine if we can get out before the digestion process begins.”

“I agree, sir… The others should have the password by now.” He paused and squinted at his old friend. “And I’m sure Sophia is worried about you.”

“…We’ve been out of communication range for too long. She’s probably a wreck. She has no idea what happened to us.”

“Let’s get back then, sir. Bob and Guy would understand.”

“Those bloody fools… What were they thinking?”

“I don’t think they were.”

Behind them, they heard cracking glass as May stood up and stretched. She did a few arm-twists to stir up her digestive fluids, and then she looked down at the shattered remains of the plate. “What a mess… Where’s that maid to clean this up?”

Then she saw something—a tiny figure curled up in the fetal position by the leg of the table. The Rat lie there, still unconscious, with shards of glass all around.

“Hello,” May said, bending down to pick him up. “What is this?”