Neverquest – Part 135

Characters: Duchess May, Russell, Wallace, and the Rat
Location: The kitchen of the House of Femmington
Time: Day 5 – Early morning


“You know, I hate when Men play dead. I’d rather them do it for real.”

“Murrghh… huh?”

The Rat opened his eyes to the wonderful sight of a toothpick protruding out of his chest. He screamed, clasping his hands around it, and tried to rip the sharp needle from his skin. But it was jammed tightly between his ribs, just enough that it had his heart pinned to the side. He gasped, laying his head back. Blood poured down his arms.

May plucked another toothpick from her lips and slowly grinded it into the Rat’s kneecap. “You don’t look very dead. Why aren’t you talking?”

“P-please… … I use…that leg… for w-walking…”

“Guess you’re going to have to use your arms for now on. You can be like a little monkey, waddling around on your hands and shaking your naked butt in the air.”

The Rat started to speak, but all that came out of his lips were pools of blood. Gagging on his own makings, he turned his head to the side and threw up. The pain in his chest was only getting worse.

“This is how I started my butterfly collection,” May said, taking another toothpick from her mouth. “I’d catch a butterfly and pin it to the wall. I guess some people do it so they can admire its beauty…” She smiled and looked down at the Rat. “I do it so they won’t fly away.”

“You’re a…v-v-very sick Woman…”

“Yeah, but at least I can keep my guts inside my body. You haven’t seemed to master that art yet.”

The Rat’s eyes rolled to the top of his head and he tried to breathe again. “G-get this thing…out of me…”

“I’d sure love to, but it seems to have found its way into a place it doesn’t belong. Don’t you hate that? It’s almost like toothpicks have no manners at all. They just do whatever they want—even if it means invading your personal space.” She put her elbows on the elbow and leaned over the Rat, holding her chin right above him. “Know what I mean, toothpick?”

“Y-you got me…all wrong… I…I never w-wanted to come here… …”

“Mm, I bet you regret it now.”

The Rat choked. “It was these two guys… T-they owed me some money…”

“And so you followed them into my home?”

He nodded weakly.

May clicked her tongue. “That’s too bad. They were breakfast and you’re going to be the next butterfly on the wall. No money for you!”

“Ha… You ate them…?”

“Yeah. You want to see?”

The Rat laid his cheek on the table and spit out another mouthful of blood. “D-did…you get their friends, too?”

May’s eyebrows lifted. “Friends?”

“Y-yeah, yeah… They had friends… They were…c-coming to rescue them or something… All I wanted was my money… My money, see… …”

“Yeah, your money. Don’t care. Tell me more about these ‘friends.’”

“Get this t-t-thing out of f-first… I don’t trust you.”

May rested her elbow on the toothpick and gently pushed down. “I bet this hurts you a lot more than me.”

The Rat’s eyes nearly bulged out of his head as blood began to squirt everywhere. He howled, kicking the leg that wasn’t broken, and began to cuss in every language he knew.

“Alright, alright!” he cried. “I’ll t-tell you! I’ll t-tell you everything.”

May rested her chin on her hand and rocked back and forth on the toothpick. “Oh, do tell.”

“Y-you’re…crushing me!”

“Yes, I suppose I am.”

The Rat’s lips quivered. Blood…everywhere… He could feel it frothing in his lungs.

“P-please…” he begged, his voice so meek that even he couldn’t hear it. “I’ll tell you… Tell you…every…thing… …”

May pressed down a little harder. That was all it took. The toothpick snapped and so did the Rat’s ribs. They shattered, along with the rest of him, and May lifted her arm to the mess of blood and body and splintered wood that dotted the table.

Then she laughed. “The maid can clean that up.”

Meanwhile, Russell and Wallace had just managed to climb onto the back of the sink. When they saw what May had done to the Rat, though, they quickly found a place to hide behind the water faucet. From there, they watched as May wiped her elbow on the back of the chair and stood up, looking around the kitchen for something.

For them.

“I can’t believe it, sir,” Wallace said. “He ratted us out—all for a couple pieces of worthless gold.”

Russell peered around the faucet. “Yeah, the fool spilled his guts for nothing. Now they’re all over the place.”

“What are we going to do?”

“We’re going to find a way out of here. I didn’t work my way to the top of the social ladder to become part of that brat’s balanced breakfast.”

“I got that much, sir. …Did you have a plan?”

“A few.”

Wallace was silent for a moment. “Any that will work?”

“Define ‘work.’”

“Well, sir, I was hoping we might survive this ordeal. I would like to see my family again.”

“Aye…” Russell muttered. Then he nodded and curled his fingers into a fist. “Aye, Wallace. Let’s see our families again.”

They both peeked out from the faucet and watched as May stretched next to the table, like she was getting ready to workout. She didn’t even seem to be looking for them anymore—if she ever was.

Wallace pulled his head back. “Well, we have one advantage, sir.”

“What’s that?”

“Our experience in raising teenage girls. We know how they work, how they think, how their minds and bodies operate. We know their strengths and all of their weaknesses. That should count for something.”

“Are you kidding me? The only thing I know about Sophia is that she plays her music too loud and forgets to shut the window when she sneaks out at night. Aside from that, I know nothing about teenage girls.”

“Well… You know not to invade their privacy.”

“I think we all know that now,” he said, recalling the Rat. “The poor bastard. She thinks we’re invading her territory.”

“In a way, we are, sir. This isn’t just her home—it’s her castle. Think about it…. She isn’t waiting to turn eighteen so she can finally run away; she’s the head of the household. She’s every father’s worst nightmare.”

“Yeah, and without any parents to spank her, this brat is going to think the world revolves around her.”

“Well, sir… We’re going to need a helluva big paddle to spank that girl.”

“All warmed up!” May said, doing one last stretch and then running her hands down the sides of her belly. “And since I’m obviously alone in this room, I suppose I can go upstairs and change my clothes without the worry of any Men trying to make it to my front door without me spotting them.” Then, smiling at nothing in particular, she walked away, making loud stomping noises as she marched up the stairs.

Russell and Wallace came out of hiding, a bit warily.

“I don’t like the tone of her voice,” Wallace side.

Russell nodded. “I don’t like the tone of her anything.”

“It must be a trap.”

“I don’t know… We didn’t see any trap coming in.”

“She could be waiting right around the corner. My girls used to do that sometimes… We’d play hide-and-seek and they’d pretend to run up the stairs and really be hiding behind them.”

“And this girl is just the kind of little devil to play that switch on us.”

“I agree, sir.”

“And we know we can’t outrun her…”

“Or outpower her.”

“Probably not outsmart her either.”

“Aye.”

“Wallace…”

“Yes, sir?”

Russell looked at him. “We’re screwed.”

“Aye.”

“Damn this!” He slammed his fist against the faucet. “We can’t let this brat beat us. There has to be a way around her.”

“Around her…”

That’s when they both heard the sound. It was a gentle sound, like the wind breathing through cotton, and they slowly craned their necks to see curtains flapping over their heads. For a moment, they were blinded by the dazzling rays of light from outside. Then they realized what it meant.

“Looks like Sophia isn’t the only one to forget to shut the window,” Wallace said, smiling.

“Thank God for poor parenting.”