Neverquest – Part 138

Characters: Vic, Eric, Cain, ???
Location: A swamp somewhere in Kaligar
Time: Day 5 – Morning


For over twelve hours now, Vic, Eric, and Cain had been drifting along a river aboard a makeshift raft. They took turns sleeping—one curled up under a leaf blanket in the middle of the raft while the other two paddled using broken twigs—but they were all awake by dawn. All through the night, they listened to the sounds of the Enchanted Forest, the hungry growls and lonesome cries of nearby creatures, watching them from a distance. And they made sure never to steer too close to the shore, for fear of being swiped up by whatever horror lurked in the dark brush…

But with the rising sun, sending orange embers through the treetops, they no longer feared the darkness. They no longer feared the creatures of the forest either because all life around them seemed dead. The only sounds they heard were from the mosquitoes, buzzing by like noisy clouds overhead, and the clumps of toads that sat perched on hanging logs and watched them float by. Other than that, they were alone. All around them, the old trees were crooked and sagging, brought down by age and years of moisture and moss that fell like withered hair down their spines. Cracked stones were buried in the muck and even the water had turned ugly, with its splintered cattails and tiny water spiders skimming across the surface.

Our heroes looked around, wondering where they were, if Lynne and her ninjas were still following, if they could find a way home…

But there was one question in particular that none of them could answer.

“What are we going to eat?” Cain asked.

Vic looked at him. “What?”

“I’m starving. This dwarf needs to eat something, but I don’t think we’re going to find a five-star restaurant around here.”

“I don’t think we’re going to find anything around here…”

“I vote we eat the Elf then.”

“Hold on, guys,” Eric said, sniffing the air around him. “My superior senses are picking up on a faint odor.”

Cain covered his armpits. “Hey, don’t look at me.”

“I’m not.”

“Don’t be sniffing me either.”

“It’s not you, Cain.”

“Damn right it’s—”

Eric slapped a hand over his mouth. “Roasted pork.”

“Woas’ed worf?” Cain said in a muffled voice.

“And gravy. I smell lots of gravy.” He took another whiff. “And…Cain, stop drooling on my hand.”

“Sorwee.”

“Where do you smell this stuff coming from?” Vic asked.

He pointed to the south, where the hill they were sailing dipped out of sight. “Over there. I smell fire, too.”

“That means somebody cooking’s something.”

“And it’s not us this time.”

Cain pulled his mouth away. “Dang, and I was really hoping for some Elf burgers…”

Picking up their paddles, they quickly pushed the raft ashore and dragged it far enough into the muck that it wouldn’t float away. Then they turned their noses to the south.

“Wait,” Cain said. “What if a bunch of women are cooking the food? I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but most of them don’t take too kindly to dinner guests.”

Eric slapped him on the shoulder. “Relax, O’ Bearded One. We’re not going to let them see us. We’ll simply sneak in, take what we want, and leave. They won’t even know we’re there. This way nobody gets hurt and nobody goes hungry.”

They kept walking, but Cain stopped for a moment to glare and mutter something under his breath. “Yeah, like that’s really going to happen now that you’ve pointed out the possibility for something to go wrong. What kind of stories have you been reading?”

Suddenly, Eric froze. “Wait! Don’t move. I sense my Elven senses sense something suspicious.”

“What?”

“I said—I sense my Elven senses sense something suspicious.”

“One more time! And this time, faster.”

“I said, I sense my Elven senses sense somese…gah! I can’t do it.”

“Haha, you suck.”

Vic grabbed Eric by the arm. “What do you sense?”

“With my Elven senses?”

“Yes.”

“I’m not sure. It’s something…foul.”

“Yeah, sorry,” Cain said, joining them. “That was me this time.”

“No, that’s not quite it. It smells almost like a booby—”

Suddenly, a net sprung out of the ground and wrapped around them, sending them flying up towards the treetops. They screamed, their bodies mashed together and their limbs unable to fit through the holes of the net, and they soon found themselves dangling about ten feet off the ground.

Cain grunted. “I almost liked where you were going with that sentence.”

“Sorry.”

Vic grabbed hold of the net and tried to rip it open. “…I think we’re really up a tree this time, guys. This is some strong rope.”

“My axe can cut through anything,” Cain said.

“Well, your axe is busy cutting through my shin right now.”

“You don’t want to know where your sword is cutting me,” Eric said, closing his eyes. “But it really, really hurts.”

“Not enough if you’re still breathing,” Cain muttered.

“And what’s that supposed to mean?”

“You led us right into a trap! Some Ranger you are. You can’t sense a trap until you’re in it.”

“Hey, it’s your fat ass that set it off. I told you not to move.”

“You’re lucky I can’t move or it’s your shin my axe would be going into!”

“That’s enough!” Vic snapped. “We’re never going to get out of here if you two keep arguing like that.”

“Oh, I’m sorry. Did the pansy Paladin have a better idea?”

“First off, I'm a Knight. Second off, we could ask her for help.”

“Who?”

Vic pointed.

“Um…idiot, we can’t see. We’re facing the other way.”

“Hang on. We’ll swing the net around…”

Working together, they threw their weight back and forth so that they were able to keep the net swinging. It circled around a few times and each of the men got a turn at having their jaws drop all ten feet to the ground. There, a short distance downhill, was a girl washing her clothes in a small pool of water. She wasn’t naked, but she might as well have been, wearing shorts that were cut-off about a quarter of the way down her thighs and a bright orange chemise that she had only buttoned once. She had her tanned back—and another thing—to them, while she was bent over with her hair falling like golden rain over the pool.

Then she stood up, wearing only sandals in the dirt, and arched one perfectly toned leg over the pool while she folded her laundry.

They stared at her, gawking, while the net wheeled around one more time.

“Tell me we’re dead,” Cain whispered, “because I’m ready for my angel to come pick me up.”

Eric’s lips quivered, the way an idiot does when he babbles on. “…I don’t know what my Elven senses have picked up this time, but they’re certainly pointing in the right direction.”

“Well, hang on, guys,” Vic said. “If she’s washing her clothes here, that probably means she lives nearby. And if she lives nearby, that probably means she’s the one who built this trap. And if she built this trap…”

“Stop talking,” Cain said. “You’re ruining the moment.”

“Think she can hear us from here?” Eric asked.

“Only one way to find out.”

They opened their mouths, but all that came out were three screams. The net had been cut. They tumbled down, falling into a sack that was quickly tied, and felt themselves being thrown over somebody’s shoulder.

“Hot dog, sis!” came an annoyingly high-pitched female voice. “We caught us three mo’ live ones.”

Vic, Eric, and Cain never stopped screaming.