Neverquest – Part 149

Characters: Vic, Eric, Cain, ???
Location: A rickety cabin, somewhere in the swampland of Kaligar
Time: Day 5—Afternoon

Brenda kneeled down next to her sister and placed the uncaged Men between her legs. “If y’all are whatcha say you are, why ain’t you wearing pixie uniforms?”

“Probably for the same reason you and your hick sister have names and personalities that don’t even fit this time period,” Cain muttered.

“What?”

Vic quickly jumped in. “He means we’re more modern day pixies.”

“Yeah,” Eric said. “We dress as we please.”

“And you choose to wear green tights and that stupid hat?” Mel asked.

“…Well, I never said we had many options available to us.”

“Maybe he’s one of them merry men,” Brenda said. “You know, like that Robin Hobb fella. I hear he has more offspring than a beanstalk.”

“Yeah!” Mel turned to the ranger. “I recognize those clothes now. Is your name Legolas?”

Eric sighed.

“I bet it is. We call everybody in our family the same thing so we don’t hafta remember a bunch of names, too.”

“Look, I’m not—”

“Are all of the merry men pixies like you?”

“I thought they were fairies,” Brenda laughed.

“Naw, sis. They don’t have wings.”

“That was a joke, sis.”

“Well, ‘scuse me. How am I supposed ‘ta know that?”

“Look, ladies,” Vic said. He drew their attention to the floor. “We’re very busy pixies. Can we just grant your wishes and be on our way?”

“Oh, fine.” Mel bit her lip and then sucked on it, thinking. “I don’t suppose y’all can change my name.”

Brenda hit her shoulder. “They can’t do that, sis! Only Ma can.”

“Well, Ma ain’t here. And I’m sick of being called ‘sis’ all the time.”

“But isn’t your name ‘Mel’…?” Eric asked.

She gasped and fell back, awestricken. “Ya…y’all did it! You even changed the past to make it seem like that’s always been my name.”

There was silence for a moment.

Then Cain spoke up.

“…Holy shit,” he said. “You, ma’am, are a moron.”

“Them are miracle workers…”

“That’s one wish!” Eric said, raising a single finger.

Brenda frowned. “Aw, shucks. We only get one more?”

Eric looked at his hand, still in the air. “Um… You get three.”

“So… One more?”

Again, Eric looked at his hand, one finger in the air…and he slowly raised two more. “Uh…”

“Don’t you be tryin’ to cheat us,” Brenda warned. “We may not be educated, but me and sis know how to count.”

Mel elbowed her. “Hey, that’s not my name anymore.”

Cain threw down Eric’s hand. “Yes, one more wish, ladies! One plus one definitely equals three.”

“We know that!”

“Make it a good one, sis,” Mel said.

“Okay, ummm…”

Five minutes later, drool was coming out of Brenda’s mouth.

Cain was on his back, hoping the ceiling would cave in on them all. “…Seriously, woman. If you can’t think of one, I have a wish that would benefit everybody in this room.”

“Quiet! I’m thinking.”

“Could’ve fooled me.”

Eric put his hand over Cain’s mouth. “Shh. Do you want to get us killed?”

Nodding, Cain pushed the elf’s hand away. “There are things worse than death.”

“I wish you two would shut up so I can think!” Brenda said, holding her head. Her brain was about to explode.

Cain jumped to his feet. “Done! Wish granted. Time for us to go home.”

Brenda sat there on her knees, stunned, and quickly inhaled the thread of drool extending from her lip when she realized what she had done. “Aw, rumplebuttskin… Y’all tricked me.”

“Babe, trust me… We didn’t even try.”

“Hmph. Well, I don’t care! Y’all are stupid little pixies anyway.”

“Yeah, we’re the stupid ones.”

“Cain, stop that,” Eric said. “These nice ladies were just about to let us go.”

Vic nodded. “Yes. Mel, Brenda… We thank you kindly for your hospitality.” He started for the door with his friends. “Um…enjoy the new name?”

Brenda glared after them. “Well then, away with you! Shoo. Y’all will get gobbled up out there anyway.”

“Like hell we will.” Cain let out a belly laugh. “Stupid bitch, we’ve done the impossible. If we can escape from a pack of highly-skilled ninjas, two hicks like you and all the creatures of the forest couldn’t stop us.”

“There’s just one problem with that theory.”

“And what’s that?” Cain laughed, turning around. But both Brenda and Mel were looking up and past him, and neither of them had spoken a word.

As a shadow washed over him, he felt his throat stiffen and then shut, as if some imaginary hands of fate had come up from behind and killed his moment of joy. Cold red lips whispered in his ear.

“…You couldn’t escape from us,” they said.

The same hands that had silenced his laughter now forced him to turn around and he stood, shoulder-to-shoulder with Eric and Vic, looking into the eyes of Lynne and her band of ninjas.

“How the fuck did you—”

Lynne slammed her knee down, instantly crushing Cain under its weight. He let out a huge wheeze and then a series of grunts, trying to pry himself out from under her leg, but she had him pinned to the floor like a rock. It didn’t even matter how small he was; she was applying all the pressure she could to inflict the maximum pain…without killing him. Even Cain’s head and hands, which hadn’t been smashed under her knee, were frozen in place. All he could was stare into her face—sweat-covered strands of blue hair clinging to her cheek—and feel the life being forced out of him.

“I normally don’t like my job,” she said, brushing the loose hair back, “but every now and then I come across a group of Men who really get my juices pumping.” She smiled, beads of sweat falling from her eyelashes, and it was obvious she hadn’t slept since they saw her last. “And for that special group of Men, I am willing to forget the quick and painless death I usually promise my enemy. Your deaths will be so slow that you can watch yourselves die.”

Mel stood up. “Hey, you can’t touch them! They’re pixies.”

“Yeah,” Brenda said. She reached for a frying pan on the counter. “And this is our house. Y’all are not welcome here.”

Lynne didn’t even glance up. She just pointed a long fingernail towards the two hillbilly sisters and her ninjas moved in.

“Get back, you weirdos!”

In less than thirty seconds, Brenda and Mel were on their knees again, hands and ankles tied behind their backs, and the black-suited ninjas stood over them like shadows.

Brenda felt the weight of one of the ninjas planting a foot on her spine. “Who are you people!? Why are you in our house?”

Lynne leaned forward on her knee, cutting off Cain’s air supply for a minute, and finally stood to face the girls. Cain lay at her feet, gasping, and Eric and Vic quickly helped him up.

“I am Lynne of the Blades of Kaligar,” she said, but it was anything but an introduction. She was arrogant and said it as if she was talking to herself, carefully adjusting her long, blue, and fingerless glove. “I hope the two of you realize you have been harboring fugitives.”

“You’re mad!” Mel snapped. “There isn’t a harbor for at least a hundred miles.”

Lynne was not amused. “…Lady, I hunt Men for a living. Playing stupid won’t save you.”

“They’re not playing,” Eric whispered.

“I don’t care who you are,” Brenda said. “You can’t just be breakin’ into people’s homes.”

“As a matter of fact—” Lynne snapped her glove closed. “—I can. I work directly under the command of Princess Erika herself.” Stepping forward, she grabbed a chunk of Brenda’s blonde hair and yanked her head up. “That means I own you.”

“We should probably run,” Vic said. But there were at least two ninjas covering the door.

“…I have a better idea,” Cain grunted. He was still out of breath, but he reached for his axe and tried to hold it steady in his hands. “Let’s kick her ass.”

“You’re drunk.”

“Ha. I wish.”

Eric checked his quiver for arrows. “You know…as crazy as it sounds, I think I’m with Cain this time.” He plucked out the best arrow he could find. “Lynne killed Joan without a reason… Raven, too. We owe it to the girls to at least put up a fight.”

“Like Joan did for us…” Vic nodded. He took note of the locations of all the ninjas in the room. Two by the door, three standing in front of Lynne, and an indeterminable number surrounding the cabin on the outside just in case anybody tried to make a daring escape. “…Well, it looks like we have about the same odds as her, at any rate.”

Eric nocked his bow. “We’ve gotten out of worse messes.”

“And we just seem to get right back into them.”

“Aye,” Cain said. He thought for a moment and then pushed Eric forward. “After you, elf.”

“Hey, why should I go first?”

“Haven’t you heard? Rangers are the new marines.”

Lynne paid no mind to the Men. Her eyes were locked on the two sisters, glaring down at them with the same look of disgust she gave to all those closer to the ground than her. “…Do you know the punishment for giving refuge to runaway Men?”

“Golly,” Mel said. “We was just gawna eat ‘em.”

Brenda tried to shush her, but it was too late.

“Were you now?” Lynne smirked. “…Tell me. Do you have a permit to own Men?”

“No…”

“Do you have a permit to hunt Men? To consume them?”

Mel looked at the floor. She knew what was coming next.

“By decree of Princess Erika, the possession, smuggling, and/or consumption of Men without a permit is strictly forbidden and all violators are punishable by death without trial.” Still smiling, Lynne walked past the sisters and held her back to them. “…Now, because these Men are escaped convicts, I could be swayed to believe that you unknowingly stumbled across them in your travels, captured them, and were simply in the process of holding them until the proper authorities could arrive.”

“Yeah! We like that ide—”

“Unfortunately, I can’t help but notice your Men are free to roam the house. Without a proper cage to keep them in, why—what’s a devoted soldier of Kaligar to think?”

“They were in a cage! The cage is right over there.”

“I’m afraid I don’t see any cage.”

Brenda stared at her. The cage was right at Lynne’s feet. “How can you not see it…?”

“Because you people are invisible to me. You build your homes in this putrid swamp and refuse to sell your land back to the royal family.” She curled her fingers around the hilt of her blade. “Kaligar has the potential to be bigger than Ellewyn someday. If Princess Erika wasn’t so set on pleasing the little peons like you, she could buy out this whole kingdom in the blink of an eye. Then she could build cities, with real roads to connect them, and I wouldn’t have to spend my days wading through your backwater lands in search for outlaws and runaways.”

“Maybe that’s why she rules this land and you just work it.”

Lynne’s eyebrow raised. “That voice…" She turned towards the door—maybe to command her ninjas to attack—but one of them was already down and the other was in the newcomer’s grasp. She knew who it was, even before seeing the face behind that blue hair. “…Kamilla. You’re still alive.”

“Surprised or disappointed?”

“Well, I’m certainly not disappointed. The price on your head goes up every day.” Lynne stepped between Mel and Brenda and brushed them aside like leaves. “You must be worth—what now? Five copper? Six?”

“One hundred and twenty gold pieces.”

Lynne laughed. “Quite a sum for one who eats from the trash, don’t you think?”

“I’m worth it.” The newcomer, holding the semi-conscious ninja in a headlock, inched her way into the cabin. “Which is more than can be said for the clowns you’re traveling with now.” When she was in all the way, she kicked the door shut and then squeezed the ninja’s neck, knocking her out almost instantly. “I knew it was your dream, but you really should’ve told me you were running a circus, Lynne.”

The ninja slumped to the floor.

Kamilla lowered her arms. “I would’ve brought peanuts.”

“…Tsk,” Lynne said. “Now why’d you have to go and do that?”

“Relax. She’ll be fine.”

“Oh, I know she will be. But I have my doubts about you.”

Ignoring her threat, Kamilla glanced down at the Men at her feet and the girls bound on the floor. “…I see you’re still picking unfair fights, Lynne.”

“Well, you know my philosophy.”

“Yes, yes… How’d that go again? ‘Never pick a fight unless you’re sure to win’?”

“I wouldn’t be knocking it. It’s what’s kept me alive after all these years.”

With a furtive grin, Kamilla spread her arms to show she wasn’t showing any signs of being dead either. She was wearing a pasty white tunic—one that was cut at the shoulders and supported by a thick leather belt from her waist—as well as fingerless gloves that resembled the ones Lynne wore, except that they were red instead of blue. Her boots, as well, were red and laced up as far up as her thighs. Despite the layers, her clothes were skin-tight and flexible, making her every moment sing like the music of the wind.

“Me too,” she said. A practically unused katana hung from her belt. “And I’m the one everybody wants to see dead.”

“So why don’t you fulfill their wishes?” Lynne scoffed. “Isn’t that what you’re good at?”

Kamilla shrugged. “I’m pretty good with a sword, too.”

Smugly, Lynne gestured for her ninjas to attack and lowered her own blade. “Not that good.”

Two of the ninjas advanced towards the door. Vic, Eric, and Cain saw them just in time and scattered in opposite directions. It was a good thing, too, because the ninjas paid no attention to where they planted their feet; they were going straight for Kamilla.

She just smiled as they came. Above her head, mounted on the wall as if it belonged there, was a rather large deer head. She waited for the ninjas to get close enough before wrapping her fingers around the deer’s antlers and throwing her body forward. The ninjas lunged forward, but she quickly tucked her legs into her chest, missing the swish of their swords, and curled her body towards the ceiling. Her feet touched the wall as gently and poised as a spider on its web.

Before the ninjas could react and before she was done moving, she twisted her arms around and tore the deer head from the wall. Its antlers came down and clotheslined the ninjas. Their bodies were shadows in the air before they hit the floor, anything but gracefully. Then Kamilla landed, with her knees on their chests, and knocked them unconscious with a single thwack from her elbow.

“Yeah,” she said, looking up at Lynne. “That good.”

“…Hm.” Lynne waved her last ninja forward.

She didn’t get as far as the other. Vic and Cain had swiped some of the rope used to tie up the hillbilly sisters and made a trap of their own. Standing on opposite sides of the ninja, they yanked the string just as the ninja was stepping forward and snagged her foot.

She caught herself on her hands, though, and attempted to do a front flip, but the men were too quick. Moving back and crisscrossing paths, they turned the rope into a knot and managed to snare the underside of the ninja’s foot. With nothing holding her up, she was forced to do a faceplant into the floorboards.

“Yeah!” Cain hooted. “Ninjas suck, bitch.” When he realized her feet couldn’t speak back, he marched over to her face and prodded her with his stubby little finger. “You heard me. Ninjas suck.”

Vic grabbed his arm. “Come on, she’s only stunned!”

“No. I’m enjoying this.”

“Cain! Move it.”

Cain undid his belt buckle and mooned the ninja. “Eat me. You know you want to.”

“…Seriously, Cain. They didn’t need an invitation last time.”

Above them, Lynne was scowling, but all her attention was on the stranger who had walked in the door and made throw rugs of her ninjas.

“…I was wrong before,” she said at last.

Kamilla stood up. “How’s that?”

“I am disappointed. I was going to wait until the reward for your head was a little higher before I did you in, sis.”

“Why wait?”

“…Draw your weapon.”

Kamilla patted the hilt of her katana. “Nah, I like it where it is. Don’t want to be poking any eyes out, you know.”

“Draw it now!”

“What’s the matter? I thought you liked one-sided battles.” Kamilla saw into her eyes and smirked. “Or maybe you don’t want to live with the shame of losing to an unarmed Woman.”

“You’re never unarmed, Kamilla.”

“What is it then? Surely you have no honor, or you wouldn’t be here.”

“I could say the same for you.” Lynne’s scowl turned to rage and she kicked the ninja on the floor, flipping her over. “You can’t keep taking our bounties. We all have to make a living.”

“Aye. We do.”

“…Eventually, even you won’t be able to walk these lands without looking over your shoulder all the time.”

“I look forward to the day. In the meantime, I’ll be taking those Men to Princess Erika myself.” She stepped forward. “I know you won’t mind.”

Lynne leveled her blade to Kamilla’s throat. “Actually, I do mind. You will draw your weapon now, or you will die.”

“And if I do draw my weapon, you will die.” Kamilla smiled and pushed Lynne’s sword away with her pinky. “So be glad I won’t.”

“You will,” Lynne said, “or I will crush the Men where I stand. Unlike you, I don’t care about their well-being.”

“The feeling’s mutual, skank!” Cain yelled from the floor. He gave her the finger for extra measure.

Lynne looked down.

There was a twang and then a shrill whistle. Something pricked Lynne’s eye. At first, she thought it was just dust, but soon her eye began to water. She had been struck by a tiny arrow. Blurry-eyed, she didn’t see Eric ready his bow for a second shot.

That was all the time Kamilla needed. With Lynne distracted, she reached into a compartment in the back of her belt and pulled out a smoke bomb. Popping the lid off with her thumb, she grabbed the collar of Lynne’s tunic and stuffed the bomb into her shirt. Clouds of black smoke poured out.

As swift as the wind, Kamilla scooped up Eric, Cain, and Vic—one, two, three—and ducked out of the cabin. Lynne was too busy choking to hear them leave and too blinded to see them. She stumbled across the room, trying to get away from the sea of smoke, but it only seemed to follow her. Coughing, she slumped against the kitchen wall and flailed her arms. But the more smoke she blew away, the more that infiltrated her nostrils.

Finally, her thrashing knocked the canister from her bosom. It rattled across the floor and she kicked it away, still choking, and ran outside. Fresh air whisked across her cheeks.

Before she was even breathing normally, she was looking for a sign of Kamilla in the forest, but it was just as she expected. No trace of her anywhere.

With a hacking cough, she leaned against the cabin with her head on her forearm and grabbed a chunk of blue hair, twisting it in a knot around her fingers.

“…Kamilla,” she hissed.

Crawling out of the smoke, the ninja Vic and Cain had taken down now stood up and looked at Lynne. She seemed to be waiting for orders.

But Lynne was in no mood to give them. Still half-blinded by the smoke and arrow in her eye, she grinded her fingernails across her brow, not letting up for a moment, tearing away at the skin until streams of blood filled the cavities. Spit dribbled from her lips. She was practically foaming at the mouth.

“Kill them,” she growled. Her fingernails traced a bloody path from her forehead to her neck. When she felt the skin under her lips break away, she made a fist and smashed it into the wall. “Start with the two in the house and then hunt down that bitch and KILL HER! Make her bleed for me.” Her knees began to buckle. “I want her dead. I want…to rip her face off…” One leg hit the ground. Then the other. “Rip it off and make her eat it…” With her head dangling over her knees and her hair falling like rain, she suddenly broke down into tears.

The ninja stood for a moment longer. She didn’t speak a word of English, but she understood what Lynne was saying.

Once the smoke had cleared from the cabin, she raised her sword and entered again.