Neverquest – Part 156

Characters: Oscar, Duchess May
Location: The courtyard in the House of Femmington
Time: Day 5—Late afternoon

Oscar was a Man.

Oscar was also a fool—a hungry fool who liked the radishes in Duchess May’s garden. Every day, when the sun was at its highest, he would stroll into the courtyard with a wooden cart and a smile on his face.

“Hello!” he would say to the chipmunks who greeted him from atop their tall branches.

“Good day!” he would call out to the birds who welcomed him with a song.

They would never come right up to him, but they loved to watch him from a distance. How curious they must be to see a Man in a place as beautiful and serene as this!

When he finished smelling the flowers that grew along the path, he would walk to the garden, totting his little wooden cart, and spend all afternoon amongst the radishes. How he loved the radishes! They were like pieces of candy—red, crunchy, and delicious—and he would pile them high into his cart and carry them home before nightfall.

But today, on his way out of the garden, he came across something he wasn’t used to seeing. Hanging upside down from a tree, draped in nothing but animal skin, was a dark-haired, brown-eyed Woman. It had been years since he had seen one of those!

“Greetings, friend!” he said, bringing his cart to a halt. “What brings you to this magical place?”

The girl looked down at him. “…I own this ‘magical’ place. Who are you?”

“Oh, pardon me—my name is Oscar.” The young Man bowed. “You really must excuse my surprise, but I simply cannot believe that a land as wonderful and breathtaking as this could belong in the delicate white hands of a creature whose beauty even surpasses that of all the trees and fruit and animals around her. How can such splendor exist and not tear the very fabric of time from beneath our feet?”

“Was that a compliment?”

“As sure as I am a lover.”

“Lover or loser?”

Oscar laughed. “To have loved and lost—I know it well!”

“I’m sure you do.” The girl continued to dangle in the air. “…I see you like my radishes.”

“Oh, yes. Very well.” Oscar patted the vegetables in his cart. “Oh! But don’t worry. I have not come to hurt you or to trample this blessed land. I take only what I need to survive.”

“Uh-huh…”

“I believe in beauty untouched.”

“Well, how would you like to touch me?”

The radishes tumbled from Oscar’s cart.

“W-what!?” he exclaimed. “Why, I could never—”

“In case you haven’t noticed, which is perfectly reasonable considering your obvious lack of intelligence, I am stuck in this tree.”

“But I heard all goddesses come from above.”

The girl hissed between her front teeth. “…Okay, perhaps I didn’t make myself very clear. You will free me from this cursed tree or I will smite you where you stand for attempting to steal food from my garden.”

Oscar gulped. “I took you for a gentle goddess…”

“If you cut me down, I will be gentle.”

“Right!” Oscar dashed over to the trunk of the tree and began to climb. “Fear not, my loving goddess—I am coming to for you!”

When he reached the branch that the girl was hanging from, he carefully made his way towards her feet as if he was walking across a tightrope.

“I think I see the problem!” he called out. “There’s a vine wrapped around your ankles.”

“…Yes, I gathered that. Do you think you could undo the knot—or is that too complicated for you?”

“I can do you one better, my goddess.” Oscar pulled a small carving knife from behind his belt. “This is what I use to cut the roots from your divine radishes.” He immediately started digging into the vine.

“No, wait—!” the girl cried out, but it was too late. The vine snapped in half and she went hurdling towards the ground.

With the reflexes of a cat, she threw her knees into her chest, did a flip in midair, and landed on her feet with unmatched poise—although her scowling face said otherwise.

Oscar was in awe.

“That was amazing!” he cheered. “You even plummet towards the earth with grace. I only wish I knew your name.”

“My name is May. And I really must thank you for freeing me.”

“It was nothing, my Goddess May.”

“…No, you don’t understand.” Whirling around, she threw her leg back and struck the tree with a powerful roundhouse kick. A crack was heard, which quickly traveled up the trunk of the tree and caused the branch Oscar was on to break away. He fell directly into the waiting hands of May.

“I really must thank you,” she repeated, brushing the fallen branch away with her foot.

“…What do you mean?”

“There were two Men—short and stupid like you—running around here not too long ago. Did you see them?”

“I-I saw nothing, goddess,” Oscar stammered. “I only came to get some radishes for supper… I swear by the moon!”

“And how did you get in my garden in the first place?”

“I made a home for myself in the outer wall about a year ago. I…didn’t know you lived here. I didn’t know anybody lived here.”

With a smile and then a sigh, May leaned back against the tree. “Oh, Oscar, what are we going to do? Those Men caused me such trouble. They put me in a tree as if I were an animal.”

“Maybe I could find them for you,” Oscar suggested.

“Though I suppose we’re all animals, aren’t we?”

“Mm…” Oscar squirmed in her grasp. His head was beginning to puff up like a balloon. “Goddess May, I do believe you are crushing my fragile ribcage…”

May glanced down at him. “I’m going to find those Men, you know. I won’t underestimate them again.”

“I…I’m sure you’ll give them whatever they deserve. But really, if you could just—”

“That’s where I messed up. I was too merciful.” She tightened her fingers. “I’ve let myself become as weak as the prey I’m used to hunting.”

“If…I may…”

“What happened to ‘Goddess’ May?”

“Y-you promised to be gentle with me,” Oscar gasped.

“Oh… Did I?”

“Yes!”

“Did you believe me at the time?”

Oscar’s body froze. “…What?”

“How about now?” May raised her arm and dangled him between her eyes. “Do you believe me now?”

Oscar looked down. The ground was moving in dizzying circles beneath him.

“I…don’t believe you’ll let me fall,” he said. But he wasn’t so sure.

“Aw. You’re probably right.” May hooked her finger around the back of his shirt. “…I wouldn’t want you to end up like those radishes.”

“Radishes? My radishes?”

“First of all, those are my radishes. I planted them, I grew them, and they’re mine to eat when and how I choose.” Allowing Oscar a bird’s eye view of what she was about to do, May turned around and smashed her foot over the small wooden cart. The planks cracked like toothpicks and the radishes splattered over the dirt path. “…Now they’re your radishes.”

Oscar felt his tongue crawl into the back of his throat.

“…I should’ve stayed in bed today, shouldn’t I?” he asked meekly.

“No. You never should’ve been born.” May wiped her heels on the bark of the tree behind her and looked at the Man in her grasp. “How many of my radishes do you suppose you’ve taken from me over the course of the past year? Hmm?”

“M-maybe ten or eleven…” Oscar closed his eyes and tried to hide his face in May’s palm. “…Hundred.”

May nodded. “And did you ever think how you were going to pay me back for all of those radishes?”

“Well, I was thinking we could arrange some kind of…lifetime payment plan?”

“Hm… I like it.”

Oscar opened his eyes slowly. “…Really?”

“Sure. You can pay off your debts in one easy installment.”

“Oh! Yes, yes—I can pay in full. I keep a lot of gold under my mattress. How much do I owe you?”

“One.”

“One?” Oscar blinked. “One gold?”

“No, stupid.” She pinched her fingers around his head. “One life.”

Oscar’s pupils suddenly grew bigger that the radishes he had attempted to steal. “I…I don’t… You can’t… No, I pay my taxes!”

“Shut up. You talk more than my breakfast.”

“You know, I’m beginning to think you’re not a very gentle goddess!”

May flicked him into the air. He flew up, screaming and flailing his legs, as if it would do any good, and plummeted towards her open mouth. He didn’t touch her lips. He didn’t graze himself against any of her razor-sharp teeth or even bounce against the cushion of her tongue. She had thrown him so perfectly that he passed by them all and fell straight to the back of her throat, where she swallowed him as effortlessly as taking a breath.

“I am gentle,” she said. She calmly reached up and brushed the bangs from her eyes. “I could’ve chewed.”