Characters: Joan, Raven, Vic, Eric, Cain
“Lemme see! Lemme see!” Joan cried, snatching the scepter from Raven’s hands. She tapped her fingers against the hollow diamond cap, trying to draw the attention of the three men stuffed inside, but they were already well aware of her presence. “They’re so cute. Do you think they want out?”
“No, they look really comfortable in there,” Raven said.
“Oh…well, okay!”
“…Joan.”
“Yes?”
“Open the damn cap.”
Joan unscrewed the cap and turned the scepter upside down, shaking the men out onto her palm. They fell as one, finally separating their limbs when they smacked against her warm flesh. “Hi, guys. You’re free now.”
“Aaaaaaahhh, oy! Ten-thousand hours will give you such a crick in the neck!” Vic said, stretching his sore muscles. “Whoa, does it feel good to be out of there!”
“Methinks we weren’t in there more than ten hours,” Eric said.
Cain pounded his fist. “Well, methinks I’m going to kill that bitch for putting us in there!”
Joan continued to stare down at the men in her palm and waved at them with her free hand. “Um… Hi, guys.”
“It’s your fault we were in there in the first place,” Vic grumbled. “You and your big, hairy, ale-stained mouth.”
“I’ll show you big and hairy!”
“Oh, God, not the pants!” Eric slapped his hands over his eyes.
Raven lowered her eyes to the level of Joan’s hand and flicked Cain, knocking him over with little resistance. “We’re talking to you, newbs.”
One by one, the guys turned their heads to face Raven and then looked over their shoulders at Joan’s face beaming down at them.
“What are newbs like you doing off Newbie Island?” Raven asked with her usual deadpan face.
“Psst, that’s Raven from school,” Vic whispered to his companions.
“Raven, the goth bitch who cuts the eyeballs out of men’s magazines?” Cain hissed. “Raven, the psychopath who got suspended for worshiping Satan in math class last year!?”
Vic could only nod.
“What about the one holding us?”
“Joan, the ditz.”
“Oh, great, as if this game didn’t suck enough already.”
“What are we going to do?” Eric asked. “We’re nerds in the real world. If they recognize us, they’re sure to end our lives here! Everybody hates nerds but a fellow nerd.”
“Everybody hates newbs, you mean. It won’t matter if they recognize us or not!”
“Maybe we could tell them that we’re on the football team.”
“I don’t even know how to play football.”
“Is that the game where you stand in a circle and kick around a beanbag?”
“That’s hackysack, stupid.”
“I thought it was soccer.”
“They’re staring at us! Think of something!”
“I’m not the smart one!”
“One of us has to be the smart one.”
“I was it last time.”
“You haven’t been smart since you inhaled that whole tube of glue back in second grade.”
“Hey, don’t make fun of me. I just got that thing taken out last week.”
“No, they’re going to kill us!” Eric screamed, flailing his arms.
“I think they’re deaf,” Raven said. “Or really stupid. What do you want to do with them?”
Joan tilted her head to the side and bit her lower lip in thought. “Hmmm…”
“…Please,” Raven sighed. “I know what you want to do with them.”
“No, you don’t!”
“Yes, I do.”
“No!”
“Joan. You want to eat them. You always want to eat them.”
Joan stuck her lip out. “Well, maybe I was thinking which recipe I wanted to use.” She pretended to think it over for a minute while Raven stared at her. “…Newb Soup is always good!”
“Yeah, I could go for some of that myself.”
“You want to boil the water?”
“Sure.”
Joan took off her knapsack, sliding the strap over her bare shoulder, and tossed it to Raven. Raven snapped it open, digging through its contents and throwing out two long swords, a wooden shield, three ruined bear pelts, some broken arrows, sixteen bat wings, a handful of gnoll eyes, and twelve beetle carapaces before finding the cooking pot.
“You know,” she said, “it’s amazing how much crap can fit in one bag.”
“And not even weigh you down!”
“Yeah… I’ll be right back. I’m going to get some water from the stream.”
Vic, Eric, and Cain looked at each other wildly as they realized what was going to happen to them. Joan’s hand was open and they could’ve easily jumped off, but they would’ve had nowhere to run. Not to mention what the fall would do to them.
“Aw, don’t look so scared,” Joan said, as if to comfort them. “I’m sure some Cleric will find you and revive you if you ask nicely.”
“But we’ll be in your stomach!” Vic cried out.
“Not forever,” Joan grinned. “Of course…when you do come out, I don’t suppose you’ll have much of a chance of a Cleric stumbling across you.”
“Now that’s just sick, woman.”
“This might be a good time to tell her who we are,” Eric suggested, but neither Vic nor Cain made a move. He realized it was up to him to set things right, by telling her the truth. “M’lady… I am Andy from the East Shore High football team. I’m a nickleback!”
“You’re a…what?”
“A…nickleback.”
“Isn’t that a band?”
“I…uh…” Eric looked to his friends for help, but they weren’t offering any.
“You don’t look like a football player,” Joan said, poking Eric in the belly. “You’re too stringy. But I bet you make great soup!”
“I’d beg to differ…”
“You can beg all you want. I like a good beggar.”
Eric dropped his arms to his side and turned around. “I tried, guys.”
“It’s alright,” Vic said with fake empathy. “You didn’t do any worse than we expected.”
“I didn’t see you coming up with any bright ideas!”
“I’m working on one right now.”
“What—laying there with your eyes closed like an idiot!?”
“Yeah, shhh. Maybe she won’t want to eat us if she thinks we’re dead.”
“Oh…good idea!” Eric said, performing a Feign Death onto Joan’s palm.
“Uh…guys, I can hear you plotting,” Joan said, but they were all curled up, pretending to be dead. “Okay, you guys are really lame. If you don’t get up now, I’m going to eat you raw.”
“She’s bluffing,” Cain whispered. “Stay still, no matter what.”
Joan reached down and plucked the dwarf by the beard. “And I think I’ll start with this hairball.”
“No! Abort fetal positions! Abort now!”
Eric and Vic sprang to their feet, each grabbing one of Cain’s stubby legs as if that would stop Joan from popping him into her mouth. Instead, she ended up lifting all three of them off her palm.
“Well, you all look quite alive and feisty to me,” she said, twirling Cain’s beard around her fingertips, which caused all three of the fools to rock helplessly in the air. They screamed in unison.
“This would be a good time to tell her who we are!” Eric shouted, his long elfish ponytail whipping him in the face.
“Who you are?” Joan said, lifting them higher and higher until they were at the level of her face. She squinted, probing them with her acorn-like eyes, as they dangled and flailed in front of her like a slow mobile of art. “Let me guess—the Three Stooges?”
“Close,” Cain grunted. “Now leggo my beard, bitch.”
Joan frowned.
“He doesn’t mean that,” Vic said quickly. “Miss Joan, we know you from school. We go to East Shore High too.”
“So you’ve told me,” she said with a shrug. “What you didn’t tell me was who you are from school.”
“Minor details, I’m sure,” Cain grunted, once more, as the fibers in his beard began to snap.
“That doesn’t answer my question. I don’t recognize any of you.”
Before the guys could respond, Raven called over from the campfire. “Water’s ready!”
Joan nodded at her and then turned her gaze back to the idiots in her grasp. “You have about five seconds to answer me before I drop you in a boiling hot tub.” She took a step closer to the fire. “Five…” Another step. “Four…”
“I want my lawyer!” Eric cried.
“I want my Cleric!” Vic cried out as well.
Another step. “Three…”
Cain thrashed his legs. “Damn you, guys, start being men! We can take her punishment.”
“Two…”
“I never thought it would end like this,” Eric said. “I love you, guys.”
“I love you, too,” Vic said, wrapping his free hand—the one that wasn’t grabbing Cain’s leg—around his Elvin buddy.
Joan had reached the fire by now and held the boys over the steaming pot. “One…”
“Cain…” Eric whispered.
“What!?”
“You didn’t say you love us too.”
Cain glanced down at the seething, bubbling water that threatened to consume him and then up at the girls who threatened to do the same. “…Wait, wait! I’ll tell you. I’ll tell you we are.”
“Oh, really?” Joan said, with a half-mocking, half-knowing smile. Her arm didn’t move. “Please, do tell.”
Once again, Cain peered down, this time into the horrified faces of his friends, and then swallowed hard as he craned his neck to look up at Joan. “Nerds… We’re all nerds. I’m Cain, the guy hanging from my left leg is Vic, and the elf wannabe is Eric. We…we’re in your gym class. You remember us, don’t you?”
“Yeah,” Joan said slowly. “I do. You better believe I do.”
Her fingers opened and the guys fell, screaming, into the angry swirls of water.
Giantess World
