Reviewer: The Intimidator Signed
April 14 2021
Chapter 1: CH1. Evicted
First off I want to say this a great story and I've been enjoying it very much. The concept is great and I like that you've been able to find a new take on a story format thats been around for a while. Both of the protagonists are being developed very well and I can't wait to see where the story goes.
With that being said there are a few things that I think could be worked on. One thing in particular being the references to real world things that have been slightly changed to hold a new name it just seems a little out of place, if this was a show or movies with visuals I think that could work, but for a story (or at least to me) it pulls the reader out of it.
Another thing I've noticed is there are quite a few moments where something is written but could've been left out the first of which being when Ryan goes to the gym for the first time and instead of showing us what the gym is like or what he does there it is replaced with a line having us think of an 80's montage and instead we focus on afterwards when he goes to the store. While a wouldn't say a lot of time was spent setting up the gym it certainly wasn't a little. If the point getting Ryan out of the house was so he could go to the store then having him tell Lena that he wanted to go to the store would've worked just as well.
Additonally I feel like we're being told everything instead of getting the opportunity to form our own thoughts and predictions. It's been established that both characters have a crush on each other without the other knowing it feels unnecessary and repeative to constantly remind us that they having feelings for on another. We the readers don't need to know every single thought the characters have, we can infer if we're given the chance.
This one is more a personal pet peeve but the was texts are formatted just doesn't match with the rest of the story and personally pulls me out of it.
Those are just a few things I've noticed that I think could possibly improve the quailty of the story. Once again I think this a great story and I'm exicited to see where it goes.Author's Response:
Thank you for dropping a review and I'm glad you're enjoying the story! I'm always hapty to hear some feedback on things like what you've touched on, so I feel I should touch on them here.
Changing the real world names was initially going to just be the games, which were pretty much entirely made up anyway. Multycoon is a tycoon game with multiple tycoons in one game for instance. I agree with you in regards to the movie though, and I'll probably just change that to Avengers when I put out the next chapter in a few days.
I didn't really go into depth with the gym simply because I personally don't go to gyms, so I don't know what sounds realistic. I work outdoors for a living so I never really needed to. That and there weren't any events at the gym that would change or impact the story. I only ever mentioned that he went to the gym at all because I wanted to establish that Ryan was in good shape without directly stating as such. I'll probably remove the 80's montage thing though, It is a bit jarring. I'll replace it with a brief summary.
Your third point: the way I wanted this story to unfold was through the thoughts and actions of the characters. And people tend to think a lot. And when you're crushing hard, you frequently think about that fact and wondering if the other is thinking about you just as much as you are thinking about them. Since we're in their thoughts so much, if I suddenly stop mentioning something that is running through their heads all day it implies that they've stopped thinking of it. And usually what they're thinking of when not thinking about eachother is a game or whatever they're eating or whatever. While I agree that readers can infer information, there are some things I'd rather not get misconstrued so I state them bluntly.
I agree with your comment on the texts they have in the group chat, but its something that will be used more sparingly from here on out, as I've used them as I'd wanted to.
Thank you for the feedback, and I hope you look forward to the next chapter!
PS: You can dm me if you'd like to counterpoint my counterpoints