Reviewer: It Was Me Signed [Report This]
Date: September 10 2023 10:52 PM Title: The Rescue

This story has had it's shares of emotional highs and lows, but these last two chapters took it to another level!

While the last chapter provided some great tension at times, it certainly ended leaving the reader feeling as though our heroes were in a good place and everything was going to be alright now that they were all together. That feel-good feeling carried over into the start of this chapter, which made hitting (what I think) is the "all is lost moment" all the more surprising and impactful. I've absolutely loved the pacing and structure of this story throughout, but that's particularly true with these last two offerings. Nicely done!

I read MicroThaumaturge's review below, and I have to kind of agree with him regarding his critique of the rescue plan. However, I do think that it had to be tough to come up with a good scenario to get these characters in the positions you needed them to be in. In particular, I think Katie probably made things harder, as her not actually being affiliated with the company would make it almost impossible to have Justin and company know whether she would be home at any given time, and mentioning a role for her in the company now would feel a bit lazy and contrived just to move the plot along. Therefore, I understand why you went the route that you did. It wouldn't be far-fetched to believe that employees might be aware that the boss takes his wife with him on business trips, especially if one of said employees is in charge of booking the boss's travel, as Alia is.

That being said, this is clearly a bad plan, and I agree with MT that our protagonists should be smart enough to realize that under normal circumstances. Still, I don't have a problem with them coming up with and trying a bad plan, I just think it needed to be sold to the reader better.

For example, having Claire start the chapter off being a little less cheerful (not too much, as that seems to be her natural state) and looking tired, along with Brooke, while keeping her feisty nature and happiness to see Justin in general in tact, showing some signs of stress, would hint that they were in the state of mind to not really think things through. Maybe as they're planning their next move, Brooke and Claire can't agree on where to go first, with each one arguing, almost pleading with each other to start with a particular place. Claire, feeling unfounded guilt at "letting" Jazmin kidnap so many residents that she thought were being regrown, admits to having nightmares about her failure to save them and absolutely has to go after them. Brooke counters by giving some variation of "But you didn't hear her voice" when talking about Rae, the revelation of just how far Jazmin went with the residents, with Justin, making her imagination run wild with the possibilities of just what they Taylors are doing to her dear friend. Eventually, they come to an understanding and decide that the only way to ease both of them is to split up, and Justin, still not sure about the idea, gives in after seeing their respectively disrupted emotional states.

That might be a bit of a cliched scenario, granted, but I feel like it would have made the fact that they were going with such a flawed plan make a lot more sense.

As it stands, I found myself wondering why they didn't just wait until confirming the Taylors were on the plane (maybe wait an hour or two after their departure time before going over) and just rescuing Rae together. That would have almost been too easy, and even though they didn't know about the remote for Rae's collar, they surely would have figured that Rae could at least restore herself back to normal size, if not Justin as well. That would give them a three or four to one advantage over Jazmin, so at that point it wouldn't matter if she was home or not. Just have Claire knock on Jazmin's door pretending to apologize and beg to be left along, the rush her as soon as she opened the door. Two of them hold her down while the other(s) save the tinies from the doll house. With the hostages free, our heroes would then be free to use the recording and Rae's testimony to put the Taylor family behind bars and let Rae assume full control of the company, and everyone lives happily ever after.

Of course, that would also be really boring and the way the story's going is obviously much better, but I struggled a bit to understand why three level-headed individuals, two of them geniuses, never considered the above scenario. Again, though, it would have been a lot easier to buy their actions had their mental and emotional states regarding what's clearly a high-stress situation been demonstrated a bit more at the start of the chapter, even despite the fact that I think the happier beginning set up the cruel end of the chapter really well (finding a balance like that is really hard).

But overall regarding the plan, I think this was more a case of the natural course of the story putting you in a tough spot as a writer than anything else. And yeah, it was a bit messy, so to speak, but you got through it, and the rest of the chapter was really, really good. So I guess I'm saying don't sweat it too much and just chalk this up as a learning experience, if anything at all.

There was a small, but much appreciated pay off for me at the start of the chapter. The fact that Claire already talks to Justin like he's a friend was pretty rewarding for me. Claire's a naturally friendly character, but she's only met Justin one other time, and that was briefly during his shrinking process. Also, throughout the story, Claire has been a bit intimidated by people Justin's size, not out of fear of hurting them or disgust, but just the awkwardness of interacting with them. Even holding them was a problem for her, as she felt bad that her breath blew the one Micropolis-sized resident she held in her palm before. So it says something to me that Claire is naturally comfortable enough around tiny Justin that her naturally bubbly personality shines when interacting with him. This could be because she can actually communicate with him, the relatability of their respective situations, or even just that it's hard to feel awkward around someone anymore after you step on them. It could be a little bit of all of those, or even just the assertive way that Justin talks to them despite his size. I don't know, but I was feeling pretty good reading the first part of the chapter because of it.

I do have to respectfully disagree with MT about Brooke's reaction to the Taylors returning home. I think I've said before that I picked up a vibe that Brooke doesn't deal with extreme stress very well, so it made sense to me that she wouldn't think to use her phone or even do something bold like put Rae back and wait out the Taylors in hiding or something. The fact that Brooke was so scared that Rae had to hide herself because Brooke couldn't even think to follow her instructions felt right to me.

I'm really curious to see how Brooke handles her torture (assuming Rae and Justin don't figure something out before she said torture starts). Again, she doesn't deal with high-pressure situations well, but she's also really compassionate and loyal, and I think that will override her fear enough to hold out for help. That would be a different kind of bravery.

I was caught by surprise that both Brooke and Claire shrank, as I thought only one of them would be going down, leaving the other one to use her size to help save the day. I like this development, though. Now the ball solely in Justin and Rae's court, and I love that the two tinies are going to have to try to save the day on their own. And Rae has quickly become one of my favorite characters as well. With everything she's been through, she still comes off as calm, cool, and resourceful, showing that same mental resiliency that Justin has. They should be a good combination, size notwithstanding.

And it was great to see Justin come through in the clutch as well. That knife came in handy after all. It's good to seen him prove useful despite his size.

And that whole scene at Jazmin's place was heartbreaking. Seeing Claire shrink and the happenings in the doll house really made that "all is lost" feeling hit home, maybe even more than Brooke being captured. Of course, it's pretty obvious that Jazmin was expecting Claire to do something like that and was ready for her (I mean, what's the company going to do if she doesn't show up for her shift, fire her?).

But that realization made me see Lana's tormenting of Ally, Tim, and Claire in a different light. After Lana mentioned that Jazmin did the same thing to Lana and her boyfriend, I realized that Claire hadn't actually been physically tormented at all. She was forced to abuse Ally (or used to abuse Ally, as she didn't really have any control over it). And then Claire was forced to order Ally to "retrieve" Tim. All of this, as well as the fact that Jazmin didn't make good on her threat to shrink Claire so tiny that her toys wouldn't be able to see her (which I think would have happened had Jazmin gotten the collar on her then), makes me think that Jazmin is using Lana to make into another Lana. I think if Claire had been shrunk by a less hostile Jazmin, our attractive villainess would have likely let Claire be herself or possibly tried to corrupt her into being less kind to the other tinies, but her betrayal (from what we know of Lana, it seems like Jazmin felt betrayed by her as well) has led Jazmin to want to break her mentally instead of physically. There's something intriguing about the idea of someone punishing a perceived traitor by conditioning them into complete and total loyalty, like Lana.

Or I could be wrong about all that and Lana was just having fun. Who knows?

Anyway, thanks for another great chapter! I've been into this story for a while, but my anticipation for seeing what happens next grows with each addition since things started to ramp up about five or six chapters ago!

Author's Response:

Thank you! I'm glad you're still enjoying the story.

In regards to the plan, you and MicroThaumaturge are correct. It was weak, and my decision it would be 'good enough' was a mistake. That being said, I really like your idea where Claire and Brooke argue about which was more important to save--that would've added even more good drama to the chapter.

I was so locked in to the Taylor's getting on a plane for a plot point later. In hindsight I should've let this go and done something different. With Alia playing the part of Receptionist/Executive Assistant she could've easily been involved with any aspect of the Taylor's lives and therefore knew what they were doing no matter what it was.

I digress, it's something I can learn from and makes me a better writer.

In regards to the Justin/Claire meet. Claire's the type that can befriend anyone, but as a flaw she also wants to be liked by everyone. Her hesitation with the residents comes from not being able to communicate and get that positive feedback from them. Therefore, her comfortability with Justin 100% comes from being able to talk to him.

Lana has definitely heard of Claire before this. Jazmin would've mentioned her or talked about her at length to her toys. As a result, I think Lana felt a certain amount of kinship with her since they were both former best friends of Jazmin. At least, that's why I imagined her going easy on her.

I've got one chapter left in my outline. (Admittedly there's a lot to cover so it may turn into 2 chapters or 1 chapter + an epilogue...) I hope I can give this story a proper ending that doesn't disappoint!

Reviewer: MicroThaumaturge Signed [Report This]
Date: September 09 2023 1:23 AM Title: The Rescue

I have enjoyed this story immensely.  Great premise, great setting, solid and developing shrinking mechanics, solid dynamic between the oppressive giants in the company and the oppressed residents.  I enjoyed the first dozen chapters without reserve.  I wish I had left comments on the other chapters singing this story's praises.

This last chapter, however, leaves a bad taste.  I get that Claire's thought processes are unbalanced where Jazmin is concerned.  I get that Justin is worried about Ally, and that could impair his thinking a bit.  But between the three of them, two of whom are engineers /city planners, this 'plan' for rescue doesn't pass the smell check.  It's very plot driven, which is a disservice to your well-written characters.

Don't get me wrong, the breakfast bit is great, the fetishy bits are cute and enjoyable, or speak well to those who enjoy cruelty, Rae's response to being found is solid, but I have some problems with how this went down.

1. They split the party.  Yes, I know that saying "don't split the party" is kinda cliche, and is generally not such a bad thing, but splitting their group was literally the only thing that put them in more danger than just walking away.  The only way Jazmin posed any real threat to them is if they confronted her in the exact manner they did - alone and letting her get the drop on them.  I can ALMOST buy the fact that they had 2 objectives, one of which was pressing, being enough to decide the party could be split, but it still smells very fishy. 

Again, don't get me wrong, I'm not saying you shouldn't have split them - obviously that was the only way to make things go this way - but I woukd highly recommend presenting a more compelling reason for not just going to get Ally first.

2. Their plan was all or nothing.  If they failed, that's it, they're playing from the back foot - quite possibly literally, as they would be small enough.  There's no attempt to inform any sort of local authority, or an understanding friend, or an internet conspiracy theorist.  If they screw up, they're toast.  That seems like something Brooke at the least should have thought of.  And I do apologize if I somehow missed this, but why are the local police not involved?  They are clearly dealing with what is clearly abduction, kidnapping, and from what Jazmin has hinted at, sexual abuse, rape, and likely manslaughter/murder.  Again, if I missed the explanation, that's on me and I apoligize for raising the point, but I don't see why the authorities were never brought in, under any pretense.

3. The lack of any sort of protection.  They went into hostile territory, with their freedom, if not their lives on the line, and they brought nothing to defend themselves.  Not an empty wine bottle, not a can of mace or pepper spray, nothing.  Again, it seems poorly thought out.

4. Once the Taylor's returned, there was no attempt to call for help.  Did Brooke not bring a cell phone?

Just to clarify, I am not trying to criticise the direction you took the story.  I'm sure having all of the heroes tiny and in trouble will make for a thrilling next chapter.  I can't wait to see what comes next!

I'm just... You have written such wonderful characters, I feel like the way this went down was a disservice to them.  There needed to be additional factors.  Perhaps they expect the Taylor's to bring Rae with them as a toy, but he's at a Meet & Greet with his wife RIGHT NOW and will be back tonight.  Now there's a pressing need to go to the Taylor's eesidence, or Rae is in danger if Jazmin gets word back to them.

Regarding telling others, perhaps they are too scared to act, or the authorities won't believe them / they have been paid off.  I feel like this is a wide avenue of approach that needed to be narrowed, if not closed.

Weapons can be left at the front door when it's clear no one is home, or while handling a tiny.  This one stretches credulity a bit, but would be acceptable, and fitting for the characters.

Again, I'm sorry if this comes across as an attack against you or your writing, because it's not intended to be.  You have a talent, and a great story in progress here.  One in which I've been emotionally invested for some time now (again, sorry for not commenting sooner).  I just saw several decisions here as a disservice to these great characters, and couldn't help but shout my frustration to the rooftops (sorry about the eardrums).

Again, thank you for bringing us these characters, I'm loving the story, I'm really looking forward to seeing where it goes next! I just had to get that off my chest.

Author's Response:

I'm glad you've enjoyed the story so far! I'm also sorry that this chapter missed the mark.

I had hit a wall creatively--so I decided this was 'good enough' to move on to the fetish bits. I'm fairly new at writing this type of content, so I struggle with how to balance story and smut.

In regards to Brooke--she definitely had a cell phone. I had figured she was too panicked to make a phone call, but in hindsight she definitely would've shot a text to Claire at the very least. This was an oversight on my part.

I really appreciate this feedback as it helps me grow and develop as a writer! Please don't be shy to share your thoughts in the future as well.