[Report This]Date: March 20 2014 9:59 PM Title: Melody
I agree, I wasn't the best chapter. I enjoyed reading your comments more than the chapter.
It's all good the next one will be great I can just tell. Everyone has those days.
[Report This]Date: March 20 2014 9:36 AM Title: Melody
Where's your bravado now Jenna? (Actually good to see stuff like that before we ever see her torture a tiny. She's in danger of becoming unsympathetic otherwise.)
But wow, I guess grabbing for anything that floats will do for a drowning person, even the fin of a shark. Especially when the dolphin is the one violating you. (Okay analogy is getting a little weird now.) Still, I didn't realize how degrading this would be for Ashley until this chapter. Fuck Claire for helping Melody carry it out.
That said, I'm still really interested in how this all plays out for the girls.
Author's Response:
Hey now :(
Melody was going to continue regardless. It's something she resolved herself to do, for good or for ill. But she was about to start crying herself, and Claire was trying to comfort her through something that is tearing her up.
Also I'm sorry but I just watch the "Return to La Grunta" episode of King of the Hill before reading this, so that dolphin bit is hilarious to me.
Date: March 20 2014 6:56 AM Title: Melody
I think the change in perspective was nice too. After all, the story was never really first person to begin with, so I don't see a need to stick to Ashley. Also, focusing on Melody can give a much broader picture of the overall scene. There's only just so much you can write about being stuck under someone's foot in my opinion, and Ashley has a fairly limited view of her surroundings.
I'm guessing this story is going to be a couple chapters beyond the originally planned 4, as we have 2 more girls plus whatever the conclusion is to get through, and I think having each girl's session in it's own chapter breaks things up nicely. It doesn't really matter if they are short or not, it's still a good read.
I don't really get why most people are uptight about this whole punishment thing being uncalled for. 30 minutes is nothing compared to up to 2 hours for 52 weeks, and being kept in a tank for that whole time. As we sort of know the ending already, it will keep her out of future trouble, and they do anything particularly (physically) harmful to her. As for emotional, I'm of the opinion she won't hold it against the Omega girls forever, but that the lesson will stick with her for the rest of her life. It seems to be having a lasting effect and perhaps as much or more of an impact on Melody as it does Ashley as well.
Author's Response:
After having time to stew on it, I do think that the perspective shift ended up working out for the best. I think I'd have floundered some if I tried to keep going with Ashley, and likely would have hit some redundancies.
And yup, we're looking at roughly: Claire, Jenna, at least one epilogue chapter. It depends on if I want to go through with the little pick-me-up idea I've had which is more an issue of "Do I want to introduce what a Detonator can do in a little side story?" more than anything.
Date: March 20 2014 6:09 AM Title: Melody
No need to "fuck this chapter," I thought it was quite well done. It seemed like the purpose in the character perspectives was to get across Ashley's intense frustration and misunderstanding about what was happening, which worked well. The shift to Melody was nice, because it showed how conflicted she was in the whole thing. Both sides gave an emotional touch to the chapter, which I tend to count as just as (if not more) important as detailed imagery in any given story, which you had as well. If it made you uncomfortable to write, you can be damn sure it'll be uncomfortable for someone to read (because they can't control the variables of it at all), so that's always a good sign. Nice job here.
Author's Response:
Thank you for the kind words, it was just...god, this was unenjoyable to write for me, and it was solely because Ashley was squirming and yelling and was met only with complete silence. That made me more uncomfortable than anything else going on.
[Report This]Date: March 20 2014 5:59 AM Title: Melody
A harsh chapter indeed but I commend you for writing it even if it is uncomfortable for you.
Melody may hope that this punishment is making Ashely understand, but so far all it has done is brought that resentment Ashley felt toward the surface. I don’t see this session working in the way she wanted.
Author's Response:
There's a few things Ashley is getting that they do want her to understand for herself when it comes to her relation to the Betas. Claire is kind of on follow-up duty, as we'll see.
Date: March 20 2014 3:39 AM Title: Melody
Kind of in agreement with the chapter notes. Ugh necessary but very hard to read.
Also while I'm one of the few who believes Ashley legitimately did something wrong I think the girls would have been better served going over the report in detail first. So long as she thinks someone just overreacted this might be doing the opposite of its intention.
Author's Response:
Things are likely no being done ideally (or, as ideally as this could have been done) because Melody herself can't bring herself to talk to or even look at Ashley this chapter. So she can't explain to her the lesson she's hoping to impart. But expect that report to be a major thing next chapter, they aren't going to continue doing things without letting her know what the problem is.
[Report This]Date: March 20 2014 3:23 AM Title: Melody
There is a quote:
"The greatest evil is physical pain." [1]
I'm not sure I agree with that quote, but I can say that the ABSENCE of physical pain is what I love about this chapter. Otherwise, I'd probably be in tears and hate it.
Yes, the humiliation is difficult for both Ashley and Melody to bear. The feeling of betrayal that Ashley experiences...difficult. But I'm so, so glad she isn't in pain, at least not physically. We can debate all day long about whether emotional pain is worse -- in many cases it likely is -- but still.
Now perhaps the most important sentence was this one:
'pushing herself into the back of the recliner, her eyes shut tightly and her face impassive'
Because obviously Jenna is the worst of the three. So seeing her reaction gives me hope that she isn't truly sadistic. And remembering the conversation from the other story, about how Jenna is already expressing the full evolution of the fire...she won't become a sadist...I sincerely hope. She's the one that scares me. I just want there to be an ounce of compassion in her, and I think, maybe there is.
Phenomenal chapter sir.
[1] http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/quotes/s/saintaugus148547.html
Author's Response:
One thing I do hope that came across in this chapter is that despite their earlier frustrations, the girls basically melted the moment they actually started. They aren't enjoying this, and Jenna is sitting back there trying not to.
Of course, Ashley isn't going to read it like that at the moment.
Date: March 20 2014 2:23 AM Title: Melody
It could have been worse but then you might be saving it for another chapter, Claire and especially Jenna will be much worse than Melody. All I can say is that Melody will be lucky if Ashley even considers them part of the same family.
Author's Response:
We'll have to wait and see~