[Report This]Date: February 18 2016 8:03 PM Title: Chapter 2: Mighty Alice *revised chapter*
I thought sure this was going to be a Wonderland pastiche, with a giantess Alice. But, needless to say, a butterfly-winged fairy version I find a mite...
...curious, sir. ;-)
[Report This]Date: November 02 2015 11:35 PM Title: Chapter 2: Mighty Alice *revised chapter*
Fantastic! The comparison of Alice's body size to that of Jay's head was brilliant. And now the royal guard has an athoritive presence that was missing before. Thornhunter, I like it. It's not demeaning or over the top. Smart writing. A pat on the back for you good sir... or ma'am. Sorry I don't remember if your bio said guy or gal. PEACE!
Author's Response:
Thanks. Don't worry about gender I didn't put it down. At least I don't think I did.
[Report This]Date: November 02 2015 12:50 PM Title: Chapter 2: Mighty Alice *revised chapter*
Love the attention to detail. Though the sizes were confusing to imagine while reading, I sudgest giving a numeric scale. eg( it looks about 45ft long). Not its 7 times bigger than her. We don't yet have a reference to her scale relitive to other things in the world, so it's hard to compare what 7 times bigger actually looks like. Also why was a price of all people so close in the first place? Was it because of the Alice using his mana or something else? How many guards were there anywaw? 2,5,10,50? And what were they wearing? Light armor, heavy armor, no armor? These are important details that tell us what Alice is up against or just about fairy lifestyle in general. Beyond that though your story is amasingly awsome. Please don't stop. Writing quality like yours, is only observed in a handful of people here on this sit. If it takes time to write, so be it. A good story is worth the wait. PEACE!
Author's Response:
Thanks I'll redo this chapter and get it right. I guess I didn't have a clear image in my head as to the royal guards and I was feeling anxious in getting this uploaded.
Sorry about getting scales a bit skewed. Jay is six feet in hight Alice is about under a foot in hight and the fairies are smaller than Alice. I was scratching my head for way to long trying to create a race name and instead created a clan name. I'm still trying to think of a name for her race and I just can't form the right words.
Reason I don't use numbers is because when I was first writing on DA for Karbo's universe I got critiqued and told I shouldn't do that. But I'll think of a way to better get it on paper.
Thanks for the review. You should see I a 2.0 draft up later tonight. Also this is the only way I'll learn to be a better writer, so thanks more than anything for taking the time to help me improve.