Date: September 20 2020 9:16 AM Title: Preschooler (Gen VII)
I heard about this story from Franchise Writer, and so took a peek, and this one's title stood out to me the most.
The good: You did a great job of keeping her innocent, despite her actions. The thoughts and feeling she had throughout were believable for her age, especially her reaction to being told that "they'll enjoy becoming her poop". That whole bit, where she's excited to eat them, but it seems like she just means being treated to a lunch at a restaurant, all of that, the dramatic irony was fantastic.
The room for improvement: It was a bit short, it ended up feeling the build-up was half the story. A big place that could have used much more description was the initial shrinking. Explaining the sight from both character's POVs southaven added a lot, how she went from reaching his thigh to towering over him, now barely reaching her ankle. A bit of description of one of the guards trying to escape, or the guards urging the CEO to escape while they "fend her off" would have been good display of the futility and humiliation it brought, while further hammering home her innocence, maybe with a panty shot that she didn't notice or care showing.
Speaking of, description. We got very little for her description, would have been really good for when they first shrank.
Finally, not to sound rude, but don't use slashes. Choose a descriptor and stick with it. But that's nitpicking.
The hope for future characters: I saw someone ask about more preschoolers of other gens, I'd put a vote there, in addition to twins, especially gen 5, and tubers. Fairy tale girls too. I'm not into too hard of sadism or snuff myself, but so long as they're innocent like this girl (bratty, bossy, demanding, etc are all fine though, so long as she is innocent) then I'll most likely love it. Am willing to expound on ideas for interactions if interested.
Best of luck with new additions!
Thank you for the review, I'm really glad you liked it and thank you for the helpful critiques!
Looking back on it now I also feel this chapter was lacking particularly in comparison to other things I've written and I think I discovered why, I was impatient. This was the last thing I wrote before writing my love letter to Gorgon from Fate/Grand Order and I wanted to get to work on it as fast as possible. That story took almost a month to write and I can see now that effort that I should have spared for this story was directed towards Gorgon instead. Gen VII Preschooler deserved better, but when I get around to Eevee Pokékid from Gen VIII I promise to not make the same mistake.
Date: November 18 2019 8:48 PM Title: Preschooler (Gen VII)
..........was this a request or did one of u come up with the idea yourselves?
While it is my own original idea, the thought process behind getting to it is pretty complicated. To skip a lot of the details, I wanted to put someone through a thoroughly humiliating loss, which developed into an older, successful business man losing and getting eaten casually by a naive little girl, which preshoolers are the youngest trainer class in the games that use Pokémon. The bodyguards were added as a natural extention of the older man's position.