[Report This]Date: April 27 2008 6:51 AM Title: Chapter 1 - JUNE 23, 09:00 - 10:00
Wonderful. Just wonderful
I think it's working as a nice, light-toned story.
It's an enjoyable read, the language has improved since the last time I saw it, although there are a few problems in it. I've got a few suggestions on how they can solved.
When a person reads a story, they're interested in the story itself. It's nice that you put some music notes in it, but try to keep in mind that this is a story and not a song, so try and keep the reciting from music to a minimum.
Try to also show and not tell. The prologue is interesting, but you could show that through dialogue or something.
Dialogue itself needs to be worked on. It's nice you use the hyphon to express dialogue, but it's also confusin when you use quotation marks as well. Stick to one way to express dialogue, either the hyphon or the quotation mark. It makes the story look better.
Bear in mind, these are the problems that I have discovered just by scratching the surface. There probably would be more if I were to proofread it and delve deeper, but I got other things to do
Other than that, I like where the story is going. It's a sweet, lighthearted kind of direction and this site needs more stories which are not about sex.
I might as well rate this 5 stars. It seems 5 star ratings are given out like candy these days.
Author's Response:
Well, personally, fusing music into the story is fundamental in terms of inspiration, something to which I can't renounce; indeed, in this story I'm planning to give more presence to music with each chapter. I'm aware this might be a turn off, but I'll try my best to make up for it.
In doing so, I have to try overcome my lack of technical and storytelling skills, as well as my limitations regarding the language (I look up continously in a Spanish-English dictionary when writing), so I'm very grateful for your criticism. It was a revulsive to define the story's spirit back then and now it's a spur for trying to refine the writing - thanks!