“You know, I’m pretty sure that writing back there might have said: ‘Death befalls all who enter.’” Nathan shuffled into the narrow passageway after his girlfriend, unwilling to let her proceed alone regardless.

“Of course it did. They have to put up stuff like that; keep the general riff-raff out. Wouldn’t want just anyone walking into your secret temple, would you?” Hazel struggled as she jerked her body sideways, dragging her clothes against the slick, mildew coated walls. “Honestly though, they might as well have put a sign saying ‘You must be at least this flat to enter.’ They really didn’t cater for the busty girls with this passage.”

Barely able to see Hazel, Nathan had to conjure up a mental image of her current predicament. The corridor was too narrow to fit through walking forward, so they had been forced to shuffle along sideways. What that meant was that her breasts must have been squashed heavily against her chest, spreading out to the sides of her. The lack of focus caused by Nathan’s mental image almost led to him slipping on a moist, uneven section of the path, but he twisted his body and let his shoulders catch him against the walls before he fell any further.

He was now stuck though.

“Hey, I might need some help here!” Nathan frantically tried to right himself against the walls, but the unsure footing and awkward angle wasn’t helping.

Thankfully, the sound of footsteps carefully tracing their way back on themselves and an exasperated sigh soon reached him.

“How did you manage to get stuck before me?” Hazel towered over Nathan, currently because he was lodged at crotch level for her, but generally because her six and a half foot body dwarfed his own by just over a foot.

Bending her knees, Hazel crouched and extended a free arm underneath Nathan’s torso. When she pushed herself back up with some effort, she managed to inch Nathan’s right shoulder across the wall and pivot his body until he was free.

“See, now that I’ve saved you, you have to marry me right? Pretty sure that’s how all the fairytales go anyway.” Hazel grinned down at Nathan’s relieved expression.

“None of my stories are going to involve victims of trauma becoming morally indebted to their rescuer.” Nathan went to brush himself off, but realised he had nowhere near enough room to do so.

“Nathan, are you saying you don’t want to be my prince? I shall go lock myself up in this forbidden temple until a worthier suitor comes to rescue me.” Hazel turned away and continued her venture into said forbidden temple.

Resigning himself to the fact that Hazel wasn’t going to stop until she was forced back, their trek continued.

———

“Hey baby, guess what?” Hazel called out as she entered their apartment. “I found the greatest idea for your next book today.”

“You know that’s not how guessing works right?” Nathan kissed Hazel as she leant down to meet his lips, her long black hair falling across his face. Then he quickly scooted back to allow his oversized girlfriend into the living room.

“Sue me. Anyway, I know your last book was about scary monster stuff and this guy came in today asking if we had any books about dead gods. Like, really old creepy ones that people can’t look at or they’ll go mad kinda stuff. His words, not mine.” Hazel sat herself down as the couch groaned beneath her. Pulling the table closer with a screeching noise of wood on wood, she laid out two books and a scroll from her bag.

“So, your surprise is that you think I should branch into eldritch horror? Why is that a surprise?”

“Because this is a way for us to do some first hand research. The guy said he found this stuff in his grandparent’s attic and wanted to donate them. Wondered if it was genuine. I had to let him down by telling him there’s no such thing as old gods, but that the books did look authentic.”

“So you want me to read them as inspiration?”

“Don’t be silly, the text is basically all gibberish. Except for the first page of this one.” Hazel tapped the cover of the dark green book with a bright yellow fingernail. “I think it’s a recipe.”

“So, almost certainly not authentic then.”

“Don’t be too hasty to judge a book by its contents. Look at the cover for a moment. That is either an excellent forgery or a very old book.”

“Okay, I’ll bite. What’s it a recipe for?”

“Don’t spoil the surprise. I’m going to make it and we’ll see.”

“I’ll eagerly await some old god soup.”

———

“I think we’re near the end of the passage, it’s opening up!”

“Excellent, I always dreaded dying in a cramped passageway, an open one is a lot better.”

“Quiet you, or I won’t help you next time you get stuck.”

The passage was opening up though, Hazel was right about that. A vast, open corridor lay ahead of them, reminiscent of a subway tunnel. They stood on a ledge, looking down five feet at where the tracks would be. Evidently the tunnel stretched out left and right from here and was vastly more spacious than the previous passageway.

“Do you think there’s a way forward, or do we have to make a choice now?” Hazel peered ahead, but the light from their torches couldn’t pierce the darkness.

“We could consult the map, if someone hadn’t already eaten all the old god soup.” Nathan looked disapprovingly at the empty thermos flask tied to Hazel’s backpack.

“I’m a big girl, I get hungry.”

“We’ll be hungry for the rest of our lives if we make the wrong turning here. What does your gut say? It should know.”

“Haha. Okay mister comedian, if this is an adventure story, how do the intrepid explorers find their path?”

“They don’t drink the map.”

“Fine. After the incredibly attractive and no longer hungry explorer finds herself at an impasse, having to decide whether to early her fellow, annoying adventurer in order to survive, what does she do?”

“She doesn’t eat him, because he’s just found the correct path.”

“What? Which way?”

“Left. See that marking on the ground? Looks like the same one at the entrance. Probably the same ‘you will die if you go here’ runes. If you want to find the atrium, we follow those.”

“And the sexy explorer gives her clever little pal a kiss to thank him.”

“Don’t be patronising.”

“Don’t be a smartass.”

“I guess we have another impasse then.”

———

“So it was old god soup?” Nathan peered into the yellow broth.

“Well, yes, but I didn’t want to give you the satisfaction of knowing you were right.” Hazel placed a bowl in front of each of them and sat at the table, chair creaking worryingly underneath her.

“Ah, a feeling I know too well.”

“No talking at the dinner table.”

Wordlessly, both raised a spoon to their mouths and simultaneously ate. It was actually strangely pleasant, the taste of carrots was the most dominant, with hints of other vegetables. There was a strange sweetness however, that it took Nathan a moment to place.

“Why does old god soup contain bananas?”

“Old gods love bananas, obviously. Or maybe it’s a pun. ‘You’ll go bananas for old god soup’ kind of thing.”

It did taste good though. Nathan felt his mouth salivating, eager to taste the next bite, but as he looked down, he noticed something strange. His soup was moving. The yellow broth was rearranging itself into a swirling pattern. Perhaps a flower? With a question mark growing out of it? He blinked and the apparition faded.

“Babe, did you just…”

“See my soup playing Pictionary in front of me? I think I did.”

“Trippy. Did you add a lot of hallucinogens to this, or just a sprinkle?”

“Nathan, everything I added was just stuff from our cupboard. Unless you replaced the coriander with LSD, nothing I added should be doing that. It did tell me to keep the book facing the pot while it stewed though.”

“So the book did it. Cookbooks that help with the cooking. Sounds like the next step in technology, honestly. Maybe I’m wasting my time with adventure novels.”

”By the old gods, you are such a smartass.” Hazel’s lower tentacles playfully slapped against Nathan’s leg under the table, siphoning away some of his mass as her suckers latched onto him.

Wrapping tightly around him and constricting Nathan’s body as more of him was devoured away, Hazel rose to her ten foot height. The ceiling collapsed around her and light from an unknowable source played across her face, bathing the right half of it in white. Her black hair bleached in colour, to a shade of straw blonde. Nathan was carried helplessly up to Hazel’s mouth as his size reduced to merely an inch, being devoured greedily by his growing girlfriend.

“Old god soup, with a little boyfriend for dessert.” Hazel licked her lips and dropped Nathan into her gaping abyss.

“God, you are such a smartass.” Hazel’s leg brushed against Nathan’s as she stood up. Noticing something still in her mouth, Hazel swallowed. “Hmm, nice aftertaste. Reminds me of something, but I’m not sure what…”

———

“Is that a light ahead or am I just seeing things?”

“Well, I’m seeing it too, but that doesn’t necessarily mean it’s real.”

Light was finally shining from a source that wasn’t either of their torches. A faint, yellow light, appearing to pulsate in intensity.

“Time to get your beer goggles on.”

“Why do I have to drink the fermented banana juice?”

“Because you know why. Now drink up and stop being a baby.”

Unstrapping his hip flask, Nathan took a sip of the incredibly foul concoction. The world shifted around him, dark shapes lurking in the shadows, while Hazel’s tentacles poked into the corridor from far outside, nudging Nathan forward.

“Things must be going badly if you’ve come back here.”

The words invaded Nathan’s mind, the suckers on the top of the tentacle too large to entrap his body now, but still easily able to force him to the floor.

“Hmm, you taste great. Is that a new aftershave, or just your fear coming through?”

Helpless under the growing tentacle, Nathan felt his body being drained away as his life was sapped from him. The tentacle broke through the ceiling of the temple, bringing him up to Hazel

‘s shadow flickered ominously in the flickering, pale yellow light.

Nathan took out the scroll and consulted the familiar writing. As expected, a new instruction had appeared.

“Excellent, we have our task.”

“What is it?”

“Maintain your sanity, if you can.”

“Whelp, there’s no hope for us then.”

———

“Hazel, you said this book only had one readable page, right?”

“Just the soup recipe, everything else is gibberish.”

“Well, either you missed the disclaimer, or we’re in a spot of bother here.”

“Why?”

“Because it’s saying we’ve just joined a cult. Apparently you’re the high priestess now.”

“What the fuck? Give it here.”

‘To whom it makes concerned,

Realms await you, Priestess of the Eldritch. You are poised to rule the infinite cosmos, feeding on the bounty of this world.

In order to progress through your journey, simply indoctrinate more members into the Eldritch Priesthood. For their power shall fuel your own growth into your true form.

Make haste, lest you be consumed instead.’

“What the fuck!?”