Shelby drummed her fingers on the desk, giving a smug look to the tiny and shaking elf currently sitting atop one of her coasters. Evidently the elf’s magic shrank with her, or at least she hadn’t come up with a spell to get herself out of Shelby’s office yet.

“What’s the matter?” Shelby grinned, “don’t like being small elf?” she chuckled and reached down, gently flicking Miriel over with her finger and causing the elf to squeak indignantly.

“Shelby stop this!” Miriel cried, “look, I’m sorry I deceived you, but-“

Shelby slammed her fist on the table, “but nothing! You and your friends are here to continue the elven reign of terror, is another invasion imminent? You can’t win you know; we’ve got more cannons than last time, bigger, better, guns! You’ll-“

“We’re not invading!” Miriel shouted, forcing herself back to her feet, “I just came over here to… to make some friends, maybe see if this whole feud could be resolved?”

“It got resolved on the Field of Thunder sixty years ago,” Shelby growled, “and what a day that must have been for you?”

“I-I wasn’t born yet actually,” Miriel stammered, “but my sister was there, s-she said the captives were treated well?”

“Of course they were,” Shelby muttered, “we’re not elves after all…”

Miriel grinned and nodded, “yes, it actually really made my sister re-evaluate her ideas on humans, seeing your mighty army, and the mercy you showed-“

“Mighty army?” Shelby laughed, “Gustav’s army that defeated you was a shattered remnant, the man had just lost several important battles, his claim to the throne was being contested by everyone who could raise a flag.”

“A remnant!?” Miriel whispered, the way the battle was told in the Elven realms, the humans had mustered all of their forces for one grand climactic battle with the Elves.

“People heard you conquered the neighboring kingdom, those primitives that were still using swords and bows when you struck,” Shelby chuckled, “the Empire was tearing itself apart in civil war at the time, but even then, only a few people really thought about you… Gustav’s spies told him that your army shrank any humans it captured though… and that’s why he marched his army to the border to meet you.”

“He wanted to free his fellow humans,” Miriel said uncertainly, “a noble gesture-“

“No, he realized that you elves were sitting on a massive manpower reserve of tens, perhaps hundreds, of thousands, of shrunken humans,” Shelby explained, “after his treaty with the Elves he was given every human the elves had captured up until that point, restored to full size. He shoved a gun in the hands of every one of your former pets and marched them back to the Imperial heartlands where he butchered his cousins and regained his throne.”

Miriel blinked a minute, stunned, no, Gustav Elf-Killer was the greatest human of all, a towering colossus of combat that defeated us with his iron will… the way the elves told it, Gustav had been some unnatural human, cunning, clever, a fluke in an otherwise unremarkable species known as humanity. The way the humans told it though… he almost sounds… pathetic? Forced off his throne? Killing his own family? No, that’s not Gustav Elf-Killer! She swallowed, the humans must be remembering him wrong, they’re not so long lived after all.

“A-Are you sure your histories are accurate?” Miriel asked suddenly.

Shelby frowned, “I don’t know what it is to an elf, but Gustav is still a controversial figure even now long after his death.”

“B-But he saved your whole species from elven enslavement!” Miriel exclaimed, if Gustav wasn’t some great man… if his army really was just a remnant… she gulped, where does that leave us to the humans as a whole!?

“I suppose he saved this province from elven enslavement,” Shelby mused, “but to tell the truth elf, his dealings with your people rarely take up more than a few chapters in books about the man.”

A few chapters!? Miriel felt like she’d been punched in the gut.

“Enough history,” Shelby snapped, picking the elf up, “you and your friends are here shrinking humans, maybe you’re here to scout for an invasion, maybe you’re just out on a little hunting expedition, either way, it ends here!”

“I didn’t shrink anyone, I promise!” Miriel cried.

“I’ve already tasted several of the victims,” Shelby said with a grin, “I’ve got the flavor down, I’ll bet if I take a taste of you, it’ll be very familiar to me.”

Miriel frowned, “wait, you taste-“

“Yes, I can taste magic,” Shelby laughed, “and you know what elf?” she slowly picked up Miriel, “I’ve got a sort of secret fantasy.” She tugged on Miriel’s pants, and the elf fought to keep them on as they slid off.

“W-What fantasy!?” Miriel shrieked, gripping her shirt with all her might as Shelby pulled it off next. She whimpered, naked in the giant human inquisitors’ hands.

“We all know Elves ate humans once upon a time,” Shelby grinned, slowly lifting her obsidian black goggles over her eyes, revealing a pair of black orbs with yellow pupils that caused a terrified Miriel to gasp. “I think,” Shelby said, her voice going low as those unnatural black orbs gazed on the elf, “that if you’re a match… I’ll just swallow you!”

Miriel screamed as Shelby laughed, bringing the elf up to her ruby red lips. She opened her mouth, sliding her tongue out to meet the elf as Miriel was forced inside. She closed her mouth, grinning as the elf beat at the side of her cheek feebly, no doubt repeating the same journey no end of poor humans had at the elf’s own hands.

Yes, see how it feels elf! Shelby thought in triumph as she savored the flavor of the elf. It was good, her tongue tickled the elf’s skin, forcing her against the roof of her mouth as…

Shelby paused, the elf had a sweet flavor, almost like a warm summer wine… not at all like the earthier taste that had clung to the shrunken guard she’d tasted before. She frowned, poking the elf a bit more with her tongue and causing her to scream in fear, there was another flavor on Miriel, probably the elf that had tried to shrink Shelby, but… it wasn’t a match either.

Shelby’s eyes went wide, oh gods, the elf really is innocent… of this anyway. She sat a minute, listening to the elf crying and pleading from within her mouth. I could just swallow her anyway… She scowled angrily, no… it’s not right. With a growl she spat a spit-soaked Miriel into her palm.

“You didn’t shrink those humans,” Shelby admitted bitterly.

“I-I tried to tell you!” Miriel protested, shivering as Shelby reached down to drape a small handkerchief around her shoulders. She hugged it around herself, looking up at the inquisitor nervously, “w-what are you? What kind of thing tastes magic, and has eyes like that?”

Shelby reached up and pulled her obsidian goggles back into place, hiding the black sclerae and piercing yellow eyes again, “I’m human,” she snapped defensively, “and on the emperor’s own orders, nobody in the army is allowed to say anything else about my heritage! That goes double for an elven prisoner!”

“S-Sorry!” Miriel said, “it’s just that umm… humans can’t taste magic, or have eyes like-“

“I swear elf, if you imply I’m anything other than human again I’m going to place you on the floor and crush you into pulp! Understand?”

Miriel nodded, eyes wide, “r-right, you’re human, got it!”

“Now,” She growled, “fill me in on exactly what is going on?”

Miriel swallowed nervously, “well, my sister always said that humans weren’t really all that bad, that elves and humans might be able to get along someday, so I decided to go and kind of… try it myself?”

Shelby couldn’t help but laugh, “so I am to understand that you decided to cross a heavily militarized border because you wanted to attempt a peace mission, by yourself?”

“Well it sounds dumb when you put it like that!” Miriel said, a little offended as she hugged the handkerchief around herself.

…

The mob of tiny humans on the desk shouted angrily, their tiny voices a throng that filled the room of the house where Tyrael and her apprentices had hidden. The house’s owner, a middle-aged woman, had also been shrunk and placed with the others, another unfortunate necessity in a search mission that had increasingly gone off the rails.

“All right listen up!” Tyrael said, scowling over the dozens of shrunken victims, “everything is going to be fine; we’re going to return you to the other humans as soon as we can!”

“She’s lying!” one man shouted, a candle merchant with a wiry beard and a surprisingly handsome face, “she’s going to throw us all in her shoes or something!”

Tyrael rolled her eyes, “I’m not lying, I just want everyone to be calm and cooperate until we get this over with-“

“No, this is it, this is where the elves torture us!” the candle merchant insisted.

Tyrael scowled, “Look here, you all attacked us, so-“

“You were invading our town!” the butcher shouted, and the rest of the tiny humans nodded and shouted in agreement.

“As if I’d invade a town by myself!” Tyrael said in exasperation.

“Hey, we’re here too mistress!” one of her apprentices said, “we’d follow you to hell itself!”

She gave a small smile, “of course girls…” a pair of half trained mages who can’t take on a single human inquisitor between the two of them… Gods have mercy.

“I think this knife eared whore is just getting to the point where she makes us choose who gets eaten!” the butcher shouted.

Her apprentices scowled angrily, and moved forward, but Tyrael looked down at the tiny human and held up a hand. The crowd of shrunken people went quiet, and Tyrael slowly leaned down until her enormous face was just over the butcher.

“I want everyone to think about something,” she said slowly, “if I was an elf out to torture and enslave all of you, I’d probably not respond well to being called a knife-eared whore, now would I?” She gave a small smug smile at the butcher, who quaked under her gaze. “Answer?” she asked sweetly.

“I uh… suppose not,” the butcher stammered, fighting the twin urges to run and wet himself.

Tyrael reached a finger down to pat the human on his head, “luckily, I’m just here to find my sister, so instead of crunching you like a beetle under my boots, I’m going to have my apprentices bring some bread and dried fruits for you all until we figure out what our next step is. Does everyone like that plan?” The humans nodded, silently, and Tyrael beamed, “I’m glad we all had this talk.” With that she sighed, collapsing into the table’s chair as her apprentices went to the kitchen to carry out her orders.

“Hey!” one human shouted, parting from the others, “hey, Elf!”

Tyrael glanced down at the table, “yes?”

“Is your sister Miriel?”

Tyrael shot upright, her hand slamming the table on either side of the tiny human and causing him to stumble, “Yes! Have you seen her?”

Bertram nodded, “Yes, and we really need to talk.

…

Tyrael listened intently as Bertram explained how things had escalated over the few days since he’d met Miriel, how they’d fallen in with an oblivious inquisitor, and how he’d ended up here. At the end of it Tyrael was chuckling, holding Bertram in her hand and gently running a finger along his hair in a motion he wasn’t sure if he liked or not.

“So this Shelby woman has Miriel,” Tyrael mused, gently toying with Bertram as she thought. He shouted in surprise as his body was turned upside down by a casual roll of her middle finger, then flipped right side up again as her ring finger had its turn. Humans do make the best fidget toys, she thought with a smile, watching the human struggle to remain upright as she slowly twirled him in her hand. “The goblin you saw at the flower shop,” she continued, “that’s your real culprit… I’d wager my family’s entire estate on it.”

“Y-Yeah, that’s what I’ve been thinking too,” Bertram grunted as he rolled back down into her palm.

“Do you suppose if we brought this Goblin to the Imperials, they’d let Miriel and the rest of us go home?” Tyrael asked.

“Uh…” Bertram rolled out of the way of a grasping finger as the elf continued to casually toy with him. She smirked, seeming to enjoy his efforts, “yeah,” he managed, “if you really haven’t killed anyone, and gave yourselves up peacefully… they might toss you in jail for a few days until someone from the capital can come talk to you, maybe that Von Berger guy with the snake women, but I think you’d be released.”

“It might be the easiest way to resolve all of this without starting a war,” Tyrael sighed, “I’ve been in human captivity before, I can stomach another stint if it prevents bloodshed.” She glanced at her two apprentices, who were feeding the collected shrunken humans cake crumbs from the home’s pantry. It might even do those two some good… “You’ll vouch for my good intentions, I’m sure?” she asked Bertram.

“I’ll say whatever you want,” he replied, “but just so you know, my reputation with the law around here isn’t great, it might help you more to have me say nothing.”

“Interesting,” Tyrael said, raising an eyebrow, “now what exactly was the nature of your relationship with my sister? Has she enjoyed caring for a reduced human?”

Bertram fought a blush, “uh… yeah, she’s enjoyed it.”

Tyrael sighed contentedly, “good…” she giggled, “I wonder… would you like to come back with us? A human companion might be just what my sister needs, you seem a worldly type, she’s a decent spellcaster and smart enough, but just terribly naïve… and you know fifty-year-olds, always looking to spread their wings and see the world!”

Miriel’s fifty? He blinked and moved on, “I uh… don’t know if that would be a good idea Miss Tyrael,” he said.

“Yes, that blasted treaty does complicate things,” Tyrael sighed, missing Bertram’s reluctance, “we’ll have to come back to it… For now, do you know anyone who deals in stolen or smuggled goods? Someone who could lead us to this goblin?”

“I do,” Bertram said, sighing as he realized that whatever favors he owed Christina were about to get an order of magnitude worse.

“Right,” Tyrael said, standing up and gently slipping Bertram into her cleavage. She stood up and loomed over the tiny mob of humans on the table, “here’s my proposal humans, we will regrow you one at a time, you quietly go upstairs, and then wait for us to leave, you don’t come back down until you hear us leave. Does this work for all of you?” The humans muttered amongst themselves, but considering what most had expected from being shrunk by an elven mage, it was a remarkably good outcome.  

Bertram watched from his place in Tyrael’s cleavage as, one by one, the humans the elven trio had shrunk were restored to their full size, marching up the stairs of the house to wait until the elves left. It only took a few minutes to go through them all, until only a single one was left besides Bertram.

“Mistress,” one of the apprentices said, carrying the human up to Tyrael, “there’s something wrong with this human!” She held the candle maker up, the man dangling by one arm.

Tyrael gave her apprentice an annoyed look, “what could possibly-“

“This is when you’re going to shove me in a shoe, aren’t you?” he said a little too quickly, “probably because I was rallying the others! I’ll never kiss your elven feet! You can’t make me!”

“We’re not-“ Tyrael began.

“Or maybe you’ll crush my will by making me rub your feet after a long day of shrinking humans?” the candlemaker said, his voice cracking a little, “I’ll never break-“

“It’s just on and on like this Mistress,” the apprentice said, a little concerned, “I know you said they get more durable when they’re tiny, but I’m worried he hit his head or something.”

“I’m not going to give up and serve you, even if you make me paint your toenails and kiss each one afterwards!” the candlemaker continued.

Tyrael rubbed her chin a moment, then smirked, then giggled, then had to fight down a snort of laughter, “Okay… this human needs to learn his place, that of a pathetic human beneath elven feet!” The apprentices looked at each other, confused, while the candlemaker fought to keep excitement off his face.

“B-But mistress Tyrael, that seems to go against much of what you’ve said about humans!” one began as Tyrael slowly pulled off her boot.

Tyrael ignored her, looking at the dangling candlemaker, “would it break your will more to be put against my insole or in my sock?”

The candlemaker licked his lips, “My uh… will would obviously break if it was the insole mistress!”

Tyrael chuckled, grabbing the candlemaker from her apprentice, then dangling him over the mouth of her boot, “Now human, you will lick every drop of my sweat from that insole and contemplate your place as you rest beneath my toes!” she dropped him in, waving teasingly to him as he fell with a shout.

With a satisfied sigh Tyrael slowly slid her boot on, gently nudging the human into the toe and letting her socked foot slide over him. He was instantly coated in a thin layer of grime as she scrunched her toes over him playfully, making sure he was in a spot where the full weight of her steps wouldn’t be coming down on him. She took a moment to lace the boot back up, sealing the tiny human in his new prison.

“What was that!?” Bertram asked, a little stunned. Up until now Tyrael had seemed a lot like Miriel, a nice elf, or as nice as an elf could be.

“Oh relax,” she said dismissively, tapping Bertram’s head and forcing him a little lower into her cleavage, “I assure you that man is having the time of his life… as much as you may not want to admit it there is a certain type of human that loves being made an elf’s tiny plaything, or has my sister been unable to convince you?” Bertram’s embarrassed silence told her everything she needed to know about his own thoughts on the subject, and Tyrael smiled, “it doesn’t hurt anyone to… indulge in such desires now and then Bertram.” She scrunched her toes over her prisoner again, and she could swear the tiny human was trying to embrace them in the dark humid confines of her boot.

“Humans are certainly strange,” one of her apprentices muttered, looking down at Tyrael’s boot and chewing her lip.

“Aren’t they just delightful?” Tyrael said, “now then, Bertram, you said you had a criminal acquaintance that might know our Goblin?”

…

Christina walked to the back door when she heard the knock, sliding the viewslot open and expecting Miriel and Bertram. Bertram she certainly got, but her eyes went wide as she saw a trio of elves, one in a starry black robe holding him up to the slot to talk.

“Christina, let us in!” Bertram said eagerly, “we can’t be on the streets like this!”

Her eyes bulged, “No way! One elf was bad enough, how in the name of the gods did you end up with three?”

“Well, you remember that time I told you if you loaned me some money, I could pay you back triple in a few days?” he said sheepishly, “see, my system works!”

“Great, try it with gold next time and not knife-ears!” she hissed.

“Just open the door Christina, don’t make me ask the elves to blow it up again!”

Christina’s eyes narrowed, “No! You’ve got to give me something this time!”

He scowled and looked back at the elves, “Do you three have anything valuable?”

“We’ve got that other shrunken human,” one of the apprentices offered.

“Uh… what else?” Bertram asked, hoping Christina hadn’t heard.

…

Christina lounged behind her shop counter, Tyrael’s starry elven archmage robe draped over her form, “it’s quite soft,” she said smugly.

“Indeed,” Tyrael said with a scowl, itching the plain brown wool robe Christina had given her in “trade.”

“And I see Bert has found himself wedged between another pair of elven tits, comfy?” she asked with a smirk.

Bertram decided not to let her get to him, and he gave a flirty grin, “best seat in the house, now as much fun as it is serving as the tour guide for every elf that wants to visit Gustavsberg-“

“I’ve been here before actually,” Tyrael said helpfully, “back during the inv-“ she stopped, seeing Christina’s look, “that is to say, Bertram’s been very helpful.”

“He sure does seem to attract elves,” Christina said, leveling her gaze at him, “now, why did you drag these three here? If they’re hoping to hide out here too there’s only the one bed up in the attic and I’m not sharing mine.”

“We’re looking for a goblin, one who knows how to use magic,” Bertram explained, “Miriel and the inquisitor were trying to question her when everything in the town square went wrong.”

The front door to the shop barged open, causing all of them to jump, “We’re closed!” Christina shouted, scurrying for the pistol she kept behind the counter.

“Call this a social visit then,” Shelby said, strutting into the shop with a tiny Miriel in her front pocket, “after you regrew your prisoners, they all walked to the nearest guard station and told us everything, and I’ve been having a chat with this little lady as well…” she gently tapped the top of Miriel’s head. “I’m willing to entertain the possibility that you all are not here for sinister purposes.” She smiled, “I do believe I heard something about a goblin?”

“Bertram seems to believe one is responsible for shrinking him, as well as your guards,” Tyrael said, giving Shelby a wary look, “if true, this greenskin has caused quite an incident between our peoples.”

“Agreed,” Shelby barked, “but before we pursue the goblin hypothesis, I need to confirm all three of you are innocent.”

“And how would you do that?” Tyrael asked, raising an eyebrow.

“I’m going to need to taste you all,” Shelby said as if it was the most obvious thing in the world.

There was silence in the room a moment before Tyrael spoke, “I’m sorry, what!?”

…

Shelby sucked on the second apprentices finger a moment, the pulled away, smacking her lips. She paused a moment, then grinned.

“You’re all good,” Shelby said, “four innocent elves, gods what an unlikely occurrence…”

“I told you!” Miriel said, hugging Bertram close and planting a quick peck on his cheek. The two of them had been restored to full size, Miriel easily enough, Bertram with some work, but between the four elves they’d managed to “pry the knot undone” as they’d said, and force the curse off of him.

“Feel good to be big again?” Christina asked, watching the elf practically drape herself over the thief.

“Being small had its moments,” Bertram admitted as Miriel giggled, “but… yeah, it’s good to be back.”

“So, about this Goblin,” Tyrael asked, “you’ve had dealings with her?”

“I think you’re talking about Nen, a chubby little goblin who knows a few spells,” Christina said, “she always has stuff that she says is from the Goblin clans, but it’s a sort of open secret among us merchants that she’s getting it from the Elven side of the border.”

“A smuggler,” Tyrael sighed, “I wonder what her goal is? Tighter security on the border would certainly increase the price of her goods…”

“She could just be covering her own tracks,” Shelby said, “since this whole elf hunt has started, we haven’t spent much time on anything else, I’m sure she’s driving her wagons around without any guards so much as inspecting them.”

“Can you find this Goblin?” Miriel asked.

“I guess I could call a meeting with her,” Christina said, crossing her arms, “but we’d have to have something she wants, her stuff’s expensive and I don’t buy a lot of it, she’ll be suspicious if I just send for her, especially with everything that’s happened.”

“She smuggles things to the elven side of the border too, right?” Bertram asked, “maybe you have something that sells for a lot over there?”

Tyrael sighed angrily, “the biggest illicit good in demand in Elven cities from here is… well,” she chewed her lip, thinking of how to explain it to the humans present.

“Shrunken people,” Shelby said with a smirk, “yes, we know, although I doubt even a smuggler like this goblin would be foolish enough to engage in such a trade.”

“What if there was a special order?” Bertram asked, “a customer offering so much she couldn’t refuse?”

“Yeah,” Christina muttered, rubbing her chin, “I could contact her and say I’ve got an elf wanting a tiny human, and I just need to get him over the border, big money for both of us…”

“So all we’d need is merchandise…” Shelby muttered, grinning as she looked at Bertram.

His eyes went wide, “Wait, come on, what about that guy in Tyrael’s boot-“

“Excuse me, what?” Shelby asked, looking to the elf angrily.

Tyrael went white and tried to think of an explanation that wouldn’t set the inquisitor off, “It was a mutual… cultural exchange?”

“Trust me the guy will be angrier at you for pulling him out of there,” Bertram confirmed with a sigh.

Shelby was quiet a minute, “I’ll confirm that later…” she scowled and muttered something under her breath but all Bertram could make out was “degenerates.”

“I really think you should be our bait Bertram,” Miriel said with a wink, “you’re a brave human, and a handsome one, it makes sense that you’d be exactly what an elf wants in a pet.” His face went a little red as he felt Miriel’s slide an arm around him.

Gods be damned if I’m not enchanted, “Fine,” he said, “I’ll do it, but I want to be big again as soon as it’s over, understand!”

“Of course,” Miriel said.

“Right,” Shelby said with a nod, “let’s begin working on the sting then…”

Miriel slowly pulled Bertram’s arm, and he followed her away from the rest of the group with a quiet frown, “What?” he asked quietly as they entered the stairwell.

“Let Tyrael and the Inquisitor worry about the plan,” Miriel giggled, “we’ll rejoin them later.”

A slow grin spread across Bertram’s face as Miriel continued to lead him upstairs, “and what did you want to do to pass the time?”

She smirked and walked her fingers up his cheat, “I wanted to see if humans are as fun to play with at full size as they are tiny…”

“No shrinking spells?” he joked.

Miriel winked, “not unless you ask.”

He stared at her round bottom as she climbed the small stepladder to the attic, we’ll have to see how much time we have…