“Hi I’m Johnny Maze here for the N-hance at home portable size alteration device, the size specialist powered by who knows what and is defiantly safe to use around the house” a high energy man in a black polo shirt with a bright blue logo embroidered over the heart said as he popped on screens of millions of viewers in order to usher in the newest thing worthy of another wacky and zany infomercial.
“The N-hance works by some kind of special science that you or I won’t even come close to understanding ever so don’t think to much about it. And is the all in one size altering tool to fit your everyday needs” the man said skimming over the details of the inner machinations of the product as he picked up the blue and silver device that oddly resembled a gun of some sort from its display stand on the table in front of him.
“Our patented two way size guide gives you the power to customize the size of anything around the house or out in public you want all in a single form function tool, the only limit is your own imagination” the guy said with an erie grin as as he looked into the camera.
“It works on all kinds of things like laundry, furniture, and even food“ the guy said before rapid firing the device at a pile of laundry that stood taller that him, a single frozen pizza fresh out of the oven, and a bulky living room set alongside a dining room table and a king sized bed.
“Use it to clean fallen debris out of your yard, to take care of never being able to find a parking space, or to get rid of those pesky little varmints that tear up your lawn” he said as displays of homeowners using the device in the ways he had described flashed on screen, with an older man picking up and entire tree with his hand, a young woman picking up her shrunken car with the tips of her fingers and before delicately sticking it between her ample bosom, and an older woman firing away at the pests that ran through her garden.
“Use it to add to an already amazing dinner by having it grow your food so large you could feed a small army with just this one apple” he said before placing the apple in his hand down on the floor and firing the device again causing it to expand in size right in front of him. “Wow now that’s what I call good eats” he said taking a chunk out of the apple and chewing as his very briefly flash a sinister red.
“Have you always wanted that hundred inch flat screen but couldn’t afford it, well now you can and for a fraction of the price” the man said before aiming the device at a minuscule eighteen inch screen and blowing it up to a more acceptable size, “Now that’s more like it” he said gesturing to the massive device behind him.
“Tired of the trash always taking up so much space before pick up day, we’ll now with the N-hance the only issue now is what to do with all of this” the man said gesturing to the empty garage space that contrasted against a before and after shot that showed it having the area filled completely with garbage bags and other assorted trash that now fit nice and neatly in a single place is grocery bag.
“And that’s not all because unlike other size altertering devices, the N-hance at home portable size alteration device also works on people too” the man said before the lighting became softer and dimmer giving the room a more private and sensual feeling as he went on with his pitch.
“Fellas have you always worried you weren’t enough for your lady, well worry no more cause the N-hance can help fix any issues of inadequacy you may have, and don’t worry ladies because the N-hance works just as good for you too”the guy said as he stepped between two less than average models, one being a scrawny mousy little man in a speedo and the other being a flat chested woman in a two piece bikini.
Both models had their own devices aimed at their desired body parts and took the hint to fire once the cameras had focused in on them.
“Simply press the ‘After Dark’ button to switch from messing with things around the house to add a bit more spice to the bedroom then set the device to isolate and aim at the body part you want to enlarge and voila “ the man informed, timing his lines just right so that the woman’s bikini top and the man’s speedo came flying off their bodies as he finished up with the scene. All while the articles of clothing were unable to withstand the growing size of their owners newly acquired body parts, leading to a sizable black bar to be superimposed on screen to preserve both models modesty as the male models penis now hung past his knees as the woman struggled slightly with her now basketball sized breasts.
“And if that doesn’t float your boat switch the N-hance back to its factory setting in order to make all of your body parts your ideal size” the guy said as he walked across the screen passing a naked woman the size of a small house who had her legs tucked up to her chest in order to keep from making a scene.
“You can even use it to give you and your friends the times of their lives or show your partner a good time” he said as he passed behind two tables, one with a nude woman sprawled out over top with black bars over her privates as a group of tiny men crawled all up and down her body summiting her breasts and spelunking into her crotch, with the other having a naked man siting on top with a tiny naked woman sitting on top of his greatly enlarged black barred cock easily the size of his thigh.
I guaranty that once you purchase the N-hance at home portable size alteration device you will never need another size alteration device and to show you I’m serious about that if you call in the next thirty minutes I’ll throw in another the N-hance at home portable size alteration device for absolutely no extra charge” the guy said coming back to a less provocative setting.
“And for our first one hundred callers the total price of everything will be a total fifty percent off, that’s right fifty percent off for our first one hundred callers on top of receiving an additional N-hance at home portable size alteration device for absolutely no added charge, so what are you waiting for, call toll free now” the guy added as held held up the device to show off to the audience as a phone number flashed below him on screen for the remainder of the commercial.
The last remaining moments consisted of a very fast disembodied voice listing a wordy disclaimer to the audience.
“Warning, do not use the N -hance at home portable size alteration device for illegal activity or lawful misconduct, do not intentionally misuse the N -hance at home portable size alteration device on unauthorized or unaware personnel as failure to comply with this may result in the permanent alteration of an individual’s size, side effects over rampant overuse of the N -hance at home portable size alteration device may include but are not limited to permanent genital enlargement in males, permanent enlargement of breast tissue in females, bone fractures, bones spurs, muscle deficiency, rapid muscle growth, rapid muscle loss heart palpitations, heart failure , permanent abnormalities or damage to brain cells, the creators and distributors of the N -hance at home portable size alteration device and subsidiaries are not responsible for any permanent damage or criminal acts caused or performed by and with the N -hance at home portable size alteration device, please use responsibly”