Whoopdee fuckin' do.
No, I'm kiddin', see. I fuckin' love Christmas.
Or, I would love it, but certain fuckheads seem to be out to stop me from ever having a good Christmas.
Figured it out yet?
Yeah, my fuckin' dad. Again.
I feel like I always talk about him which may lead someone to think I actually, you know, give a shit.
But it's like stepping in a pile of shit. Just having it close makes you want to kill something, and it smells bad too. Then it's all you can talk about to your friends, Oh I stepped in a pile of shit this morning and this and that.
But, anyway. It's fuckin' Christmas, and I'm hangin out here with my dad., though it was probably less hangin out and more trying not to kill each other.
See, I had picked up this real nice Christmas tree earlier in the day, and I was decoratin' it up, real nice-like. It was god damn beautiful, a fuckin work of art. You ain't never seen a tree like this one and you probably never will.
That's how good it was.
So, my stupid dad comes in he says to me, he says.
"What tha fuck do you think ya doin' Celia? This is Christmas, don't use the god damn clear ornaments, use the fancy glass ones! Sheesh!" he says.
Now, I had both sets of ornaments out, not cause I wanted to just look at 'em like some kinda moron, but cause I planned on fuckin' usin' both.
So I tell him, "Why the fuck do you give a shit about how I decorate my tree?"
And of course, this sets him off.
"Oh it's your tree now is it? All that I do for you and now you're takin the tree too? Ya ungrateful bitch."
He said that last part quietly, thought I didn't hear.
"Oh by the way, me and the boys are gonna be spending Christmas at my place this year, so you'll need to behave."
Now, lemme explain somethin' first. "The boys" that he's referring to are his buddies in organized crime. A lowlife gang of thugs that I've wanted to off myself on several occasions after a certain incident in which I was forced to spend some other holiday hidin the body of some guy they felt just had to die.
And he says I'M the one who needs to behave.
So, bein the modern, upstart woman I am, I give him my opinion on the matter. I tell him fuck no. Then he pulls the whole, no ifs ands or buts about it. Like that shit really applies to anything anymore.
But, I can tell he doesn't wanna give up on this point, so I decide it's time to do some negotiatin'. You know, make him an offer he can't refuse.
So I tell him, look, you can bring your shitty friends over, under the condition that I get to bring some of my friends over.
"Are they boys?"
Are they boys, he says. Fuckin' idiot still treating me like a defenseless child.
"What the fuck does it matter, do you agree or not." I yell back at him.
"Ok, fine." He says, giving up quickly like he always does. "But if they get in our way, you're in big trouble."
Like he could do anything to me if he even tried.
So, it's Christmas Eve. Much as I wanted to invite a whole bunch of guys to spite my father, I don't. Mainly cause my best friends are all girls. Isabella, Tina, and Anjelica.
Now, this is where all the shit began. See, I didn't know it at the time, but it turns out Isabella's dad is also in this whole organized crime bullshit. Problem is, he's not exactly friendly with the boys and my dad.
But as shitty a father as he is, my dad wouldn't dare pull anything off around me.
Problem is, he wasn't the only one in the house that night. He and the boys were in the kitchen, smoking up a thick cloud of smoke while me and my friends just sat in front of the TV and talked about stuff.
Somehow, Isabella's father is mentioned, and the fact that Isabella isn't 10 feet away from them comes up. Next thing I know, one of the boys comes up with a gun and presses it into the back of her head.
Isabella's lucky I was there, I've got pretty fast reflexes, see, so I was able to pull the gun away at the last second. Problem was I wasn't able to stop it from being fired, right into my tit.
I'd always heard gunshots are supposed to be life threatening, but I've long discovered I'm not like normal people. I've got all these strange powers, and one of them that I've always been curious about but never been able to test was if I could take a bullet.
Turns out, yes, yes I can.
So now I'm super fuckin' pissed, and I break this guys gun in half and shrink him. It was all over in like a second. I tell my friends to have fun with him, but not to break him while I disappear for a second.
Now while I wasn't there, Isabella told me that they stepped all over that guy for fun. Strange but that's the first thing I did when encountered with a shrunken guy too, maybe it's just natural or somethin'.
Fuck if I know.
So they're over there rubbing their feet all over this guy and breakin' some bones and I go pay a visit to the boys who are all now lookin at me pretty wide eyed, but I'm more pissed than anything so I shrink them all at once, except for my father, who I still can't affect for whatever reason. So instead I lie and say I spared him but he's not allowed back in the house.
Bein' a coward, he splits. Naturally.
So I come back to my friends, with a handful of scared criminals and without even breakin up my movements, I step on the guy I told them to play with. He would've been no match for me at all beforehand, but now that he was as small as he was, he should be lucky I only smashed him under a bare foot, and not under some chunky boots or someth.g
So, I divide the boys evenly amongst us, and we all go to the tree, pulling off the clear glass ornaments my dad had said were shitty.
And then, we stuffed them inside, letting them rot for all I care as they're stuck on a tree.
So that's what happened on Christmas, but that's not the biggest reason I'm upset. See, my father came back, begging to be allowed and I caved, letting him in.
Things are back to how they were before, and in this case that's anything but good.
Still, getting to kill off the boys made for a pretty awkward first week back.
Awkward for him that is. Hilarious for me.