TIMG: CHAPTER 3
"So, uhh...we were just making our way home from school together, and...um...well, I guess you could say we weren't really paying much attention to where we were going or what we were doing, but we promise you that we had the absolute best of intentions throughout all of this, and we're extremely sorry for causing so much trouble, and-"
"Shh..." Toriel shushed Alphys and Undyne (who were both rambling their very clearly pre-rehearsed excuses at the exact same time), putting an index finger over both of their mouths.
"Never mind that, my children; in fact, if there's ANYTHING that you two jolly ranchers SHOULD be worried about, it's the recent afternoon news about how some kind of profoundly mysterious and seemingly preposterous giant-robot creature has just recently invaded the Underground!" Toriel explained as she went behind the counter (after all, she was the woman that ran the place) and magically assembled a nice big platter of assorted, mostly alcoholic drinks for her 13-year-old assistant manager, Burgerpants, to dish out to all of the customers.
"Oh dear, this is already beginning to sound like something out of one of my Japanese animes!" Alphys stammered in fear as her knees began quivering and wobbling like a bowl full of Jell-O.
"Dear god, I sure hope this turns out like the Macross saga of Robotech and not any of those OTHER crappy-ass sagas!" Undyne trembled and shook, biting her razor-sharp nails in terror.
"OH GOD, PLEASE NO!" Alphys cringed at the mere mention of Robotech's non-Macross sagas.
"GUYS!" Toriel yelled at them to get their attention back on her and the main subject of the conversation. "Honestly, we really don't know much about this thing yet; all we know is that it looks extremely handsome...like, EXTREMELY!"
"Are we talking, like, Tuxedo Mask handsome?" Alphys asked curiously with a slight giggle.
"SOTN Alucard handsome, perhaps?" Undyne inquired, biting her lip anxiously.
"Think, like, somewhere in-between those two, and you'll pretty much be right on the money if you ask me!" Toriel laughed, pulling up a picture of David Bowie on her iPhone and displaying it to the two of them...which, predictably enough, caused the two of them to swoon with delight.
"KAWAII DESU NEEEEEE!" Alphys and Undyne both crooned in unison as they got back up, hugged each other lovingly and smooched each other right on the lips in public.
"Burgerpants, I'm sorry, but I really just don't have the patience to deal with these two right now...could you please try and strike up a friendly conversation with them while I bring out the next few batches of drinks? I'll be sure to bring the three of you a very special set of lovingly made milkshakes!" Toriel whispered in Burgerpants' ear, smooching him on the cheek in public.
Once Burgerpants had finally recovered from practically blushing his face off and fainting onto the floor from sheer embarrassment, he immediately ran right over to the table where Alphys and Undyne had chosen to sit together while Toriel brought the three of them milkshakes.
"Hey, dudettes, what's up?" Burgerpants, who was somehow no less than six feet tall and had the voice of a full-grown man despite his rather diminutive age, greeted Alphys and Undyne, who both waved back at him like kittens and meowed like stereotypical anime catgirls in response.
"Oh, god...as if my current day hasn't already been MORE than long enough..." Burgerpants thought to himself miserably, clutching his head with his hands and trying desperately not to go insane while Alphys and Undyne began stroking his fur and making obnoxious weeaboo noises.
"Alright, look, guys; there's a certain thing called WORDS! And honestly, you two REALLY oughta try USING them sometime!" Burgerpants yelled frustratedly at Alphys and Undyne, slapping both of them right across their faces in hopes of finally making them snap out of their weeaboo fantasies.
"Well, okay then; FINE, Mister I-Know-Everything-There-Is-To-Know-About-Social-Skills! I suppose I WILL use my words for once! Please tell me, sir; what's going on with your freaking FACE right now?!" Undyne jeered sarcastically at Burgerpants...who, at the moment, was grotesquely contorting his face into god-knows-how-many different (but all pretty much equally ridiculously and wildly exaggerated) facial expressions straight out of Ren & Stimpy.
"Well, just to make a long wiener short, it would appear that I currently have a wild SQUIRREL(!) scampering about in my blue jeans! Believe me, I'm trying REALLY(!) hard not to flip out here!" Burgerpants winced and stammered and squealed in pain as said squirrel trampled his dick with its incredibly sharp treerat claws and left numerous punctures in his legs.
"Oh boy, did somebody just say SQUIRRELS?!" Doggo roared with excitement, running around uncontrollably in a circle and making random, utterly spastic barking noises while his tablemate, Lesser Dog, stretched its neck all the way up through the roof in arousal; as you might expect, they were both wagging their tails at the speed of sound and panting up a storm anew with their tongues.
"Oh, sweet merciful crap, it's heading NORTH now! WE'RE ALL DOOMED! HOO-HA-OW-OH-OOF-OW-OOF-AAH! OHHHHHH, you f%# ing CHEEKY little c%#t, you!" Burgerpants laughed and yelled and rambled dementedly in what could only be described as one HELL of a chronic fit of panic and anxiety as the squirrel crawled its way up into his torso region, left an untold number of claw marks and bite marks lining the surface of his back and chest, and even went as far as to bite his nipples and twist them...which, of course, caused him to squeal like a woman.
"It's JUST like one of my Japanese ANIMES!" Alphys laughed sadistically while Burgerpants kneeled onto the ground, clutched his crotch and wailed miserably in pain.
"Sweet jumping Jesus on a stick, Alphys, what in the actual unholy name of F#%& do you WATCH?!" Undyne yelled disgustedly and somewhat confusedly at her as Burgerpants grabbed his pants zipper and readied himself to finally unleash the inevitable upon Silver Sleet while the wild squirrel that was currently in the part of his clothing where his underwear would have been if he actually had the decency to wear such a thing waited deliberately and intently.
"Ladies and gentlemen, I apologize dearly for this, but when you're going commando like I do on a daily basis, sometimes a soldier's gotta do what a horny testosterone-loaded teenage prick like me's gotta DO!" Burgerpants laughed and snickered douchily as he reluctantly and very humiliatedly unzipped his fly, causing the squirrel to immediately pounce out into the restaurant, knocking over basically every glass container in the entire dining area of the building and sending nearly all of the customers (except for the dogs, of course) running out the doors screaming.
"Oh Lord, I think I'm coming down with a case of the vapors!" Toriel moaned in despair as she twirled around on her heels, put the back of her hand over her forehead and fainted head-over-heels onto the floor, dropping the entire plate of beverages that she had been carrying at the moment all over both herself and the neatly tiled floor in one huge, chaotic mess of broken glass, ice cream, cherries, whipped cream, limes, and crappily thrown-together mixed drinks.
"ARF! RUFF! WOOF! BARK!" Lesser Dog, Greater Dog and Doggo barked, growled and roared in unison as they furiously rampaged all over the place like an enraged buffalo in a china shop, trying with all of their might and failing miserably to catch the squirrel (and knocking over literally every single table, decoration, chair, garbage bin and food additive that wasn't firmly bolted into the floor as a result, of course, because after all, why wouldn't they, am I right?)
"GAH!" Alphys and Undyne shrieked in terror, hugging each other tightly and trembling with fear as the squirrel hissed angrily at them, baring its fangs and maliciously creeping across the tiles toward them...when suddenly, sure enough, Burgerpants swooped in to save the day!
"SHOO, FOUL BEAST, SHOO AND NEVER COME BACK HERE!" Burgerpants yelled valiantly, smacking the squirrel upside the head with a rolled-up newspaper (of which the headline read SKELETON BROTHERS RELEASE RABID SQUIRRELS INTO TOWN) and chasing it right out the door, which he then immediately slammed shut to make sure that the squirrel wouldn't come back in.
"Hey, Burgerpants, are you alright?" Alphys, who was somehow wearing geta sandals at the moment for some odd and peculiar reason (SPOILERS: so was Undyne) asked Burgerpants curiously.
"Well, aside from the fact that my entire body is covered with goddamned scars, I've more than likely got a severe case of freaking HERPES right now, and my feet are currently bleeding even more so than they normally SWEAT on a daily basis...why, I'd say I'm doing just perfectly f%$&ing FINE, thank you very MUCH!" Burgerpants ranted angrily at Alphys and Undyne as he walked out the front door and slammed it shut yet again, leaving a trail of blood-dust behind him as he dejectedly and miserably walked back to his private house deep in the Snowdin woods.
"Wow, what the hell's HIS problem?" Undyne groaned, shaking her head annoyedly.
"Whatever it is, he's freaking HOT!" Alphys moaned with intense excitement and delight, tapping her foot repeatedly on the platform of her massively oversized sandals like a jackrabbit, panting and drooling uncontrollably and fervently like an overexcited dog, and (of course) wagging her tail vigorously fast as she began erotically daydreaming about Burgerpants' dreamy face, and his gorgeously muscular abs, and his ever-so-wonderfully-handsome-
"Alphys, what the hell's gotten into you?!" Undyne yelled worriedly at Alphys, slapping her across the face to knock her back into focus; after all, it WAS basically the only thing that worked.
"MEOW! MEW! MROW! PURR!" Alphys began obnoxiously meowing and purring like a cat while Undyne scooped her right back up onto her shoulders and carried her back home with her to Toriel's foster home...which, funnily enough, was pretty much just an average-sized three-story house, with basically all of the types of tacky fixtures you would expect from such a place.
"Just you WAIT, Alphys...we WILL meet again, oh yes we WILL!" Flowey laughed and whispered dementedly to himself as he burrowed himself into the ground, popped out in a nearby forest clearing and listened intently to Alphys' and Undyne's completely unimportant conversation.
"Oh, STEPMOTHER, we're HOME!" Alphys and Undyne both yelled to get Toriel's attention as the two of them kicked down the front door of the goat lady's creepy old formerly-abandoned house and came barging right in as if they owned the place, which ironically was actually pretty damned close to more-or-less officially being the case here...much to Toriel's chagrin, of course.
Giantess World
