TIMG: CHAPTER 7
Very early the next morning, at about 5:00 AM to be exact, Alphys and Undyne were now pacing around their room and scratching their chins in a profoundly puzzled manner, trying to come up with an effective new plan of action to counter Asriel's recent...ahem...ADVANCES.
"So, what do you think we should do with Mettaton? Like, where should we take him and stuff?" Undyne asked Alphys curiously, looking out the attic's massive window and admiring the somehow still-aurora-lit view with Alphys as the two of them hugged each other yet again.
"Well, you tell me, Undyne; who's the incredibly creepy and eccentric pervert around here that (somehow) no one will EVER initially suspect of secretly harboring a giant potentially-killer robot that presumably came from another planet in his private residence?" Alphys asked Undyne quizzically, smirking intently as Undyne promptly followed suit in realization of how utterly brilliant Alphys' new plan actually was.
"Um, okay, look, Alphys; I really like the idea, and I'm really happy for you, and I'm going to let you finish...but are you SURE we should be hanging out with a creepy f%#& like BURGERPANTS?!" Undyne yelled confusedly at Alphys, flailing her arms up and down like a human hummingbird while Alphys began awkwardly patting her on the head to calm her down.
"Oh, RELAX, you; TRUST me, it'll be perfectly FINE! In fact, believe it or not, Burgerpants is actually kind of a really cool guy once you get to know him..." Alphys whispered excitedly as she pressed her palms together, leaned her head onto her hands and began softly squeaking with joy at the mere thought of how incredibly dreamy Burgerpants apparently was to her.
"Um, Earth to Alphys? HELLO?" Undyne sighed and facepalmed annoyedly, waving her hand in front of Alphys' suddenly frozen-like-a-living-statue face to try and get her to move again.
"Well, if you can't beat 'em, then I suppose the next best option is to deFEET 'em, am I right?" Undyne chuckled wholeheartedly as she stuck her foot into Alphys' wide-open, drooling mouth...only for the incredibly big-toothed little dinosaur to then immediately chomp down on it, causing the poor fish lady to squeal in pain as she hopped up and down on one foot and held the other by the ankle, shooting the already-playfully-giggling Alphys a mean look in response.
"Alright, Toriel, we're heading out now! GOODBYE!" Alphys and Undyne called out to Toriel as they redressed themselves back into their regular standard outfits, walked out the front door (surprisingly NOT kicking it open this time), and made their way over to the barn, where Mettaton was luckily and very surpisingly still safe and sound...and snoring excruciatingly loudly, of course.
"Have a good day, children...hopefully better than the one I'm probably going to be having today, at any rate..." Toriel, who had just finished taking her daily morning shower, sighed as she suited up in her work uniform and went back into the bathroom to brush her teeth.
"Yo, Mettaton! Wake up, sleepyhead!" Undyne loudly banged the kitchen ladle against one of the kitchen frying pans and yelled at Mettaton...who, amazingly enough, was still asleep.
"We've got some tasty delicious METAL for you!" Alphys teased him, crossing her legs and crossing her arms behind her back in a manner that only someone as cute as her could truly do justice.
"OOH, METAL?! WHERE?!" Mettaton roared with delight as he instantaneously transformed back into his EX form and leapt straight up through the roof of the barn, shattering pretty much the entire building into pieces while Alphys and Undyne reflexively shut their eyes, covered their faces with their hands and screamed in both terror and rather unpleasant surprise.
"Well, there goes THAT hiding spot's credibility!" Alphys sighed, facepalming herself irritatedly while Undyne did the same.
"UM...SIT!" Alphys walked up to Mettaton and commanded him sternly.
"SIT?" Mettaton asked curiously, squatting down on all fours and panting like a dog while Alphys and Undyne put their hands over their mouths and tried not to burst out laughing in response.
"Yes, now FETCH!" Undyne laughed as she and Undyne held up a large metal fork and spoon high above their heads and began running along the path to Burgerpants' so-called "private" house in the forest...which, ironically enough, was actually located right next to his public restaurant.
"FETCH! FETCH! FETCH! FETCH! FETCH!" Mettaton chanted repeatedly in the type of hilariously monotone voice that only a true robot like him could properly execute as he began rapidly chasing after the loudly laughing and screaming Alphys and Undyne on all fours like a wolf.
While our heroes were busy heading over to Burgerpants' place, however, Asriel's practically nonexistent "plan" was already inching its way closer and closer to actually coming together.
"Asriel, you had one job! ONE FREAKING JOB!" Asgore yelled furiously at his son over the phone, slamming his fist on his desk and grinding his teeth together in frustration.
"But I thought my job last night was literally NOT to do my job, wasn't it?!" Asriel stammered nervously, glancing over to the side of him while Doggo, the local electrical repairman whom he was supposed to be helping in the process of fixing the currently broken-down Snowdin power generator, glared coldly and sternly at him, drawing a finger across his neck and growling irritably.
"EXACTLY, and you somehow STILL managed to f#%& up something as utterly simple and ludicrously easy as NOT doing your freaking job! Seriously, what the hell's next, are you going to forget how to use the goddamned TOILET?!" Asgore ranted frustratedly at Asriel, biting her lip and trying with all of his might to resist the urge to deliver a "back in my day" monologue.
"Um...you're supposed to pee into the water so that it makes as much noise as possible, right?" Asriel asked cluelessly, shrugging and scratching his head from not knowing what else to say.
"OH MY F%#&ING GOD...well, anyway, did you manage to extract any valuable information about Mettaton and his whereabouts from Alphys' brain while you were futzing about in there and presumably demonically possessing the poor girl like an ASSHOLE?!" Asgore suddenly yelled at his son, taking several deep breaths (and pills, of course) to lower his blood pressure.
"Sadly, no..." Asriel sighed dejectedly as Doggo finally finished repairing the power generator and just immediately put all of his stuff away and drove off without even saying another word.
"Well then, what DID you find?" Asgore sighed, facepalming himself in disappointment.
"Well, Alphys' brain told me that Mettaton was secretly hiding out in the barn, but when I actually went over there in real life, all I found in there was a giant freaking toaster thing-a-ma-jigger that looked like something out of the first episode of Wallace & Gromit!" Asriel explained.
"ASRIEL, YOU ABSOLUTELY INSUFFERABLE GODDAMNED IDIOT!" Asgore screamed at Asriel, his eyes catching on fire with sheer incompetence-induced rage as he sprayed his disgusting spit all over Asriel's face like a showerhead through the phone line. "HAVEN'T YOU EVER FREAKING WATCHED TRANSFORMERS OR AT LEAST SOMETHING OF THAT F%#&ING NATURE?!"
"Um...I think so?" Asriel blushed, shrugged and stammered awkwardly.
"Well then, you should already very well KNOW by now that hyper-advanced alien robots from extraterrestrial planets are often MORE than freaking capable of doing this kind of sh*t! For f#%$'s sake, you simply take the robot and convert it into a VEHICLE! Do you know what a damned VEHICLE is?! Am I seriously going to have to draw the entire step-by-step freaking process of 'car, transformation, vehicle' on a god-damned MARKERBOARD for you again?!" Asgore ranted furiously at Asriel, panting and gasping for air by the time he was finally finished.
"NO..." Asriel sighed irritatedly, scratching his head in confusion. "However, that's already completely beside the point right now; as it turns out, Mettaton isn't actually hiding there anymore, and I honestly have no idea WHERE Alphys and Undyne have moved him!"
"Well then, just look for an area of Snowdin that contains a copious amount of scrap metal! Come on, it can't seriously be THAT freaking hard to figure out, CAN it?!" Asgore ranted frustratedly at him, grabbing a stress ball off of his desk and squeezing it so hard that it nearly popped under the pressure.
"But father, that's pretty much what literally EVERYWHERE in Snowdin and Waterfall is like!" Asriel explained.
"Fair enough...alright, look, we're officially making a deal here. If you can't successfully manage to do something ACTUALLY WORTHWHILE(!) with your career within the next TWO FREAKING DAYS(!), you are going to be OFFICIALLY fired! Do you READ me, officer?" Asgore growled irritatedly at Asriel, secretly hoping that the incompetent numbskull wouldn't end up failing him this time but still ultimately knowing that he pretty much would end up failing no matter WHAT happened as he hung up the phone without even so much as a goodbye, leaving Asriel to his own devices.
"Hmm...you know what? Since there's not really much of anything else I can do reliably and efficiently, I wonder how effective it'll be if I just simply ANNOY Alphys to death until she finally cracks and gives up out of sheer frustration!" Asriel cackled evilly, rubbing his hands together while Alphys, Undyne and Mettaton finally reached the next stop on their journey; Burgerpants' house, which surely enough was surrounded by heaping piles of scrap metal, rubber dildos, and giant incredibly pornographic Undertale character sculptures made OUT of scrap metal.
"Alright, buddy, hide over here!" Alphys pointed at the mascot statue for Burgerpants' restaurant (Burgerpants holding a hamburger and a fast-food-restaurant-style cup of what was presumably soda, of course) and commanded Mettaton, who then proceeded to hug the statue, remove the burger from its right hand and hold it proudly in his own while still maintaining the hugging pose; surely enough, customers immediately began pouring into his restaurant from all sides as a result while Alphys and Undyne cringed their way through his yard (spotting several statues of themselves, disturbingly enough) and reluctantly knocked on his front door.
"HELLO?! WHO IS IT?!" Burgerpants stumbled drunkenly through the front doorway and yelled unnecessarily loudly while the poor girls choked and coughed from the sheer amount of cigarette smoke that was currently radiating off of his clothing like light from the Sun itself.
"Umm...you CAN freaking SEE us, right?" Undyne sighed, putting her hands on her hips and glaring annoyedly at him while she and Alphys grabbed him by the arms, dragged him back into his own house, set him down on the living room sofa and slapped some sense back into him as they took their seats right next to him and eagerly awaited hearing what their new uncle had to say.
"Oh, sorry about that; it's just that I'm KIND OF high as f#%& right now, so it just kinda comes naturally, you know?" Burgerpants laughed, patting both of them on the back. "Honestly, I actually thought you two were Meenah from Homestuck and Francis from Paper Mario at first!"
"You know, that's actually not terribly far off!" Alphys suddenly realized, clutching her head and trembling in yet another intense "HOW COULD I POSSIBLY BE SO FREAKING BLIND" moment.
"So anyway, what did you two wanna talk about with me, huh?" Burgerpants asked the girls curiously as he teasingly ruffled Undyne's hair AND Alphys' quills at the exact same time.
"QUIT IT!" Alphys and Undyne both yelled at them, shooing his hands away by wildly flailing their own about in the air while Burgerpants just laughed and hugged them in response.
"Aw, I'm just kidding, you little cutie-pies; I already know EXACTLY what you came here to talk to me about! It's about the recent incident with Mettaton, isn't it?" Burgerpants chuckled, walking over into the kitchen, pouring himself and each of his guests one cup each of his signature brand of coffee and (ironically) gentlemanly setting them down on the coffee table.
"Well, actually, I was going to ask you why this fancy-ass condo-house of yours is so goddamned CREEPY, but I guess that topic works too!" Undyne shuddered, glancing around the house and noticing that nearly every single furniture/fixture-related object in it somehow managed to have a vaguely phallic, tit-related and/or ovarian shape to it at the very LEAST.
"Alright, before we start talking, though, let's all take a brief moment to drink our coffee, shall we? TOAST TO THE KING, EVERYBODY!" Burgerpants laughed heartily as the three of them clinked their sex-joke mugs together in honor of Asgore and immediately began drinking.
"Wow, this actually tastes REALLY freaking delicious!" Alphys gasped in surprise, putting her hand on her cheek with her mouth wide open in disbelief while Undyne deliberately did the same.
"My GOD, what in the hell did you PUT into this sh*t to make it taste THIS freaking GOOD?!" Undyne stammered in dumbfounded amazement, her right eye already hyperactively twitching.
"What in the hell did your parents put into your goddamned mouth to make it so freaking FILTHY?" Burgerpants jokingly, snarkily talked back to her as he walked out the front door and headed over to his next-door restaurant to make a very important announcement to the customers.
"FOR F%#&'S SAKE, YOU SHOULD ALREADY KNOW BY NOW THAT WE'RE ONLY FREAKING OPEN ON MONDAY THROUGH THURSDAY!" Burgerpants yelled at the top of his lungs, causing everyone to immediately clear out and throw tomatoes at him in the process.
"Everybody's a critic..." Burgerpants groaned and sighed, brushing the leftover ketchup-covered pickles off of his face as he walked back over to his house to check on the girls.
"Why won't somebody PLEASE end my freaking life?!" Nice Burger Guy moaned and groaned in despair at the cash register of the restaurant, banging his head against said register in frustration.
Giantess World
