TIMG: CHAPTER 8
"Hey, everyone, I'm BACK..." Burgerpants groaned and shrugged as he slammed the door open, walked inside and gently shut the door behind him. "So, what've you two been up to while I was...OH...OH, MY..." he blushed in both second-and-first-hand humiliation of the highest degree as he focused his eyes and saw Alphys and Undyne entangled in a fierce vagina-pillow fight with each other on the carpet!
"YOU'LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE, YOU SCALY SON OF A BITCH!" Undyne laughed maniacally, getting down on her hands and knees digging her razor-sharp teeth into the purple-dildo carpet and eating it while Alphys repeatedly smacked her upside the head with her vagina...pillow, prompting Undyne to then snatch the infernal household furnishing appliance right out of her hands and throw it right into the nearby six-foot-tall boner-lamp with all of her might, knocking the whole damned thing right over and scattering numerous shards of artificially cum-stained glass all over the floor as the...ahem...head of the lamp orgasmically shattered on impact.
"Sigh...I'm honestly not sure who's got more explaining to do right now, you or me." Burgerpants groaned dejectedly as he trudged over to where the moaning and screaming Alphys and Undyne were busy barbarically ravaging each other on the floor, grabbed them tightly by the necks, set them down forcefully onto the sofa and promptly retook a seat with them, clearing his throat and still blushing rosy red with embarrassment while Alphys and Undyne pinched and stretched his cheeks around literally like Silly Putty, causing him to growl in annoyance.
"GOD DAMN IT, STOP IT! JUST STOP IT ALREADY!" Burgerpants yelled furiously at Alphys and Undyne, slapping the two of them back into focus. "I know that this is mostly my fault for not looking after you in a house like...well, THIS..." Burgerpants shrugged and sighed as he glanced upward at his spread-eagle lady-leg ceiling, his eye twitching in disgust.
"But I mean seriously, dude, Jesus F%#&ing CHRIST, what in the hell is wrong with you?!" Undyne yelled disgustedly at Burgerpants, pulling his Catty sex doll off of the sofaside table and furiously shoving it into his disturbingly squishy and bendable Kricfaluski artwork of a face.
"Sweet monkey-humping Saddam Hussein on a unicycle, how in the seven sh*t-sucking hells did you know EXACTLY what I was going to freaking say?!" Burgerpants gasped in surprise.
"Let me guess; you just added a massive heap of sugar-laced, Nevada-licensed cocaine into our freaking coffee while we weren't looking, didn't you?" Alphys groaned, clutching her head dizzily and licking her bloodshot eyes absentmindedly as she bent over and threw up into a rather conspicuously nutsack-shaped paper bag that Burgerpants had pulled out from in-between the ass-cushions of his sofa and handed her right before the moment of occurrence.
"Yup!" Burgerpants sighed as he swallowed his pride, shoved his entire head into his nut-bag and fervently ate the putrid, nasty and disgusting dinosaur vomit right out of it.
"AHH, how I love the taste of fresh hangovers in the morning! It's just like they say in Brooklyn; I'm only fifteen years old and I've already wasted my ENTIRE freaking life! Or, is it the bagel?" Burgerpants rambled drunkenly, licking his lips as he puked up even more vomit into the bag and ate that as well while Alphys and Undyne simply closed their eyes and tried their hardest to pretend that nothing weird and disturbing was happening at the moment.
ONE VERY LONG AND THOROUGHLY CLEANSING SHOWER LATER...
"Alright, so...are you FINALLY ready to ACTUALLY freaking TALK to us yet?!" Alphys yelled frustratedly at Burgerpants as he walked out into the living room completely naked and steaming, with a hot pink towel handsomely wrapped around his waist as he stroked the beautifully gorgeous nipples of his fabulously toned abs, wagged his tail as teasingly as he could muster and flamboyantly flashed his somehow pure-white teeth at his disbelieving, utterly mesmerized new guests...while smoking a cigarette of only the highest caliber, no less.
"You were SAYING?" Burgerpants chuckled, putting one of his hands onto his hips, leaning against a wall with the other and crossing his legs teasingly as the towel around his waist fell straight down to the floor and revealed his rock-solid, firmly erect cock, causing Alphys and Undyne to squeal in both pain and pleasure as copious amounts of blood involuntarily sprayed out from each of their noses, causing the two of them to both adorably, moaningly put the backs of their right hands over their foreheads and collapse unconscious onto the sofa together.
"Hey, Toriel, what's up?" Burgerpants amusedly called up Toriel and greeted her over the phone while she was busy doing dishes and being asked out by completely random customers at the Silver Sleet. "Just wanted to let you know that I just literally knocked your kids out with my own innate feline sexiness; make of that statement whatever you will, heh!"
"WELL, then!" Toriel blushed intensely, freezing in place dumbfoundedly from the sheer romantic weight of what Burgerpants had just said to her; due to the almost-completely out-of-touch-with-the-human-world relationship laws of monster society, Toriel had already secretly had more than a bit of a rather surprisingly legal sympathetic crush on the poor sexually demented freak of a guy for quite some time...and just imagining the type of fabulous bodily display of himself that he was most likely referring to definitely wasn't helping, to put it lightly.
"Would you...would you like to try knocking ME out with this so-called innate feline sexiness of yours in bed sometime while I do the exact same to you, only of the caprine variety?" Toriel awkwardly stammered, blushing embarrassedly as she suddenly became extremely warm and began nervously sweating all over her own dishes while she was washing and scrubbing them.
"Any time, fluffybuns, any time!" Burgerpants laughed as he walked back out into his junk yard, still completely naked and afraid as he realized what the new statue next to his restaurant really was! "Oh, dear god, no...no, it CAN'T be...is that...is that SERIOUSLY..."
"WHAT? What did you just see that would serve as justifiable cause for such frightful alarm? Don't worry, honey, you can tell me whatever your heart desires...including why you have to ALWAYS take days off and leave me all freaking ALONE to fend for myself here, for that matter!" Toriel scolded Burgerpants irritatedly as she lifted up a heaping load of dirty dishes, plopped it into the sink and began scrubbing it while the customers waited impatiently for their service.
"Well, you could always just ask your boss to hire a backup assistant worker for you, but anyway, that's beside the point...uhh, sorry, but I've really gotta go now; I got some really urgent business to take care of, so see you later, alligator!" Burgerpants laughed nervously as he hastily hung up the phone, leaving Toriel every bit as cripplingly worried about him as ever.
"Heya...wanna MOP THE FLOOR with me, darling?" Sans asked Toriel teasingly as he took one of Toriel's currently unwashed loads of dishes and began telekinetically scrubbing it with his mind.
"SANS, I SWEAR TO THE FLYING SPAGHETTI MONSTER!" Papyrus, who was sitting at one of the nearby tables and eagerly awaiting his M&M chocolate-swirl milkshake, shook his fist and yelled angrily at Sans.
"TEE HEE! Oh my, that has got to be one of the most horrendously unfunny jokes I have ever heard in my entire miserable life, and I absolutely LOVE it! My word, you really are just such a wonderfully interesting and adorably well-written character, aren't you?" Toriel squealed with delight, scooping the chubby little skeleton up into his arms and hugging him lovingly.
"Nah, I think you're really just a rabidly drooling fangirl of mine, to be perfectly honest!" Sans shrugged his shoulders and joked self-deprecatingly, blushing bright blue as Toriel smooched him on the cheek. "Say...speaking of which, you wanna see my...BONE-er?"
"What, was it something I said about my WIENER?" Sans joked smugly, magically pulling a hot dog out of his pocket and offering it to Toriel while she glared menacingly at him in disgust.
"OW, what was THAT for?!" Sans whined as Toriel literally kicked him right out the front door.
"Hey, you know how I always like to make my dear and beloved friends run for absolutely ludicrous distances with me just to stroke my ego?" Papyrus opened up the window next to his seat and asked Sans, who then reluctantly nodded his head and wondered what his brother would say next.
"Well, guess what? Your jokes absolutely STINK even more than BOTH Alphys' feet AND Undyne's after such an act COMBINED!" Papyrus literally poked his head right through the window's protective screen (making a huge hole in it) and yelled frustratedly at Sans.
"HEY, come on, at least give the little munchkin a CHANCE! If you've managed to deal with his jokes for over ten YEARS so far, I would imagine that I can probably handle them for a few measly DAYS at the very least!" Toriel scolded Papyrus, glaring at him disapprovingly as she scooped Sans right back up into her arms, carried him all the way back over behind the counter and set him down on a stool right next to her so that they could wash the dishes together.
"Boy, DISHES definitely a very interesting relationship we've got going here!" Sans joked with sly, winking smirk while Toriel got out her magically extendable rope from the undersink cabinet and tied Papyrus (whose eyes were currently twitching with pent-up frustration) tightly into his chair to prevent him from going completely ballistic and lunging furiously at his brother.
"You know what? I really AM going to end up needing to make him wear a shock collar, aren't I?" Toriel groaned and rolled her eyes while Papyrus nodded his head in confirmation.
"Yup..." Papyrus sighed and double-facepalmed himself in second-hand shame as Sans shoved a pair of cylindrical ketchup and mustard bottles up his nose, danced naked on top of the register counter, played the xylophone with his ribcage and called himself Yankee Doodle in a widely public, socially-oriented restaurant while all of the customers gawked in utter confusion.
"Oh, don't worry, I'm used to it!" Papyrus irritatedly reassured Toriel as she leaned over and covered his eyes with her hands in a desperate attempt to stop him from picking up his brother's influence.
Meanwhile, back in the junkyard at Burgerpants' place, Alphys and Undyne and Burgerpants (who had luckily redressed himself) were busy discussing the so-called new "mascot" of his restaurant.
"What do you MEAN you don't know where he's from?! DO YOU REALIZE WHO WE MIGHT BE DEALING WITH HERE?! HELL, FOR ALL WE KNOW, HE MIGHT EVEN DESTROY US ALL!" Burgerpants screamed and panicked in terror, writhing on the ground and sucking his thumb.
"Calm DOWN, man! Jesus Christ, dude, seriously, you're going to give yourself a freaking HEART ATTACK!" Alphys yelled worriedly at Burgerpants as she and Undyne grabbed him by the waist, shook him back into his proper composure and lifted him back up onto his feet.
"Alright, alright, alright, FINE...you know what? I'll let this weird-ass Mettaton dude stay here for the next few days, but if he actively tries to damage me or my prized possessions even ONCE, then it is absolutely HASTA LA VISTA for him! YOU FREAKING HEAR ME, METAL FACE?!" Burgerpants growled angrily at Mettaton, assuming a fighting stance and shaking his fists at him.
"THREAT DETECTED!" Mettaton growled involuntarily as his right hand suddenly converted itself into a massive laser arm cannon while his eyes turned bright red, metallic bat wings magically folded themselves out from the backs of his shoulders, and a very long antenna extended itself out from the top of his head, scaring poor Burgerpants litterless!
"Um...p-please p-put the gun d-down...I c-come in, l-like, p-peace and stuff..." Burgerpants trembled and stammered and did the obligatory jazz hands in terror, wetting himself and sweating enough to literally fill up his entire cylindrical fast-food-restaurant cap and drink his own sweat out of it (which he did, of course) as copious amounts of piss trickled down his legs, his knees buckling and quivering back and forth like a pair of soggy wet noodles as his face contorted into a myriad of grotesquely weird and demented expressions of fear, hopelessness, pain and embarrassment that only the likes of Ren Höek himself could even hope to properly imitate.
"SUBJECT MATTER EVALUATED AS BEING UTTERLY PATHETIC; DISABLING COMBAT MODE IN 3, 2, 1, 0!" Mettaton rambled systematically as he retracted all of his additional combat features back into his body and reverted himself back into his regular noncombatant mode.
"Mettaton, PUT the gun DOWN before I freaking STAB you!" Undyne roared lividly at Mettaton with fire in her eyes as she summoned her energy spear into her hand and threatened to gouge the gargantuanly handsome mechanical marvel's eyes out with it, causing him to instantaneously relapse straight back into his combat mode, causing Undyne's spear to go limp, her eyes to go wide, and her jaw to go dropped to the ground in a mixture of childlike amazement and helpless primal terror as Mettaton charged up his laser beam and aimed it directly at her with his automatic lock-on-targeting systems!
"Undyne, I'm very sorry to have to say this out loud, but KAWAII DESU NEEEEEE!" Alphys squealed in horror as she heroically lunged right into Undyne and shoved her out of the way, landing right in the dead center of Mettaton's targeting crosshairs!
"KAWAII DESU NEEEEEE..." Mettaton whispered ominously as Alphys curled up into an adorably helpless little dino-ball and wobbled back and forth on the ground, squeaking like a little baby mouse in terror; feeling deeply ashamed of himself and incredibly sorry for her, he reverted himself back into noncombatant mode yet again as his three new friends joined together into tri-formation to deliver his next remarkably clichéd lesson about the power of friendship to him.
"Burgerpants, Burgerpants, Burgerpants..." Alphys and Undyne chanted merrily, hugging Burgerpants from both sides as the three of them lovingly swayed back and forth and rotated themselves around and around in line formation as if they were on a Barney & Friends episode.
"We LIKE Burgerpants..." Alphys and Undyne crooned with delight as they hopped up onto their tippy-toes and lovingly smooched Burgerpants on both cheeks at the same time, causing him to blush and giggle awkwardly in a mixture of embarrassment and general romantic discomfort.
"Um, o...kay...I think it's about time for us to go back inside now, you goddamned lovable little scamps!" Burgerpants chuckled and grinned humiliatedly as he scooped Alphys and Undyne up onto his shoulders and carried them back inside so that they could finally finish their conversation once and for all.
Giantess World
